WARNING: fucked up shit ahead

The content you want to see is mostly just weird but also contains some really disturbing stuff that may not want to see or that may not be appropriate in most contexts.

10 - October


So it’s already October, huh? I didn’t even notice how an entire month passed. Man, September was one hell of a month. It’s by far the largest month by diary length. It’s mostly because I describe everything in much greater detail now, but still. Only a month ago, it was still summer, but now it’s cold outside. And it’s only gonna get worse now, isn’t it? I hope my mental state doesn’t get worse at least.

The day itself was still okay. Perhaps I was wrong about this week being a nightmare. Or maybe I wasn’t - there are still 2 days left. In any case, the classes: The first one was economics. I somehow managed to fuck up my homework, but it ended up playing in my favor, and I got an A. The next class was English. My news for today was the release of GNOME 41. After checking the crossword, we didn’t have a dialogue but instead played some word games. And yeah, then had a dialogue. The next class was software development, and I spent it doing philosophy homework and helping my friend with the lab work. The last class was philosophy. We were still studying eastern philosophers. My friend and I were playing the game of words. After the classes, we went to KFC, and I ate a Party Box (chicken bites with fries). One of our conversation topics was how long my diary was for this month. My friend told me that I don’t even mention stuff like going to KFC, but guess what, bitch, I’m doing it right now. After coming back home, I had a remote English courses class, and it was nothing out of ordinary. I then played Felix the Cat and streamed it on YouTube. Now I’m in bed with a headache. Success?


Today was quite productive for a weekend. I still felt a bit shitty, but at least I’m sort of satisfied with myself. The day began with my mom waking me up on 11 AM to go to Leroy Merlin (a building material store). We went there and bought some plastic shit to hold stuff. We then went back home on foot, visiting some shops in the process. When we got back home, I finally updated my website, including the dream journal, the diary, the subscriptions, and the media to consume lists. It’s been, like what, a week since I last did it. Then I had another English courses class, which also went as usual. We spent most of the class writing a test. Then I reviewed, improved, and merged a merge request to libinput-config that my pen pal from Discord made. He isn’t a very techy guy, but he helped me with writing a better readme. I also merged another MR that improved the compatibility with RPM, so I guess he’s making a Fedora Copr for my library, which is pretty cool.


In contrast to yesterday, today wasn’t even a bit productive, nor was I satisfied with myself. In fact, it felt like the nightmare of this week continued. Today woke up at about the same time as yesterday. I didn’t have anywhere to go or anything to do, so I ended up wasting my time reading Reddit as usual. This was a big mistake as I read a few politically charged views, which left me paranoid for the rest of the day. Or is it even called paranoia? I have no idea. I’m so bad at describing how I feel, I have no idea how I managed to do it last year in the nuthouse. You know, soon I’ll have to go through a medical military commission, and this is the exact problem I’m scared of. I just can’t quite articulate what’s wrong with me. I’ll have to do it somehow, of course, or else they’re gonna draft my poor r****ded soul, which will result with my condition only getting worse and possibly a few people killed. But even if I manage to go through the commision, my life is still not gonna get any better. I’ll be stuck in this country with barely any education until the end of time. I just can’t get over it. I know just killing myself is a rational choice in this situation, but I just can’t. I’m such a snowflake that I can’t even get my shit together and jump off a bridge or something. So once again, the best I can aim for is eternal suffering. I hope God hears out and plugs me off or at least a truck runs me over so I don’t have to do it myself. In any case, what was I at? How today went? So just as I planned, I watched a movie today. My dad, my sister, and I went to Venom 2 (or whatever the fuck it’s called in English) in cinema. The film was nice, however it mentioned that one character killed his family. And you know, I’m kinda scared now. I sometimes had thoughts just like that to grab a knife and kill my innocent relative. I, of course, didn’t do it because I can control myself, but what if I get so angry or won’t be able to control myself and do it. I mean it’s unlikely but what if. This thought terrifies me. So yeah, the movie was at 4 PM and was 2 hours long. After I got home, I spent the rest of the day doing nothing. I thought I was starting to feel drugged, but it luckily didn’t happen.


The day was averagely crappy. Perhaps not as bad as last week, but I still felt like shit. One of my main problems, the paranoia, didn’t go anywhere and possibly even got worse. Additionally, I had the good old feeling of being bored but not willing to do anything about it. Waking up was pretty hard today, so I ended up not having a breakfast. But even if I did, it’d be pelmeni, which I don’t currently want to eat. I ended up being about, like, 5 or 10 minutes late, but when I came, the classrom was still closed and no teacher was in sight, so I guess it doesn’t count. We had 2 software development classes. The lecture was once again not written, but I doubt anyone gives a shit. She gave us another task, but it requires me to use Visual Studio because there’s no way I can pull off GUI stuff anywhere else, so I’d probably be more reluctant to do it. My friend was still doing the previous task, so I was trying to help him. Though, it didn’t help much, and he couldn’t finish it even after 2 classes. Other than that, we spent the class talking about stuff and browsing each other’s websites. After the classes, my friend and I went to KFC. I bought 2 burgers, but I sort of regret it because it was too much, considering how much I ate after coming back home. My friend bought 2 burgers and a jam pie thingy, which he had to wait a long time for because no one apparently orders it. After coming back home, I spent a few hours lying in bed and cursing myself to get up and do something. At some point, I actually did and proceeded to do the homework. What a miracle! And my productivity didn’t stop at that - I also updated my website and reorganized my todo lists. Now they’re properly split into categories so it’s easier to search. I’m currently thinking about switching to Notion, which my friends use, but I’m not sure if it’s not an overkill. I seem to be already fine with Microsoft To Do. But in any case, me being productive didn’t help with feeling like shit. Now I’m prepared for tomorrow’s classes but still dead inside. I need to try something else.


Not much different from yesterday. We had 3 classes today. The first one was philosophy. We were studying medieval Christian philosophers. This only further fueled my paranoia, which was nowhere near ending. The next class was ecology. We were just writing a lecture summary, nothing special. I let my friend copy my lab work, but he didn’t do a great job at it. The last class was software development. Nothing happened. I didn’t go to KFC and instead bought 2 mini pizzas - one in a grocery store and one in a bakery. When I came home, I fell asleep. This time, I didn’t feel bad about it because we don’t have any homework. I ended up sleeping, like, maybe 5 hours? One of the dreams was about the military comission. It reminded how my draft situation isn’t solved yet, and now I’m googling how to show them my medical certificate. I didn’t have any success yet.

My friend kindly reminded me that something indeed happened on software development. He gave a drink called Schweppes: Indian Tonic to try. It was indescribably bad. It was so bad, I now think Borjomi is not a bad drink. In fact, I won’t even write a review about it so I can forget I’ve ever tried it.


Pretty busy day. The classes started at the third class, so I had quite some time to sleep. Though, I still somehow managed to get late. The first class was network software. I spent it writing a lab work lecture summary (yes, our lab works have attached lectures; don’t ask me how it works). The last 2 classes were information security. The first one was writing a regular lecture summary and a lab work lecture summary. The first half of the class was spent on a subbotnik. If you don’t know what a subbotnik is, which you probably don’t since you don’t live in a third world country, it’s when you clean up the territory and don’t get paid for it. In other words, you play a slave janitor. Sounds like a pretty fun activity, doesn’t it? Well, it wasn’t. Our work was to collect fallen leaves off the ground. Like, what bullshit is that? I spent most of the time doing nothing instead because it was stupid and humiliating. The second half of the second one was spent pretending to do something. After the classes ended, my parents picked me up and we went to do some extremely important business, which I can’t disclose here for privacy reasons. When I got back home, it was already the time for the English class. After it ended, also known as just now, it was already late to do anything. For today, I planned to do the homework, update libinput-config, make a list of n-words I’ve used online, and write down another cringy story. Let’s see how many of them I actually manage to do.


Oops, forgot to write an entry again. So out of the things I planned to do the previous day, I managed to do the most. I did write a cringy story, I didn’t make a list of n-words but did write another story, I did do the homework, and I even took a shower even though I didn’t say about it. Unfortunately, the inevitable happened again, and I started feeling drugged. I could barely do the homework, so I decided not to risk and don’t touch libinput-config. The next day I woke up at, like, 5 AM no longer wanting to sleep. I decided to right away go back to sleep. I woke up again at the right time, but this time I was sleepy as hell. Luckily though, I managed to be quick enough and not get late. We had 4 classes, which started at the second class. The first one was economics, which was nothing out of ordinary. The next 2 classes were network software. I was pretty productive on them and managed to do 2 lab works. Also I finally updated libinput-config, but it was trivial. I’d say I’m happy with myself, but I don’t give a shit. The last class was P.E., but I just skipped it in order to test if anyone would notice. No one did. After the classes, my friend suggested me to write to his mom about the military stuff. I did and got some interesting info. It turns out I absolutely can do it, but I better wait until next March because it’d easier. When my mom was coming from work, she invited me to a walk. It was pretty nice, but before the walk, we went to KFC, and I feel bad for consuming so many calories in one day.


The much needed last business day of the week arrived. Though I’m not sure what I’m gonna do on the weekend, having some rest is nice. Hopefully, it won’t be terribly boring. The day itself was not too interesting. It was pretty much like the rest of the week but with less paranoia. Now when I think about it, does it mean my paranoia comes in episodes? I’m bad at observing myself, so I’m not sure. The day began like usual - with being late. The first class was software development. This time I was actually writing a lecture summary and not doing nothing. The next class was English. It was pretty much like usual, but I caught myself thinking that I started enjoying English classes. My news for today was Texas banning abortions. The next class was software development again, and this time we were doing a test. I didn’t understand the task, like, completely, so I had to resort to stealing from my friend. We both ended up having shitty works, but that’s better than nothing. The last class was philosophy. We spent the whole thing discussing the topic, so we barely wrote anything in our copybooks. After the classes, I managed to resist the urge and only buy one sandwich to eat. When I came home, however, I ate everything I could find. Mission failed, I guess? The rest of the day was spent sleeping.


Today was a nightmare. Just when the paranoia ended, the extreme boredom came back. The entire day was spent putting no effort into entertaining myself and feeling bad because of boredom caused by it. And you know what’s the most frustrating thing about it is? It was a fucking nice sunny day outside. And I, like a complete fucking idiot, was sitting the whole time inside instead of having a great walk. My mom tried to invite me to one, but it just didn’t happen because we didn’t have enough time. Hopefully, tomorrow will be just as nice and sunny, and we’ll be able to do it then. What was the reason of these unfortunate events today? I suspect it was me sleeping the whole day yesterday. Because of that, I ended up barely sleeping all night and waking up with a terrible mood. I hope I won’t ever repeat the same mistake. However, not the whole day was completely wasted. The English class today was one of the only genuinely good things thay happened today. Because it happened in person, I had to get outside, which made me enjoy some of the good weather. It wasn’t anywhere near enough, but still. The class itself was also pretty fun. I would say this class redeemed this whole day, but unfortunately, something even more fucked up happened when I got back home. I started feeling drugged. I mean it’s cool that it at least didn’t happen on the class itself, but come on. It’s only been, like what, 2 days since the last time? In any case, the day fucking sucked, and I now hate myself even more. I’m ruining my life with my own hands, and there’s nothing I can do about it but end this life for good.


Today was slightly less nightmare than yesterday. I somehow managed to make the same mistake as yesterday and slept for too much. I woke up at 1 PM, which means I’ve only been awake for 7 hours. It didn’t ruin the day, but it’ll probably ruin my sleep today. Hopefully not though. After an hour of waking up, my mom and I had the walk we were supposed to have yesterday. The weather was slightly worse and I was more paranoid than yesterday due to reading Reddit, but it still went alright. We went to the newly opened Lenta mall and bought a shitton of food, including a pizza, chicken nuggets, canned vegetables, a jar of pickles, and most importantly, sea salt. The whole walk took more than 2 hours. Due to carrying heavy bags, we got tired and decided not to have another walk. We were going to go to the river following the route my sister discovered, but we’ll just probably do it later. After coming back home, I updated my website, and my dad and I quickly drove somewhere to return something, so I guess that means I did have 2 walks today. Another thing planned for today was to purge Reddit from my phone and website in order to stop using it, but I guess I can do it later too.


The new week arrived. Today was averagely, but I was trying my best not to give up and actually do something. Today we had 3 classes - 2 usual software development ones and an additional network software one. The first 2 was spent updating libinput-config. I didn’t quite finish, but it’s impressive how much progress I’ve made there recently. Yeah, and I was also actually writing a lecture summary. On the last class, we couldn’t use our laptops, so I spent it actually studying. First, we wrote a small test, and I got only 3 questions out of 26 wrong. Impressive, right? The rest of the class was spent, you guessed it, writing another lecture summary, and it was nothing out of ordinary. After the classes, I went to one back to update my passport into and then went to another bank to order a credit card. When I came home, I began trying my best to actually do something and not just watch YouTube. I updated my website, purged my Reddit subscriptions, made a RetroArch bugfix pull request, made a meme I’d wanted to make for a long time, and wrote a new Bruh, Ltd page - a text file viewer. I’m planning to use it in the Cringe Zone to view the text files because the browser messes up the encoding by default. I didn’t do the homework yet though, but I guess I still have time. Also I’m going to the doctor tomorrow, so I guess no one’s even gonna check my homework.


Weird shit keeps happening in my life. Remember the meme I made yesterday? Well, it got removed today because it was apparently low effort. And I kid you not, this fact alone demoralized me for the rest of the day. Like, what the fuck is even wrong with me? It’s just a meme, so why should I obsess over it so much? I mean it’s also not like I didn’t expect it to be removed because even before I created it, I knew it’d be shit that wouldn’t be accepted. And still I’m heartbroken about this fact. Sigh. The rest of the day wasn’t much better. In order to get to the doctor, my mom told me to take a ride on any bus. But guess what, the one any bus I had was the wrong one, so it took me God knows where. So I had to walk all the way back to the previous stop on foot, so I ended up being barely on time. Have I slept a few minutes more, I’d be late. The doctor visit itself went as usual. She gave me a prescription for another medication which could possibly not make me drugged, though we don’t know until I try. Ironically, I googled, and it seems like it’s less effective than my old one, but who knows maybe it’s actually better for me. Yeah, and it’s also extremely expensive. Because of the appointment, I skipped 2 classes and was also going to skip the third one but decided to be an honest person. The classes I skipped were philosophy and ecology, so who gives a shit. The third class was network software, which is good because skipping it is dangerous. The whole class was spent listening to other people’s writings about network analysis utilities. Next time, however, I’ll be one of the people presenting. Hopefully, I won’t forget about it. The last 2 classes were software development. We were supposed to do a practical work that involved drawing some charts, but it was so fucking confusing, I didn’t understand a single thing. Obviously, I didn’t do it then, but I also don’t know how I’m gonna do it at all. Though, I didn’t quite spent the classes doing nothing - I finally did the final lab work on the second class. After the classes, I ate a shitton of pastries because I wanted to. Now I’m back home feeling like shit. I currently have 2 choices: either to give up and sleep through the rest of the day or still try my best to be productive despite of the failures. Feel free to guess which option I’m gonna choose.

So I feel drugged again. Well, damn. I guess I have no choice but the first option. Good night?

Never mind, I managed to make myself do stuff despite of druggedness. I didn’t do everything I’d planned, but it’s still progress.


Grinding continues. Despite all of the mental obstacles, I keep doing stuff. I should probably consider this success. Today we had only 2 classes. The first one was English. My news for today was the release of Fedora 35 beta. The homework for today was to learn the vocabulary aka no homework at all, so it wasn’t to difficult. The other tasks were as usual - answer a few questions and write a dialogue. The second class was network software. Compared to yesterday, I actually brought my laptop today. It didn’t help much though, and we ended up doing the stuff we could’ve easily done on college PCs like googling weird shit. Near the end of the class, my friend wrote a little tune using Bitwig Studio on my laptop, which was pretty cool. After the classes, I went to KFC and spent too much money on little food, which I regretted. After coming back home, I fell asleep for a 3 hours, meaning I managed to both sleep the whole day and do everything. Impressive, right? The first thing I did was update my Linux rice - I disabled frequency boosting on my laptop, which is supposed to save battery, and moved my environment variables from fish to environment.d, which should work better. To achieve the latter, I had to hack a bit, but it’s okay. Then I proceeded to update my only GNOME Shell extension and the newly created Bruh, Ltd text file viewer. I also crossed a few other items off my todo list like submitting a Firefox bug report, which turns out has not only been submitted but also fixed, and poorly transcribing a Caravan Palace song. Regarding the latter, I’m not sure about the copyright stuff, so I don’t know if I’ll publish it. I think I also did something else, but I already forgot. And finally, I did the network software homework. The task was to make a report and a presentation about “access control utilities.” I have no fucking clue what it means, so I wrote about a couple of Linux programs that control stuff. We’ll see if the teacher accepts it.

I’m too lazy to edit the previous paragraph, so here’s a bit of clarification. You may think that the day was great, and it probably was, but I still felt like shit. After I woke up, I had a stomach ache, and I even threw up. It didn’t go away until the classes ended. And also while I did manage to do the homework, I got so tired that I feel sick. The presentation itself, by the way, is too fucking long, so I have no idea how I’m gonna present it. In any case, I need some sleep, so good night, I guess.


Grinding paused. For now. The day began with me waking up feeling even worse than yesterday. The sleep didn’t help for shit, which was quite disappointing. The first class was network software. Despite my presentation being 25 minutes long, it went pretty well and was probably the one with the most effort put into it. Or maybe not, but it just looked this way. In any case, the teacher said that I did a good job. Which means I can conclude that I didn’t fuck up and shouldn’t have worried. The next class was economics. It was nothing special. The class after was ecology. I asked the teacher for my lab work copybook so I can write the one I skipped at home. The class itself was spent writing a lecture summary and watching some education movie about GMO. The last class was P.E. I spent the whole thing sitting on the bench talking to my friends. After the classes, I went to the grocery store and bought 60 rubles worth of food. Yesterday I bought 170 worth of food, which means that the average is 115 rubles. Not bad. I was going to buy nothing instead to lower it even further but couldn’t resist the urge. When I came home, I fell asleep for 3 hours, but it was later in the day than yesterday, so I woke up at 7 PM. Now I guess I only have time to do the homework. But in any case, I’m about to run out of things to do, so it’s not that bad.


Today was relatively uneventful. Just like yesterday, the sleep didn’t help for shit, so I ended up feeling terrible. I guess that means I might be actually sick. Despite being extremely reluctant to get out of bed, I managed to be barely on time. The first class was economics. The whole class was spent by the teacher asking us questions in order to test our knowledge. I was the last one to get asked, and waiting for it wasn’t the most pleasant experience. The next class was English. I expected it to be just as fun as previous ones, but it wasn’t. The teacher had to leave us quite a few times, which led to her being absent for most of the class. Most of us didn’t have time to tell the news, and we ended up not checking the homework at all. And if doing nothing the whole class doesn’t sound bad enough, she gave us a comically giant homework for the next class. So overall, not fun at all. The next class was software development. We wrote a small test and spent the rest of the class, you guessed it, doing nothing. The last class was philosophy. We listened to a few reports about some philosophers and watched a few minutes of a random YouTube video. She didn’t tell us what and when to write, so we ended up writing nothing. After the classes, I went to a shawarma store my friend recommended to me. The shawarma was pretty good. Not as good as in Grilnitsa, but it’s perfectly justifiable since it’s only half the price. At home, I did a few updates to libinput-config and my dotfiles. My pal from Discord also discovered a bug in libinput-config that litters the console when running Snap apps, and now I have no idea how to fix it. I was going to try sleeping a few hours today too, but it’s too late already. Hopefully, I’ll get less sick by the start of next week.


The first day of the weekend. I feel like I’m wasting it again, but at least I wasn’t bored this time. I woke up at about 12 PM, and in about 1 or 2 hours, my mom and I were ready to go for a walk. It was another nice sunny day, and I’m so proud that I won’t have to be disappointed and blame myself this time. First, we went to Leroy Merlin (construction material shop) and looked for some bathroom tiles for my apartment. Then we went to a shopping mall. We ate some sushi rolls, which were kinda shitty considering how much money we spent on them, and I also ate a Burger King chicken burger. We also went through a few clothing shops and bought me a new coat. We weren’t sure if I needed a separate coat for winter or if one coat for both fall and winter would suffice, so we chose the second option. We had to get back home by bus because we ate too much. We got back home at about 4 PM, which means it took only, like, 3 hours, but it felt much longer. The rest of the day was spent fixing libinput-config bugs. I also had an English class as usual, but it was remote this time because the teacher is sick.


I spent the whole day fixing a tiny libinput-config bug someone reported. I didn’t have much time to do anything else because I rewrote half of the library in the process. I only went outside once in order to go to KFC with my sister. I feel extremely bad. I’m so tired that I feel like I’m about to pass out. Yet I don’t drugged at all. My mom says that’s because I’m taking 2 drugs at the same time. Or wait, have I mentioned this fact already? In any case, please help me.


Let’s begin today’s entry with the main major fuckup I’ve recently had. The coat I bought is too large. Yes, no kidding, I made the exact same mistake twice in a row. Now you may think that it’s just a bit oversized and I actually look cool in it, but no, it just sucks. It’s not only uncomfortable but also makes me look like a fucking idiot. Trust me, I tried my best to convince myself that it’s actually good, and my mom did too, but to no avail. Now I have no choice but to buy another coat since I lost the tag from this one, which makes it impossible to return. And you know what the worst part about all of this is? It costs 4000 goddamn rubles, and now I’ll have to pay the same or even greater amount of money. And when it comes time to buy a winter coat, I guarantee I’ll make the same mistake and blame myself just like I do now. Brilliant. Just brilliant. I’m so proud of myself.

So the day itself, huh? Not much different, actually. I woke up feeling just as week as yesterday. I still don’t know what it is, but it doesn’t look like it’s gonna end soon. Before the first class, my friend and I were talking about how well we slept, and we found out that we both had exactly the same troubles sleeping. Could that mean she infected me? That would explain everything, but I hope not. The first 2 classes were software development. I did a few updates for libinput-config and finally updated my website. Or wait, is it “did a few updates” or “made a few updates?” I have no idea, and googling yields conflicting information. Now I’m even more confused about my English skills. In any case, other than that, the class was spent doing nothing. I have no idea how I’m gonna pass the exams or even get allowed to them, considering I can’t do a single lab work and don’t understand shit. And you know what I also don’t know? What to do with P.E. I haven’t attended a single class in a uniform and am not sure if I will. This is a very real opportunity to get kicked out, and I’m not doing anything about it.

But regardless, the next class was network software. It was spent listening to other people’s reports. Nothing interesting. The last class was information security. We wrote a small test in the beginning, which wasn’t too hard, and spent the rest of the class doing lab works. We were supposed to do the second one, but I hadn’t done the first one yet, so I was doing it instead. After the classes, while I was walking home, I couldn’t help but constantly notice how comically large my coat is, but I’be already talked about it enough. After coming home, I did the ecology homework and was going to do the philosophy homework too but couldn’t even find what the task is lmao. Then my mom got home, and we went together for a walk. We first went to the nuthouse to get an appointment scheduled. I wanted it to be on Friday, but oops, the earliest one is next Tuesday. Not a big deal. Then we went to a shopping mall that had a specific ATM we needed. It also had a grocery store called Bahetle or something, so we decided to visit it. As far as I understand, it’s just a store for rich people, so it wasn’t too interesting. We went back home on foot, saving 50 rubles on transport fees, so I bought myself a sausage roll. And yeah, I started feeling drugged again. You probably can’t tell, but I’m barely able to write right now. So it means that either the new drug doesn’t work or the old drug continues messing up with me. The druggedness have ruined my plans a bit because I was going to watch a movie, but I guess I can do it tomorrow.


Predictably, today was a disappointment. I had no breakfast today (haha, like I had it yesterday), so I spent bthe first 2 classes unusually hungry. The first class was philosophy. The teacher didn’t mention me, so I guess she either forgot abot me or didn’t give me the task in the first place. I also forgot to do the homework, but it was pretty short (just write down 3 aphorisms), so I did it in no time. The class itself was extremely boring. The next class was ecology. It was a lecture class, so cool, I guess? It, however, was even more boring, and I was counting minutes until it ended. Before the next class, I went to the bakery and bought a really nice sandwich. My friend offered me to go to KFC after the classes instead, but I was too hungry to agree. The next class was network software. It was another class of listening to other people’s reports. We also were told that we’ll have to develop a website in order to pass the exam, which is really bad because I already have a thesis and a diploma project to do. The last class was software development. We were told that we can’t just do anything for the thesis and we have to build a graphical C# program that uses a database. That’s completely fucking ridiculous, but I have no choice. Sigh. The classes left me really tired. My friend says it’s just because of too much college. But if that’s true, it means I’m about to fucking burn out. I really hope that won’t happen because I don’t want to spend another year here. After coming back home, I watched a movie my friend recommended me. It was meh, and I got even more tired after watching it. I wanted to start programming my thesis project but just couldn’t. Instead, I finally submitted some old works to our online teaching platform. Yeah, and I also bought some pickles.


Today was a nightmare. The classes started at the second class today, so I was hoping to get some good sleep. And you know what, I did. I woke up refreshed. However, as soon as I got to the fucking college, I got sooo tired. Like, even more tired than I was on the weekend. Making myself do anything was extremely diffucult, and even sitting still was a big pain in the ass. I think I was also shaking, but I’m not sure. Another thing I’m not sure about is whether my increased heartbeat is caused by the same thing, but it probably is. Therefore, we decided to stop taking the old drug without asking the doctor. Hopefully, it’ll help. If it doesn’t, I guess I’m fucked. In any case, the classes. The first one was software development. I tried once again to start programming the thesis work but couldn’t get far because of tiredness. I gave up halfway. Before the next class, my beloved databases teacher came in and told us we’ll have a practice in December but we’re supposed to have it done before hand because she doesn’t want to look for us. What. The. Fuck. Are you telling me I’m supposed to do the network software project, the thesis, the practice and all of the damn lab works all at the same time? That’s just fucking impossible. I don’t have so much time, and I’m also tired as hell. What am I even supposed to do in this case? There’s no way I can manage it. I’ll burn out and/or kill myself. The next class was network software. We were listening to even more reports. At the end I was given another report to do, which is a terrible thing because it absolutely didn’t align with my plans. The last 2 classes were infosec. We were supposed to do works 3 and 4, but I was doing 2 instead. I also started doing 3 but, disappointingly, couldn’t finish. After the classes, I went to KFC with my friend. I had breakfast this time, so I could survive 4 classes without food. After I got home, you guessed it, I spent the whole fucking time making that report. I also had an English time, which wasted an hour and a half of my time. So now it’s late evening, I’m even more tired, and have a terrible report I’ll be barely able to present. I hate my life.

I think I cracked the mystery. It’s not like I only just noticed it, but I have increased heartbeat. No wonder I feel tired all the time - all of my energy is spent by the heart pumping the blood. Now I need to figure out whether it’s because of 2 drugs at the same time or just because of the new one. In any case, my mom gave me a drug that lowers the heartbeat. I guess I’ll now have to take it with the main drug. If it means the heartbeat is the only (fixable) problem and I’ll no longer feel drugged, that’s not too bad.


Let’s just get straight into it. The first class was economics. A half of it was spent listening to the teacher’s political ramblings, and another half was spent watching some movie about UAE. The next 2 classes were network software. The first one was spent listening to even more reports, including mine. The second one was spent learning basic HTML. The last class was supposed to be P.E., but I shamelessly skipped it. I went to my mom instead and got an ECG taken illegally. After coming back home, I started feeling drugged, which fucking ruined everything. The rest of the day was spent doing English homework.


Quizzaciously. Now if anyone is collecting statistics on which word appears first in each of my diary entires, they’ll see the word “quizzaciously.” Today we had 4 classes, but this time, they started at the first class. The first one was software development. I managed to make the server of my thesis project actually accept and print data. The next class was English. We spent the entire thing listening to news. The next class was software development again. I managed to make the server work with events instead of raw data. The last class was philosophy. It was spent writing down a lecture summary, but instead of an actual lecture, we were just copying from the textbook. After the classes, my friends and I went to that one shawarma shop near the college. This time, it was a bit worse. When I came home, I went insane and started grinding as hard as possible. I managed to implement the whole server in just a few hours. Now the only thing left is the client, which means I did half of the thesis in one day. I guess I’ll continue tomorrow.


You already know what I’m about to say, don’t you? Yes, I managed to repeat the same thing twice. I almost finished the client in also one day. The only thing I have left is crypto, but it’s trivial. You know, I start to think I choose a topic that’s just too easy for me. In any case, I’ll continue polishing it tomorrow. The whole day was spent on this shit, so now I need some good sleep.

By the way, we had classes today, isn’t that wonderful? Yeah, 2 remote classes. No one gave a shit about them, but still.


Today wasn’t nearly as productive as last 2 days. I did manage to implement encryption, but it really really sucks. I had a choice to either make it take too much space but be fast or don’t take too much space but be slow. I chose the second option for the better or worse. I didn’t have time to do much else. Also I feel drugged again. This time, however, it’s extreme. I haven’t felt so drugged in a while.


I’m back to being productive. Well, kinda. The day still sucked. It all began with me getting barely any sleep. I couldn’t sleep in my room because reasons, so I had to resort to sleeping in my sister’s room. For some reason, I just couldn’t quite fall asleep. I did manage to sleep for a few hours, but I woke up quite a few times. But hey, at least I wasn’t late to college. The college itself, eh? 2 classes of software development. We were still supposed to draw some fucking charts, but I of course still didn’t do it. I should start sometime. Instead, I was polishing my thesis project client. Now that I think about it, have I even mentioned that I’m writing a file sharing service? In any case, after the classes, I went to KFC. I was walking there right behind a group of my groupmates and was scared of them going to KFC too, but they luckily didn’t. After coming home, the problem that didn’t let me sleep was liquidated, and also some of the household appliances for my new apartment arrived. I, of course, also continued doing the thesis stuff. I polished the server and added a few nice things to the client such as a logo, a custom font, terms of service, and a footer. And the most important part, I wrote a way to administer the whole thing via a very primitive interface. Now I hope I’m finally done with this shit. Right now I feel tired as fuck and unwilling to continue studying. Hopefully, tomorrow I’m going to the doctor, so I’ll be able to skip some useless shit. I’m out.


The same thing as yesterday - I’m just fucking tired. As promised, I had a doctor visit today, which allowed me to skip first 1.5 classes. She prescribed me a corrector and told me to visit a cardiologist just in case. We decided not to try a new medication because not enough time passed with this one, so it’s uncertain if it’s actually bad. The corrector itself, by the way, costs only 20 rubles compared to the main drug that costs over 4000. I was supposed to buy it right after the appointment, but I, of course, didn’t, and my mom and I had to go to the drugstore together in the evening. The 2 classes I managed to attend were ecology and software development. On the first one, I ignored the class and started surveying my friend with a premade quiz. The second one was as usual. Half of it was spent writing a lecture, and another half of it was spent trying to do an HTML task in barely any time left. After coming back home, I was reluctant to do anything but managed to force myself do the English homework, part of the information security debt, and the software development task I couldn’t finish in class. But then I remember about another Snap bug in libinput-config config, and you can guess what I spent the rest of the day on.


Even worse than yesterday. Less productive, more tiring, and with additional feeling like I’m dying. The reason was probably because I took the full dose of the new medication and not the half. The first class was English. The teacher was once again out for most of the class, so we only managed to check the news. The next one was software development. I finally drew a fucking chart, but it’s not because I wanted to but because I was assigned this task. But hey, better something than nothing. The last 2 classes were network software and information security. We had a small test on the second one, but I spent the rest doing network software lab works. After the classes, I wrote down the lecture summaries for last 3 information security lab works but accidentally did it in the wrong copybook. I had to remove the sheets from the copybook and copy everything. That sucks. In terms of my programming projects, I added proper multithreading to the thesis server, and that’s about it. And yeah, by “proper” I mean one that barely works. I also had another English class today. As you can see, not an interesting day by far but quite unpleasant. Hopefully, the weekend will finally let me relax.


Success. I didn’t make the same mistake as yesterday. I took only half a dose of the drug, so the corrector worked as intended. My pulse went down to bearable 60 BPM, and instead of extreme tension and feeling like I’m dying, I actually felt relaxed. However, the day was even less productive than yesterday, so I’m now once again unhappy about myself. So yeah, the classes. The first one was economics, which was in the library. We were watching a film, and that’s about it. The next one was network software. We were supposed to do the works 13-14, but I’d already done them. The teacher released works 15-16, but I didn’t do them for some reason. I also had a debt in form of infosec works 4-5, but I didn’t fucking do them either. Instead, I was googling C# stuff for my thesis project. In the end, I barely found anything and wasted the whole class. Brilliant! The next class was ecology. Nothing interesting. We had a small test, which I probably failed. The last class was supposed to be P.E., but we went to a medical exam instead, which allowed us to skip it. After getting back home, I felt so fucking lazy. I could barely force myself to do the infosec works and only managed to do a few minor updates for my thesis project because I didn’t have time for major ones. Also I didn’t do the networks work and didn’t even start doing English. That’s fucked up. My ass will get kicked several times. The only way out of this misery is the 9 day holiday, which is only a day away. All I have to do is wait and pray.


Not too interesting. The first class was economics. It was a regular lecture class. The next one was English. I didn’t do the homework, but we spent the whole class talking about the news, so it wasn’t a problem. The next class was software development. I did a couple of charts by myself. Finally. The last class was philosophy. We were forced to read from the textbook and play a stupid game. In Russia, it’s called “Field of Wonders,” but I have no idea about Western analogues. After the classes, my friends and I bought a shawarma again. This single food intake was enough for me for the whole day. At home, I did another update to my thesis. I switched from CryptoJS to OpenPGP.js. Now it’s more memory hungry but I guess faster. Then my mom and I went for a nice walk from the mall. While we were walking, a person on Discord told me about his touchpad problems, so I decided to make another hack for libinput-config. I did just that when I got home. Aaaand I also started feeling drugged. However, only slightly, which, I guess, is a good thing.


Today was the opposite of what the days has recently been. I was completely unproductive but felt alright. Like, why? That’s not how it’s supposed work. My sister, meanwhile, got really sick and couldn’t get out of bed. It was so bad she threw up several dozen times. I think I might’ve infected her. In any case, the classes… Just kidding, they were remote, no one gives a shit. I woke up at about 10 AM and had a remote English class at 11:30. After it, my mom and I went for a nice walk in the rainy weather, which took a couple of hours. After coming back home, I spent most of the time doing nothing and a couple of hours adding a key remapping feature to libinput-config. I sorta feel bad for not doing homework, but I guess there’s still time in the next 8 days. Or I hope so.


This time I was averagely productive and felt averagely shitty. Perfectly balanced as all things should be. After waking up, I went to buy a shawarma in order to… celebrate Halloween? I’m not sure. But regardless, my mom and I were going to buy one yesterday but decided to do it today instead. The shawarma I bought was too big and collapsed as soon as we took it out. It was still pretty tasty though. Unfortunately, this wasn’t my only food intake today. My sister forced me to go to KFC with her, so I had to buy an additional cheeseburger. For herself, she bought 9 chicken strips (what the fuck) and a bucket of French fries. For obvious reasons, she couldn’t eat it alone, so I had to lend her a hand. I ate 2 of her strips and, like, a third of fries. Our stomaches didn’t feel well afterwards. Regarding the productive part, I did 2 sort of important things with my thesis project: added file creation date logging, which I don’t know why I haven’t added in the first place, and wrote a specs for the JSON protocol the whole thing uses. Hopefully, it’ll help me waste a couple of pages in the report and make the whole thing look more professional. In addition to the thesis stuff, I finally managed to force myself to do a couple of software development charts. I don’t have Visio on my computer, so I had to use online services, and the one I chose first was breaking all the time, so it was a bit of a nightmare. But probably, she’ll still be able to read my stuff. And as an icing on the cake, I played my monthly dose of video game. Or well, “played” is a bit of an exaggeration because I gave up lmao. All I hope for now is that the rest of the 9 day weekend will be a bit better.