06 - June


The first day of the summer, huh? My groupmates shared a schedule for this month with me today, and as far as I understand, we’ll have exams and thesis presentation really really soon, and then there’s gonna be another practice. As I mentioned previously, I ran out of college non-related things to do (or so I thought because I still have a couple of extremely minor things to do), and I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to start doing anything today. My friend is trying to help me as much as possible, which I’m thankful for, but I still can’t just lift my ass. Our curator (honestly, I have no idea how it’s called in English, so let’s pretend it’s an appropriately applicable term) called me today and was like “hey are you doing anything?” It was extremely uncomfortable as usual, and we also scheduled a WhatsApp call with her, my mom, and I, which is gonna happen so, but it’s probably gonna be as shitty as usual, so I likely won’t even bother to write about. The most realistic thing I can do right now is probably databases, so I guess I know what to begin with.

So regarding my personal stuff, I did do a little bit minor. I cleaned up the GitLab pipelines for my website, which cleaned over 500 MB of space. I also cleaned up enabled features for my repos and removed a project which didn’t deserve a repo.

I’ve been recently questioning my religiousness. I say on my about section that I’m an atheist, but am I really? I mean I do sort of believe that the universe was created but don’t believe in one specific god. Does this count? Also I’ve had solipsistic thoughts too. The main problem is just I can’t grasp the concept of consciousness. Why does this body have to be a vessel for my thoughts? My perception of reality heavily depends on how this body functions biologically, so why can’t it just function on itself without involving me? I just can’t understand why I have to be a protagonist of some story. For this reason, I have quite some doubts about whether other people actually exist and whether they’re like me. In any case, thinking about it makes no sense because solipsism is unfalsifiable and whether anything exists makes no practical difference, so I don’t know why I even waste my time on it.


Some progress has been made - I’ve successfully passed life safety. All I had to do was one little work and a couple of test, on which the teacher barely even looked. One task less, I guess. Other than that, I spent the day trying to find college non-related stuff to do, doing nothing, and learning the Wayland protocol for educational purposes. Currently I have an idea to write a toy graphics toolkit/layout engine and maybe make a video game based on it. Considering I’m using C, that would be a quite challeging task to accomplish. By the way, I forgot to mention, but my parents and I were kinda thinking about buying me an apartment, which would solve the moving out problem, and it seems like the things are going in the right direction - my dad says his loan was approved, and they already reserved the apartment. Now we only have to wait until it’s built and renovated somehow.


The progress has stopped. I couldn’t do anything today. Additionally, I felt like shit. I suspect this can be because of the weather. The exams start really soon (and I even thought we had one today), and I think this time I could be not as lucky and get my ass slapped just as I deserve. For my personal projects, I barely did anything - I finally made a simple web page our programming teacher told me to do (as far as I remember at least) and made a few adjustments for jamtext. I think the latter can be released soon.


gsdfjkgbkjasdfgakfastgeuywegkjduywteiurtwejrhgbjkdgasduyftwauefgykjsdgkuygKJgfKJHGfukytgwergweuygkjDKUytgKgjgduygtUKygrfjhmnVKUefygfKJFgvLfhgvLFhgoFYjkhgfJKGFFHGASAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Okay, so today I had the second clinic visit of this week. Not much happened except they lowered my antidepressant for some reason and the fact that the therapist is going on a vacation, so they’ll probably replace her with another person. I went back home on foot once again by a route I took the first time I did such a thing, and it felt much easier than that time. Tomorrow we have a databases exam, and guess what, my preparation is not going well. There are, like, 50 questions to prepare for, and less than a half of them are related to SQL (programming). So far I had one round of googling the answers, and I wouldn’t say it helped much. I feel kinda hopeless, but it’s still important that I mustn’t let my laziness win, so I guess I’ll keep trying to start another round.


Well, the exam didn’t go quite as well as I expected. I spent my way to college anxiously preparing to the worst question torture possible, but the exactly opposite happened. There were only 2 questions, and there were quite easy, but I still managed to fuck up. As I have or haven’t mentioned, I haven’t been doing the large task we were assigned some time ago, and she decided that what I did wasn’t enough to even deserve a C, I should do the task and present it to her. I’ve got time only until Monday, and these two days are not quite enough for me. I have other exams to prepare for, and we also have a thesis presentation soon, to which I’m currently absolutely unprepared, but I guess I have no choice. Currently I sort of did the task itself, and now I need to test if it actually works in production and write a report, the latter of which I’m planning to do by stealing from my friend. As you might know, I work poorly even under minimal pressure, so you probably know how I feel right now.


Thanks to my dearest friend, I did manage to fix the report. But there’s still one little problem - it fucking sucks. This report is by far the worst one I’ve ever made, and I can only hope that the teacher accepts it. But still, I spent the whole day on it. Tomorrow we have a programming exam, and according to our teacher, it’s gonna be pretty easy, so I’m not worrying about it.

As a reward for making the report, my mom promised me some sushi, which I did get. I also bought a can of condensed milk later, which I ate in a single take. That’s pretty fucked up. While going to the mall, my mom and I discussed what we’re going to do with my new apartment. For obvious reasons, I won’t be able to renovate it myself, so we settled on hiring someone even though it’s expensive. She also had some stupid ideas like inviting my friends to do it, but let’s not talk about them. We also discussed what I’m gonna do with my life and didn’t get anywhere once again. None of us could come up with a reasonable occupation for me that would give me money and that I’d actually want to do. I need to mention that to my new therapist. Also my mom told me that I should mention how I theatened to beat up my grandma after she accused me of doing nothing because apparently that’s dangerous. Whatever.


The bitch refused to take my work. Yes, I am not kidding. She literally told me that she wants to torture me a bit, so I have to wait until September. This was just heartbreaking, and I got so mad I wanted to slap her as hard as possible so she never walks again. Sigh. In any case, we have a thesis presentation in 2 days, so I spent the rest of the day trying my best not to fuck up and deliver everything on time. So far I’ve been doing great.


I spent the whole day doing the fucking thesis. Also my doctor wants me to stop taking antidepressants soon. That’s about it.


I’ve finally did what I’d been meticulously preparing for over 2 days - presented my thesis. I didn’t expect anything to go wrong, and luckily, nothing did. The presentation itself went flawlessly, and no one even looked at my report, so there were no complaints yet. By the way, I was the only one to wrap the whole shit in punched pockets and a folder. The teacher allowed us to leave after presenting, but I waited for a while to ask some stupid questions to the presenters and wait for my friends. I spend the rest of the day getting some long-awaited rest. However, it’s not the right time to fully relax as we have another exam in just 2 days. I don’t know shit about the subject it’s about, but you know, I’m optimistic. I’m just gonna do it somehow. Am I more stupid than everyone else? Surely not.


Today our curator politely invited me to the database teacher to solve my shit. Fortunately, everything went even more fine than I expected. She made me solve a couple of easy practical SQL tasks, out of which I couldn’t do only one, and I got a B in the end. It took me some time to find my record-book, but otherwise that was it. While I was searching for it, I also found the schedule for tomorrow’s exam, which no one else could find. Regarding the exam itself though, I’m not as sure as yesterday now. While we would be given an additional test that will potentially lower our risks of fucking up, I still don’t know shit about the subjects. I need to at least read the answers to the exam questions once, but I can’t force myself to.


Today was the last exam of this year. Thank God. The exam itself went pretty rough though. Right of the bat, I fucked up and forgot my very important copybook, so I had to spend 2 hours going back home just to take it. Then I had to wait a ridiculous amount of time until the teacher comes back. When she did come, she asked me like “do you want an A, a B, or a C?” I, of course, answered that I’d be glad if I got a 3, so she gave me a 10-question test. I tried my best answering it randomly, and then I had to spend another 6 years waiting until she checks everything. She announced that I indeed got a C, and I was pretty much okay with it. Just when I started going out of the college, I suddenly noticed that I forgot my phone, so I had to run 4 floors back up to take it. After that, I was finally free. As you can expect, I celebrated this occasion by eating a shitton of food and updating my website. Specifically, I finally added a description to every page by uising Hugo hacks, so now Google and Discord will display proper thumbnails.


My mom’s friends recently arrived in our city, so I was kindly invited to go hang out with them. I fell asleep pretty late, so I had to decline and spend half of the day sleeping. When I did wake up, I did quite a few minor updates to my website. I didn’t do all of the ones I planned, but whatever. While I was doing all of that, the guys were at a swimming pool, and now thinking about it I’m kinda jealous. At about 3 or 4 PM they went to our house and invited me once again, and I agreed this time. I was also asked to take my laptop charger because they forgot theirs, but it later turned out that they (expectedly) had an incompatible with mine laptop model. After a short stay in our apartment, the trip finally began. First, they drove us to their apartment, which they rented for a couple of days. The apartment is located in the center of the city, which is a pretty good place for a walk, so it’s perfectly understandable why we went there. After that, we went to a nearby cafe and I and ate a shitton of food. I alone ate a full-scale Italian pizza, a shawarma, and several sushi rolls. Not only I consumed several thousand calories, my stomach got heavily bloated for the rest of the day, which made my life much harder. While we were waiting for our food, I manged to show my websites to them, and it also turned out that one of them also had a website like 15 years ago. Also I somehow forgot to put some money on my credit card, so Neocities failed to withdraw the monthly Supporter fee. I didn’t know what to do, so I canceled my subscription and bought it again. I hope I won’t be charged twice for that. After the meal, we finally went for a walk. We went to the direction of the local river port, climbed up the mounting with a nice view of the city, and climbed back down to the river. There we saw a live perfomance of some local pop band. The music itself wasn’t too cringy, but the dancing of middle-aged women, namely my mom and one of the guests, was. The music itself reminded me of my dream to learn to play a music instrument. My mom told me that it’d totally feasible, and finding the instrument itself and a teacher is not that hard. After that, we went to some square located a thousand miles away, where there alledgedly were going to be fireworks. We decided not to wait for them because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to find any public transportation to get home. Well, that’s about it for the trip. Did I enjoy it? Yeah. Though I wish I at least didn’t eat thay shawarma because my stomach would thank me.


The celebration continues. But what are we even celebrating? In any case, I woke up late today too, but this time the others weren’t having fun without me. After waking up, I made several updates to my website as usual, and we were ready to head out at about 4 PM. First, we went to the pool, where we also got a 50% discount because we arrived after 5 PM. We were swimming for about 2 or 3 hours and then went to KFC. There we once again ate a shitton of food. There’s not much else I can say about it for today because it was indeed not as fun as yesterday.


The celebration ended, and so did the fun. Basically, I did exactly the same things as yesterday minus anything that involved others and was actually enjoyable. It certainly feels like last summer when I had absolutely nothing to do and suffered because of it but maybe to a lesser degree. In addition to last summer, however, I’m even fatter and lazier now, and I can’t get it off my mind.


Today was the first day of the “educational practice” as they call it here in Russia. Basically, it’s like internship, which we’re also gonna have afterwards, but the “employer” is the college. The topic of this practice is databases, and we now are supposed to attend 2 classes everyday. Thankfully, I didn’t have to attend anything because of my clinic visit. Well, technically I could’ve attended if I decided to go home by bus and not on foot, but fuck ‘em. And even if I insisted on attending, it seems like the teacher wasn’t doing shit as usual and let everyone leave, so there wouldn’t be much sense in doing that. The clinic visit wasn’t too interesting - the only doctor I visited was the psychologist, which told me to try to record what emotions I’m having, and the only interesting thing was that they finally stopped giving me antidepressants. As I already mentioned, I went back home on foot using it as my usual justification of eating too much. On my way home, I was researching the Wayland to see if it’s possible for me to make a toy display server using an ad-hoc protocol. So far I concluded that it’d be impossible for me to make something as complex as Wayland without shooting my foot so many times that I give up, but I still keep researching stuff for some reason. I know that I realistically won’t be able to pull something like this off, yet my brain doesn’t want to give up. Well, I guess I’ll just have to try.


The day fucking sucked. We we only supposed to have one very late class today, but my friends decided not to attend it, so I decided to stay at home too. I was also told that the teacher doesn’t give a shit about whether we actually attend, so I guess I have a little bit of justification for my actions. But even though I didn’t go anywhere, it didn’t help much in terms of my mood. The day was extremely boring, and considering how last summer went, I can only expect it to get worse. In addition to that, I had a headache the whole day, which I got yesterday and which didn’t let me fall asleep for quite some time. I got it by hanging upside down for too long using the new device my dad recently bought. Basically you strap your legs on it, and then it lets get you to flip yourself upside down. Hard to explain, but I think you get the idea. Supposedly it helps with blood pressure and back problems, but I misused it by hanging for too long and thus got a headache. Perfect. And as a cherry on top of this cake, we haven’t had hot water for over a day, and I just happened to not have taken a shower for like 5 days. The hot water was supposed to come back yesterday evening, but it fucking didn’t, so I guess the only choice I have now is to shower with ice cold water. God, please fucking kill me.


Basically the same as yesterday, except maybe it wasn’t as boring for some reason. Maybe it’s because I was better at finding YouTube videos or maybe it was because I actually made some progress on my websites. Specifically, I recreated the page I recently saw in my dream. However, one thing was even worse than yesteday - they turned off the cold water too. Yes, I’m not kidding, we had absolutely no water for most of the day. I had to go to the grocery store and buy 10 liters of water just to drink something. Thankfully, it was pretty cheap - less than a dollar.


Some important shit was supposed to happen today that’s related to the practice, but I didn’t attend anything since I have an excuse in form of the clinic visit. I’m not sure if there’ll be consequences, but it’s not like I give much shit about my life, so whatever. The clinic visit went a little bit differently today but without anything extraordinary. On the art therapy we were supposed to draw something to celebrate the Medical Worker Day (or whatever it’s properly called). I couldn’t think of anything interesting so I drew a giant red letter С, which means “happy”, and “днём медицинского работника” with a pencil, which means “Medical Worker Day.” As a finishing touch, I drew random RGB lines on top of the whole thing so it’s not as boring. I fucked up with the spacing near the end, so I had to improvise a little bit. After finishing my drawing, I was given puzzles, which I failed to put together, which makes sense considering I haven’t touched puzzles in a long time. After the art therapy, we had a relaxation session, but since the therapist is currently absent, it was done by someone else (a psychologst I’ve never met before, I think). After that, I had electrotherapy, which also went a little bit differently. They replaced shocking my head with an electric hat with shocking my head with an electric hair comb, which I guess does the same thing but is more painful. They also replaced shocking my head and neck with electrodes with some VR-like eyeglasses shit that shows certain colors to each of my eyes. I have no idea how that’s supposed to do anything, but I guess why not. Following that, I went to the “social worker,” and was supposed to go to psychologist but couldn’t bother to wait for her since she’d be free only in half an hour. I didn’t go to the therapist since she wasn’t replaced by another one. Last, I went to my main doctor who increased the dose of my main drug. I hope it doesn’t make me feel drugged more often. After leaving the clinic, I couldn’t resist the urge and bought a shitton of food. To compensate for that, I decided to go back home on foot as usual but failed and had to take a bus 2 or 3 stops from home because I was unbearably tired and overheated.


I spent most of the day sleeping, so not much happened. But since I woke up, I’ve felt extremely drugged. Most likely that’s due to the increased dose of the medication, but you know, maybe not. The best I could do in this regard is trust my doctor. Out of the things that did happen today, the most significant is me continuing toying with GNOME. Right after waking up, I recieved several emails, so I just had no choice. Unfortunately, my efforts didn’t go anywhere because while I did the thing I was told to do in the code review, I found a flaw in my patch, which I can’t do anything about until someone points me out where I fucked up. Well, it could be worse.


I kept feeling drugged, so I decided to sleep a bit more today. Or more precisely, the whole fucking day. Yes, I’m serious. I’m not sure what I’m gonna do at night and how alive I’m gonna feel tomorrow. I suspect I might be sick. My blood pressure seems to be alright, so it’s something else.


I purchased a musical instrument. Yes, it was probably not the smartest decision budget-wise, but I just really want to learn to play one. Now you might be wondering what exact instrument I bought. To make it more interesting for you, I’ll reveal it when it (and other electric shit I need in order to play it) arrives (in about a week).

By the way, I was prescribed another drug, which is supposed to make me feel less drugged in the opposite direction. So far it didn’t work.


While my musical instrument is still 6 days away, I still need to prepare for its arrival. Specifically, today I was buying additional hardware needed for the thing to produce any sound. You see, the instrument I bought is electric and needs amplification to work. After searching through all of the shit available in this city, I decided that the most optimal option would be to buy a small amp specifically designed for headphones. In the store I chose in the end, there were 2 of them - one for 2000 rubles and one for 4700 rubles + there was a non-headphone one, but it only costs 4000 rubles, so I had to consider it as an option too. The visit of the store itself happened today at about 12 PM. After arriving, I had to wait for like half an hour because no one of the available staff (1 random gal) could help me. That was due to them having other visitors other than me, which is kinda cool because I didn’t know so many people here are interested in music. After waiting, I explained everything to a guy, and he told me that buying an extremely cheap amp is a terrible idea and I should consider an external audio card instead. The card costs only 3000 rubles, and it seems like it’s capable of producing much better sound that a random shitty Chinese amp, so he managed to convince me. The checkout took also an excessive amount of time, but it didn’t make any sadder. Yeah, and I also bought a couple of audio jack adapters just in case. The only thing that was left after that was to cross the fingers and hope it works on Linux, and well, it does. Even though GNOME Settings doesn’t recognize the existence of its audio input, it seems to successfully record audio, which I found out by connecting my headphones to the input port. The sound was pretty quiet though, but I suspect it’s due to the fact they’re fucking headphones and not a microphone.


Here we go, another boring day. And what did I do to make it less boring? Well, of course, I took a nap. It wasn’t as easy to do as usual because of the recent drug, but hopefully, it did help. Overall, this summer isn’t as boring as last one yet, so I’m hopeful that I’ll come up with even more tricks later. Also I hope I actually start doing anything college-wise because I really need to.


Well, today wasn’t much different from yesterday. I didn’t manage to come up with anything fun to do yet, but making some minor adjustments for my website didn’t let me get too bored. For example, I added an anchor link to every heading. Now if you hover over any of them, you’ll see a little pound character, which acts as a link, which you can copy. Now it’s much easier to reference a specific chapter of the page. Also I continued moving my secret pages to Bruh, Ltd - this time I moved the pedometer page, which now also gained an ability to track progress of multiple people. So yeah, that’s about it. As you can see, I still didn’t start doing college stuff, but as my mom says, I’ll get there somehow.


Pretty much expectedly, the things didn’t start getting better yet. On the art therapy today we were painting using a very interesting technique - we were passing our works around making each one of us add one detail to the whole thing. There were like 10 of us, so it took us 10 rounds to get our paintings back. I was the most “original” and ruined several people’s paintings by misinterpreting their plot or adding a completely unnecessary detail. They were angry at me, so it was pretty fun. As I probably already mentioned, I was prescribed yet another that was supposed to cancel the side-effects of my main one. Unfortunately, it added back the feeling of uneasiness that my old drug had. Or actually, did it? I’m not sure, but my doctor says it actually cancels this effect, and it’s my fault for not taking it on time. Well, I don’t know. Next time I’ll try my best to do it, but something still tells me that it doesn’t cancel shit. After the clinic visit, I bought a shawarma as usual, which I probably shouldn’t have done, considering how much money I spent on my musical instrument. Doing it left me with a strong sense of guilt that didn’t leave me for the rest of the day. After my parents arrived, we went to the building material shop because we apparently fucked up and didn’t buy quite enough tiles. Also for some reason, I started feeling extremely drugged, which you can probably already notice by how I’m writing this entry. My mom gave me the old drug that supposedly cancels the druggedness, but it didn’t do shit as usual. In terms of my website, the current idea I have on my mind is to separate cringy old stuff to a separate website. This won’t only allow me to put more detail into it but also purge even more of my secret pages. Consider how drugged I am, I doubt I’ll be able to do it today, and I can also just suddenly scrap the whole idea as usual, but in any case, expect me to do it soon.


Today I was going to do nothing as usual, but luckily I got an idea to finally try some fish and chips. So my mom and I went and bought the ingredients, and guess what, I actually ate some. They were pretty good despite the fact that we didn’t follow the recipe in some aspects. You can find more info in the food journal, which I planned to split by decades but decided not too yet. Maybe I’ll reconsider when there are more entries.

The Cringe Zone.


The day was meh. Nothing particularly shitty happened (well, at least for me - my friend got into a copyright trouble on Newgrounds, so I had to support him in this regard), but my mood still wasn’t too great. I think this might be because of the weather. In terms of my activities, I spent the day removing the traces of old secret pages after I moved them to the Cringe Zone, which I finished yesterday. I also moved another unrelated page to Bruh, Ltd. 3 more pages and I’m done.


The musical instrument is here. As you probably already guessed, it’s a bass guitar. So how good am I at learning to play it? Well, not quite as good as I expected. It turned out bass guitars are really damn huge while my hands are tiny, so I can barely stretch my fingers to 2 frets. According to random people on YouTube, it shouldn’t be a big problem with some practice, so let’s trust them. Another problem was that I still don’t understand how to actually hear what I’m playing, though I did manage to record something, so I guess that’s not a problem. Also on top of this, I got too excited while carrying the thing home and got really drugged. The new medication that I didn’t forget to take this time didn’t help even a single bit. So I guess now there’s no choice for me but suffer and wait until it gets better so I have another chance at trying it.


The results of the English exams came back. I have on average over 180 points for reading, use of english, listening, and speaking, which is an A grade, however I only have 171 for writing, which is a C. Overall, I have 183 points, which is thankfully an A. As you can see, while I did great I still managed to fuck up. Additionally, on the last exam, I also fucked up with writing, which means I shot myself in the same leg twice in a row. I was pretty angry about this fact when I first saw the results, but hey, the overalls are great, so I guess there’s still a reason to celebrate.

I made some progress regarding my bass playing. The keyword here, however, is “some” because I feel like I barely moved anywhere and I might just give up like I usually do. But in any case, first, I finally managed to hear what I’m playing. It turned out that there’s a special button on my new sound card that allows me to monitor the input - all I had to do was plug in the headphones in the right slot. Actually, I discovered this feature on accident when trying to record my shit in Audacity - I stopped recording but could still hear my playing. One problem, however, I still have is noise due to poor shielding, but my hypothesis is that it’s the fault of the shitty wire and not the bass itself. Regarding the playing itself, my current objective is to learn to play Seven Nation Army. So far my efforts have been fruitless and I couldn’t play more than 1 note properly. I guess practice will help, but again, I have doubts on whether I won’t give up.


I feel like giving up on life.

I just bought Minecraft: Java Edition. Yes, I’m not kidding, I actually spent a shitton of money on a video game. What is wrong with me?

Okay, now when I wrote more than a sentence about today, I just owe you some elaboration on why it’s so bad. Long story short - my mood was fucking awful. Perhaps it’s because the weather keeps being shit, perhaps it’s something else. In any case, I spent the day doing absolutely nothing. The only significant thing today was me improving the design of heading anchors on my website, and other than that, I was doing nothing but lying in the bed watching videos while being sad. The last exam, which is also an internship report presentation, is only 3 days away, and I haven’t done shit so far. Will I be able to do anything while being so down? We’ll see.