06 - June


The first day of the summer, huh? My groupmates shared a schedule for this month with me today, and as far as I understand, we’ll have exams and thesis presentation really really soon, and then there’s gonna be another practice. As I mentioned previously, I ran out of college non-related things to do (or so I thought because I still have a couple of extremely minor things to do), and I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to start doing anything today. My friend is trying to help me as much as possible, which I’m thankful for, but I still can’t just lift my ass. Our curator (honestly, I have no idea how it’s called in English, so let’s pretend it’s an appropriately applicable term) called me today and was like “hey are you doing anything?” It was extremely uncomfortable as usual, and we also scheduled a WhatsApp call with her, my mom, and I, which is gonna happen so, but it’s probably gonna be as shitty as usual, so I likely won’t even bother to write about. The most realistic thing I can do right now is probably databases, so I guess I know what to begin with.

So regarding my personal stuff, I did do a little bit minor. I cleaned up the GitLab pipelines for my website, which cleaned over 500 MB of space. I also cleaned up enabled features for my repos and removed a project which didn’t deserve a repo.

I’ve been recently questioning my religiousness. I say on my about section that I’m an atheist, but am I really? I mean I do sort of believe that the universe was created but don’t believe in one specific god. Does this count? Also I’ve had solipsistic thoughts too. The main problem is just I can’t grasp the concept of consciousness. Why does this body have to be a vessel for my thoughts? My perception of reality heavily depends on how this body functions biologically, so why can’t it just function on itself without involving me? I just can’t understand why I have to be a protagonist of some story. For this reason, I have quite some doubts about whether other people actually exist and whether they’re like me. In any case, thinking about it makes no sense because solipsism is unfalsifiable and whether anything exists makes no practical difference, so I don’t know why I even waste my time on it.


Some progress has been made - I’ve successfully passed life safety. All I had to do was one little work and a couple of test, on which the teacher barely even looked. One task less, I guess. Other than that, I spent the day trying to find college non-related stuff to do, doing nothing, and learning the Wayland protocol for educational purposes. Currently I have an idea to write a toy graphics toolkit/layout engine and maybe make a video game based on it. Considering I’m using C, that would be a quite challeging task to accomplish. By the way, I forgot to mention, but my parents and I were kinda thinking about buying me an apartment, which would solve the moving out problem, and it seems like the things are going in the right direction - my dad says his loan was approved, and they already reserved the apartment. Now we only have to wait until it’s built and renovated somehow.


The progress has stopped. I couldn’t do anything today. Additionally, I felt like shit. I suspect this can be because of the weather. The exams start really soon (and I even thought we had one today), and I think this time I could be not as lucky and get my ass slapped just as I deserve. For my personal projects, I barely did anything - I finally made a simple web page our programming teacher told me to do (as far as I remember at least) and made a few adjustments for jamtext. I think the latter can be released soon.


gsdfjkgbkjasdfgakfastgeuywegkjduywteiurtwejrhgbjkdgasduyftwauefgykjsdgkuygKJgfKJHGfukytgwergweuygkjDKUytgKgjgduygtUKygrfjhmnVKUefygfKJFgvLfhgvLFhgoFYjkhgfJKGFFHGASAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Okay, so today I had the second clinic visit of this week. Not much happened except they lowered my antidepressant for some reason and the fact that the therapist is going on a vacation, so they’ll probably replace her with another person. I went back home on foot once again by a route I took the first time I did such a thing, and it felt much easier than that time. Tomorrow we have a databases exam, and guess what, my preparation is not going well. There are, like, 50 questions to prepare for, and less than a half of them are related to SQL (programming). So far I had one round of googling the answers, and I wouldn’t say it helped much. I feel kinda hopeless, but it’s still important that I mustn’t let my laziness win, so I guess I’ll keep trying to start another round.


Well, the exam didn’t go quite as well as I expected. I spent my way to college anxiously preparing to the worst question torture possible, but the exactly opposite happened. There were only 2 questions, and there were quite easy, but I still managed to fuck up. As I have or haven’t mentioned, I haven’t been doing the large task we were assigned some time ago, and she decided that what I did wasn’t enough to even deserve a C, I should do the task and present it to her. I’ve got time only until Monday, and these two days are not quite enough for me. I have other exams to prepare for, and we also have a thesis presentation soon, to which I’m currently absolutely unprepared, but I guess I have no choice. Currently I sort of did the task itself, and now I need to test if it actually works in production and write a report, the latter of which I’m planning to do by stealing from my friend. As you might know, I work poorly even under minimal pressure, so you probably know how I feel right now.


Thanks to my dearest friend, I did manage to fix the report. But there’s still one little problem - it fucking sucks. This report is by far the worst one I’ve ever made, and I can only hope that the teacher accepts it. But still, I spent the whole day on it. Tomorrow we have a programming exam, and according to our teacher, it’s gonna be pretty easy, so I’m not worrying about it.

As a reward for making the report, my mom promised me some sushi, which I did get. I also bought a can of condensed milk later, which I ate in a single take. That’s pretty fucked up. While going to the mall, my mom and I discussed what we’re going to do with my new apartment. For obvious reasons, I won’t be able to renovate it myself, so we settled on hiring someone even though it’s expensive. She also had some stupid ideas like inviting my friends to do it, but let’s not talk about them. We also discussed what I’m gonna do with my life and didn’t get anywhere once again. None of us could come up with a reasonable occupation for me that would give me money and that I’d actually want to do. I need to mention that to my new therapist. Also my mom told me that I should mention how I theatened to beat up my grandma after she accused me of doing nothing because apparently that’s dangerous. Whatever.


The bitch refused to take my work. Yes, I am not kidding. She literally told me that she wants to torture me a bit, so I have to wait until September. This was just heartbreaking, and I got so mad I wanted to slap her as hard as possible so she never walks again. Sigh. In any case, we have a thesis presentation in 2 days, so I spent the rest of the day trying my best not to fuck up and deliver everything on time. So far I’ve been doing great.


I spent the whole day doing the fucking thesis. Also my doctor wants me to stop taking antidepressants soon. That’s about it.


I’ve finally did what I’d been meticulously preparing for over 2 days - presented my thesis. I didn’t expect anything to go wrong, and luckily, nothing did. The presentation itself went flawlessly, and no one even looked at my report, so there were no complaints yet. By the way, I was the only one to wrap the whole shit in punched pockets and a folder. The teacher allowed us to leave after presenting, but I waited for a while to ask some stupid questions to the presenters and wait for my friends. I spend the rest of the day getting some long-awaited rest. However, it’s not the right time to fully relax as we have another exam in just 2 days. I don’t know shit about the subject it’s about, but you know, I’m optimistic. I’m just gonna do it somehow. Am I more stupid than everyone else? Surely not.


Today our curator politely invited me to the database teacher to solve my shit. Fortunately, everything went even more fine than I expected. She made me solve a couple of easy practical SQL tasks, out of which I couldn’t do only one, and I got a B in the end. It took me some time to find my record-book, but otherwise that was it. While I was searching for it, I also found the schedule for tomorrow’s exam, which no one else could find. Regarding the exam itself though, I’m not as sure as yesterday now. While we would be given an additional test that will potentially lower our risks of fucking up, I still don’t know shit about the subjects. I need to at least read the answers to the exam questions once, but I can’t force myself to.


Today was the last exam of this year. Thank God. The exam itself went pretty rough though. Right of the bat, I fucked up and forgot my very important copybook, so I had to spend 2 hours going back home just to take it. Then I had to wait a ridiculous amount of time until the teacher comes back. When she did come, she asked me like “do you want an A, a B, or a C?” I, of course, answered that I’d be glad if I got a 3, so she gave me a 10-question test. I tried my best answering it randomly, and then I had to spend another 6 years waiting until she checks everything. She announced that I indeed got a C, and I was pretty much okay with it. Just when I started going out of the college, I suddenly noticed that I forgot my phone, so I had to run 4 floors back up to take it. After that, I was finally free. As you can expect, I celebrated this occasion by eating a shitton of food and updating my website. Specifically, I finally added a description to every page by uising Hugo hacks, so now Google and Discord will display proper thumbnails.


My mom’s friends recently arrived in our city, so I was kindly invited to go hang out with them. I fell asleep pretty late, so I had to decline and spend half of the day sleeping. When I did wake up, I did quite a few minor updates to my website. I didn’t do all of the ones I planned, but whatever. While I was doing all of that, the guys were at a swimming pool, and now thinking about it I’m kinda jealous. At about 3 or 4 PM they went to our house and invited me once again, and I agreed this time. I was also asked to take my laptop charger because they forgot theirs, but it later turned out that they (expectedly) had an incompatible with mine laptop model. After a short stay in our apartment, the trip finally began. First, they drove us to their apartment, which they rented for a couple of days. The apartment is located in the center of the city, which is a pretty good place for a walk, so it’s perfectly understandable why we went there. After that, we went to a nearby cafe and I and ate a shitton of food. I alone ate a full-scale Italian pizza, a shawarma, and several sushi rolls. Not only I consumed several thousand calories, my stomach got heavily bloated for the rest of the day, which made my life much harder. While we were waiting for our food, I manged to show my websites to them, and it also turned out that one of them also had a website like 15 years ago. Also I somehow forgot to put some money on my credit card, so Neocities failed to withdraw the monthly Supporter fee. I didn’t know what to do, so I canceled my subscription and bought it again. I hope I won’t be charged twice for that. After the meal, we finally went for a walk. We went to the direction of the local river port, climbed up the mounting with a nice view of the city, and climbed back down to the river. There we saw a live perfomance of some local pop band. The music itself wasn’t too cringy, but the dancing of middle-aged women, namely my mom and one of the guests, was. The music itself reminded me of my dream to learn to play a music instrument. My mom told me that it’d totally feasible, and finding the instrument itself and a teacher is not that hard. After that, we went to some square located a thousand miles away, where there alledgedly were going to be fireworks. We decided not to wait for them because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to find any public transportation to get home. Well, that’s about it for the trip. Did I enjoy it? Yeah. Though I wish I at least didn’t eat thay shawarma because my stomach would thank me.


The celebration continues. But what are we even celebrating? In any case, I woke up late today too, but this time the others weren’t having fun without me. After waking up, I made several updates to my website as usual, and we were ready to head out at about 4 PM. First, we went to the pool, where we also got a 50% discount because we arrived after 5 PM. We were swimming for about 2 or 3 hours and then went to KFC. There we once again ate a shitton of food. There’s not much else I can say about it for today because it was indeed not as fun as yesterday.