05 - May


Today was a nice sunny day. I mean, teachnically there were clouds in the sky, and it was even raining at some point, but you get the point. My mom, my sister, and I had a walk planned for today. When we finally got outside, my mom decided that it’d be nice if she just left us alone. Well, weird flex but okay, I guess. The first thing we did was going to KFC and spending a mindblowing amount of money of food. We didn’t buy much in terms of calories, and used coupons, but we still managed to spend like 10 bucks. Next, we were going to go to the cinema, but the choice of films wasn’t too interesting, so we decided to actually walk instead. We went in a random direction using buying more stickers for my laptop as motivation. We visited a clothing shop, a household product shop, and finally a book shop themed mall. Initially we went to the last one to find manga, but there were none. We checked all 4 floors - nothing. Then we realized that there was another basement floor, where there was a music instrument shop and a cosmetics shop. The first one didn’t have anything interesting other than ridiculously priced bass guitars, but the latter one actually did. For god knows what reason, a fucking cosmetics shop actually had some stickers. We bought several of them since they were actually interesting. After that, we continued going down that street, and it was actually kinda interesting since I’d never walked there before. There was a great variety of shops and shit, but none of them could’ve possibly had any stickers, of course. After some time, we reached the river port, which is like basically on the boundary of our city despite being in a central area. At that moment, I was really interested in continuing walking since it was a pefect occasion for that, but my sister suddenly decided that she got tired. I tried my best to persuade her to continue walking, but I reached the limit when she started moaning every 5 seconds and making random stops. Initially I decided that I’d let her go home and walk all the way home on foot, but I quickly realized that it’d be ridiculous, especially considering I had no cash in case I’d want to take a marshrutka back home. So I decided to go home with home with her, but first we had to make a pause at a grocery store to buy some ice cream. We ended up buying chocolate, water, and, you guessed it, stickers instead. Yes, there was a office product store in the same building as the grocery store and they happened to have stickers. When we got to the bus stop, we instantly missed some stops since my sister had barely any idea what bus we should be looking for, making us miss several good ones. We ended up getting on a bus that goes in our direction but not quite - we’d still have to walk 1 stop, but it’s not so bad right? I can’t possibly imagine what was going on in my sister’s had at the moment, but she decided that we shouldn’t go out at the intended stop and instead should go one stop further. And again, she was fucking tired, so I have no idea what motivated her so much. I decided to take the best advantage of the situation and go to the shop nearby and buy some stuff our mom told us, but she refused, so we had to split. I ended up getting back home earlier than her, so I suspect she might be hiding something from me. In any case, who cares.


Yesterday my mom promised that she’d go on a walk with me without my sister. She lied. My sister and I had to go alone just like yesterday while my mom was partying with guests at home because today’s Easter or something. We went to KFC as usual, where we ordered stuff similar to yesterday’s. I think we spent like 2 bucks less but still too fucking much. Then we were supposed to take another nice long walk, but she was like “nah, I’m going back home.” Well, cool. So I decided to go somewhere alone. I went in a random direction and started doing turns in unknown directions to avoid visiting places I already knew. I didn’t do a good job at it because I soon got to a longass street, which I saw countless times but was indeed walking down it on foot for the first time. After the street ended, I reached another longass street, which was filled with abandoned buildings and probably homeless people and rapists. The weather was nice, and there were no cars, so the atmosphere was calming, and I didn’t worry much. I perfectly knew how to get home from there, so I did it. It only took about 20000 steps and destroying my feet. I’m satisfied.


My mom promised that she’d finally go on a walk with me today. She didn’t lie this time. Well, sort of. She woke me up at like 9 AM and told me that she’d go without me if I don’t wake up. As you can expect, I’d have an incredibly boring day without a walk, so I just had to agree. We had a choice between 2 shopping malls - one we’ve been to countless times and one I didn’t even know existed; I chose the latter. It was located in a recently build disricts with lots of houses built in the 2010s. It looked pretty creepy and deserted because houses were standing far apart from each other and there were nothing there other than apartment buildings and a giant mall. You know, I don’t like this kind of architecture, and I think modern districts in, for example, Moscow or Hong Kong look much better than what we have here. I mean, for fuck’s sake, even khrushchevka districts here (including the one I live in) look better, so I don’t know how it could even be designed. Did they purposefully wanted to make people depressed with these abominations? Couldn’t they at least plant some trees or do something else so the whole thing doesn’t look like a scene from a dystopian movie? Sigh. In any case, the mall was not quite as good as I expected. Like 80% of the mall was occupied by an Auchan, and there was even no KFC there. What’s the point of calling it a mall if there’s only one store in it? So we bought some vacuum bags and food there. Then, because there was no KFC in it, we went to another nearby mall, which was this time 99% occupied by Lenta but did have a KFC, and ate some food there. We planned to go home on foot afterwards, but my mom told me that her legs didn’t feel too great, and I was pretty lazy to defend my point of view, so we agreed to take a tram home. At home we made a giant shawarma, which I singlehandedly ate. No wonder I’m so fucking fat. I spent the rest of the day doing GNOME debugging - mostly trying to figure out why the shell starts so slowly. It turned out that I had GTK_USE_PORTAL=1 set for some unknown reason, and it was messing with GNOME services. But to find this out, oh boy, I had to do quite some work launching the shell a hundred of times under a different user with only some configs copied from mine. Maybe I should make a bug report? Probably not since it’s I who fucked up, but I don’t know.


The day was much more boring than yesterday. I spent most of the day inside staring at the monitor. But to be fair, I did get outside once… to go to KFC. I did walk back home on foot, so I guess I’m satisfied that I walked at least the daily dose of steps. The weather outside is so nice, I wish I had a reason to get out more frequently. Inside, I spent most of the time torturing myself with GNOME Wayland bugs. Tomorrow I’m finally going to my new therapist, and I hope everything will go fine.


So the therapist visit turned out to be a bit more exciting than I expected. As I’ve mentioned (or have I), the clinic is located is outside of the city. Well, technically it is inside but in a remote district I’d never visited before. The clinic itself is quite large and looks like an actual hospital rather than a soviet shack. In contrast with the previous clinic where there are barely any specialists, here I was promised a whole complex of psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists and other workers. We went there at like 9 AM with the referral we were given yesterday. First, we went to the main doctor, who began torturing me with questions just like I expected. I told her about my 3 main worries - suicidal thoughts, lack of motivation, and unreasonable anxiety. She seems like a highly skilled and professional woman who I can handle my shit. Though it looks like she’s a truscum, but that’s pretty much to be expected because, come on, we live in a fucking third world country. Also I’m not here to solve my gender issues, so I guess whatever. So she also started evaluating whether she actually wants to serve me and whether I agree. Additionally, I asked her about how the whole thing works and what doctors do what. Then we went to some other person who was also meeting every person who contacts their clinic. She asked me more specific questions, wrote a dossier on me, and gave me some papers to sign. Then we went back to the previous person, and she asked more questions and explained more of my questions. While we were at it, I showed her my website. Then she directed to my actual therapist who’s gonna handle my shit daily. She asked me even more even more personal questions and wrote my answers in an even more detailed digital dossier. She told me when to attend and what methods of torture they’re gonna use on me. Finally, we went to the lady that gave me free drugs, this time slightly different from mine with less side-effects. She also gave me the doctor schedule and when I should go to the blood/urine test. And that was about it for the day. The whole thing took like 5 hours because of excruciatingly long lines, but it wasn’t too bad. So will it be alright here? I don’t know, we’ll see.

Some more things I forgot to mention. First, it turns out I gained 8 kilos. This is fucked up but expected considering how many KFC visits per day I make. Second, my doctor said that with my shit it’s unlikely that I can get hormones. Well, too bad. I can do DIY instead, so who cares. Third, my mom and I just went back there, this time using public transportation. It seems like it’s not too far, and it’s pretty easy to get there.


Today’s visit wasn’t quite as interesting as I expected. I went a little bit different route than yesterday, but it turned out to be even shorter. My mom told me to head out early, which was probably a mistake because I had to sit there and wait for almost an hour. When the time finally came, I was told to put my piss jar near a specific window and got my blood test taken. Then I had to go through an electrocardiogram, for which I had to wait once again because the doctor didn’t expect us to get there so early. Then I went to my main doctor who verified what I need to do next and gave me a paper that I would use to get the drugs. After getting them, I went through 3 specialists - a “social work specialist” (who?), a therapist (or is it actually psychiatrist?), and a psychologist. Each one of them asked me a couple of personal questions and gave a small little homework - make up a schedule, write down what I want to improve in myself, and solve anagrams. Sounds kinda anticlimactic, but yeah, that was it for the whole session.

So the GNOME bug investigation continues. I made a Bruh, Ltd demo page to find out how exactly buffers get corrupted and went on to fix the bug itself. I tried my best but still fucked up because it doesn’t work with multiple monitors. Also I got too excited and started feeling drugged. Guess I continue tomorrow.

I don’t feel too great, so expect me to submit this entry tomorrow.


This day was a bit more interesting. It began with my grandma desperately trying to wake me up because she thought I wouldn’t have enough time to do the homework. Evem though I told her to calm down, the almost had a panic attack, but it was completely meanigless because I did the homework pretty fast and still had a ton of time left. She needs to learn to worry less because her health gets affected by some stupid shit like this, and I’m worried about it. I arrived perfectly on time, and the first thing we had was a relaxation exercise named after some foreign fucker. The basic idea was tiring our muscles, thus making us feel better when we finally relax. Sort of like regular sports. Also nice calming music was playing in the background and they used ASMR/hypnosis type thing in the end. So did it work? Absolutely fucking not. I got barely relaxed and was covered in sweat caused by extreme heat. I could barely take it, and I wanted to just give up and take off my hoodie mid-session. I was told that I was doing it wrong, which I probably was. Then I went to take my drugs. I notified the doctor about my druggedness episode yestersay, and she told me than we can try to change them later. When I went to recieve the drugs themselves, a neurologist came and checked me, after which I was directed to some electric therapy, which I’ll now have to visit. You know, I don’t even know if this shit even makes scientific sense, but why not. Then I was supposed to visit the 3 doctors. The social specialist type beat person just checked if I’m alive, and the psychologist gave me even more stupid paper games for 5th graders. I thought the therapist visit wouldn’t go too well considering how much she tortured me on the relaxation session, but it was alright I guess. Her main complaint to me was that I worry too much about the future and that I should focus on the present because it’s the only time I can actually do something in. She told me that I need to learn to enjoy the moment by tricking myself into doing hard things so I can enjoy something later. Well, pretty reasonable. I also showed her my diary, and she could even read it because she apparently knows English. That’s cool because it’d make it easy for me to communicate with her. She suggested me to try journaling in greater detail (like, with timestamps and more routine events), which I am gonna do but not here since it’d be boring for you, my dear reader, to read.

So while I was going there by bus, I found an interesting solution to the bug. I was extremely excited about it, and spent the whole time wanting to go back home and try it out. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. Well, it did improve the situation, but it turned out I was looking for the wrong solution all this time. Now I’m desperately trying to find a better one. I don’t think this is healthy.