05 - May


Today was a nice sunny day. I mean, teachnically there were clouds in the sky, and it was even raining at some point, but you get the point. My mom, my sister, and I had a walk planned for today. When we finally got outside, my mom decided that it’d be nice if she just left us alone. Well, weird flex but okay, I guess. The first thing we did was going to KFC and spending a mindblowing amount of money of food. We didn’t buy much in terms of calories, and used coupons, but we still managed to spend like 10 bucks. Next, we were going to go to the cinema, but the choice of films wasn’t too interesting, so we decided to actually walk instead. We went in a random direction using buying more stickers for my laptop as motivation. We visited a clothing shop, a household product shop, and finally a book shop themed mall. Initially we went to the last one to find manga, but there were none. We checked all 4 floors - nothing. Then we realized that there was another basement floor, where there was a music instrument shop and a cosmetics shop. The first one didn’t have anything interesting other than ridiculously priced bass guitars, but the latter one actually did. For god knows what reason, a fucking cosmetics shop actually had some stickers. We bought several of them since they were actually interesting. After that, we continued going down that street, and it was actually kinda interesting since I’d never walked there before. There was a great variety of shops and shit, but none of them could’ve possibly had any stickers, of course. After some time, we reached the river port, which is like basically on the boundary of our city despite being in a central area. At that moment, I was really interested in continuing walking since it was a pefect occasion for that, but my sister suddenly decided that she got tired. I tried my best to persuade her to continue walking, but I reached the limit when she started moaning every 5 seconds and making random stops. Initially I decided that I’d let her go home and walk all the way home on foot, but I quickly realized that it’d be ridiculous, especially considering I had no cash in case I’d want to take a marshrutka back home. So I decided to go home with home with her, but first we had to make a pause at a grocery store to buy some ice cream. We ended up buying chocolate, water, and, you guessed it, stickers instead. Yes, there was a office product store in the same building as the grocery store and they happened to have stickers. When we got to the bus stop, we instantly missed some stops since my sister had barely any idea what bus we should be looking for, making us miss several good ones. We ended up getting on a bus that goes in our direction but not quite - we’d still have to walk 1 stop, but it’s not so bad right? I can’t possibly imagine what was going on in my sister’s had at the moment, but she decided that we shouldn’t go out at the intended stop and instead should go one stop further. And again, she was fucking tired, so I have no idea what motivated her so much. I decided to take the best advantage of the situation and go to the shop nearby and buy some stuff our mom told us, but she refused, so we had to split. I ended up getting back home earlier than her, so I suspect she might be hiding something from me. In any case, who cares.


Yesterday my mom promised that she’d go on a walk with me without my sister. She lied. My sister and I had to go alone just like yesterday while my mom was partying with guests at home because today’s Easter or something. We went to KFC as usual, where we ordered stuff similar to yesterday’s. I think we spent like 2 bucks less but still too fucking much. Then we were supposed to take another nice long walk, but she was like “nah, I’m going back home.” Well, cool. So I decided to go somewhere alone. I went in a random direction and started doing turns in unknown directions to avoid visiting places I already knew. I didn’t do a good job at it because I soon got to a longass street, which I saw countless times but was indeed walking down it on foot for the first time. After the street ended, I reached another longass street, which was filled with abandoned buildings and probably homeless people and rapists. The weather was nice, and there were no cars, so the atmosphere was calming, and I didn’t worry much. I perfectly knew how to get home from there, so I did it. It only took about 20000 steps and destroying my feet. I’m satisfied.


My mom promised that she’d finally go on a walk with me today. She didn’t lie this time. Well, sort of. She woke me up at like 9 AM and told me that she’d go without me if I don’t wake up. As you can expect, I’d have an incredibly boring day without a walk, so I just had to agree. We had a choice between 2 shopping malls - one we’ve been to countless times and one I didn’t even know existed; I chose the latter. It was located in a recently build disricts with lots of houses built in the 2010s. It looked pretty creepy and deserted because houses were standing far apart from each other and there were nothing there other than apartment buildings and a giant mall. You know, I don’t like this kind of architecture, and I think modern districts in, for example, Moscow or Hong Kong look much better than what we have here. I mean, for fuck’s sake, even khrushchevka districts here (including the one I live in) look better, so I don’t know how it could even be designed. Did they purposefully wanted to make people depressed with these abominations? Couldn’t they at least plant some trees or do something else so the whole thing doesn’t look like a scene from a dystopian movie? Sigh. In any case, the mall was not quite as good as I expected. Like 80% of the mall was occupied by an Auchan, and there was even no KFC there. What’s the point of calling it a mall if there’s only one store in it? So we bought some vacuum bags and food there. Then, because there was no KFC in it, we went to another nearby mall, which was this time 99% occupied by Lenta but did have a KFC, and ate some food there. We planned to go home on foot afterwards, but my mom told me that her legs didn’t feel too great, and I was pretty lazy to defend my point of view, so we agreed to take a tram home. At home we made a giant shawarma, which I singlehandedly ate. No wonder I’m so fucking fat. I spent the rest of the day doing GNOME debugging - mostly trying to figure out why the shell starts so slowly. It turned out that I had GTK_USE_PORTAL=1 set for some unknown reason, and it was messing with GNOME services. But to find this out, oh boy, I had to do quite some work launching the shell a hundred of times under a different user with only some configs copied from mine. Maybe I should make a bug report? Probably not since it’s I who fucked up, but I don’t know.


The day was much more boring than yesterday. I spent most of the day inside staring at the monitor. But to be fair, I did get outside once… to go to KFC. I did walk back home on foot, so I guess I’m satisfied that I walked at least the daily dose of steps. The weather outside is so nice, I wish I had a reason to get out more frequently. Inside, I spent most of the time torturing myself with GNOME Wayland bugs. Tomorrow I’m finally going to my new therapist, and I hope everything will go fine.


So the therapist visit turned out to be a bit more exciting than I expected. As I’ve mentioned (or have I), the clinic is located is outside of the city. Well, technically it is inside but in a remote district I’d never visited before. The clinic itself is quite large and looks like an actual hospital rather than a soviet shack. In contrast with the previous clinic where there are barely any specialists, here I was promised a whole complex of psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists and other workers. We went there at like 9 AM with the referral we were given yesterday. First, we went to the main doctor, who began torturing me with questions just like I expected. I told her about my 3 main worries - suicidal thoughts, lack of motivation, and unreasonable anxiety. She seems like a highly skilled and professional woman who I can handle my shit. Though it looks like she’s a truscum, but that’s pretty much to be expected because, come on, we live in a fucking third world country. Also I’m not here to solve my gender issues, so I guess whatever. So she also started evaluating whether she actually wants to serve me and whether I agree. Additionally, I asked her about how the whole thing works and what doctors do what. Then we went to some other person who was also meeting every person who contacts their clinic. She asked me more specific questions, wrote a dossier on me, and gave me some papers to sign. Then we went back to the previous person, and she asked more questions and explained more of my questions. While we were at it, I showed her my website. Then she directed to my actual therapist who’s gonna handle my shit daily. She asked me even more even more personal questions and wrote my answers in an even more detailed digital dossier. She told me when to attend and what methods of torture they’re gonna use on me. Finally, we went to the lady that gave me free drugs, this time slightly different from mine with less side-effects. She also gave me the doctor schedule and when I should go to the blood/urine test. And that was about it for the day. The whole thing took like 5 hours because of excruciatingly long lines, but it wasn’t too bad. So will it be alright here? I don’t know, we’ll see.

Some more things I forgot to mention. First, it turns out I gained 8 kilos. This is fucked up but expected considering how many KFC visits per day I make. Second, my doctor said that with my shit it’s unlikely that I can get hormones. Well, too bad. I can do DIY instead, so who cares. Third, my mom and I just went back there, this time using public transportation. It seems like it’s not too far, and it’s pretty easy to get there.


Today’s visit wasn’t quite as interesting as I expected. I went a little bit different route than yesterday, but it turned out to be even shorter. My mom told me to head out early, which was probably a mistake because I had to sit there and wait for almost an hour. When the time finally came, I was told to put my piss jar near a specific window and got my blood test taken. Then I had to go through an electrocardiogram, for which I had to wait once again because the doctor didn’t expect us to get there so early. Then I went to my main doctor who verified what I need to do next and gave me a paper that I would use to get the drugs. After getting them, I went through 3 specialists - a “social work specialist” (who?), a therapist (or is it actually psychiatrist?), and a psychologist. Each one of them asked me a couple of personal questions and gave a small little homework - make up a schedule, write down what I want to improve in myself, and solve anagrams. Sounds kinda anticlimactic, but yeah, that was it for the whole session.

So the GNOME bug investigation continues. I made a Bruh, Ltd demo page to find out how exactly buffers get corrupted and went on to fix the bug itself. I tried my best but still fucked up because it doesn’t work with multiple monitors. Also I got too excited and started feeling drugged. Guess I continue tomorrow.

I don’t feel too great, so expect me to submit this entry tomorrow.


This day was a bit more interesting. It began with my grandma desperately trying to wake me up because she thought I wouldn’t have enough time to do the homework. Evem though I told her to calm down, the almost had a panic attack, but it was completely meanigless because I did the homework pretty fast and still had a ton of time left. She needs to learn to worry less because her health gets affected by some stupid shit like this, and I’m worried about it. I arrived perfectly on time, and the first thing we had was a relaxation exercise named after some foreign fucker. The basic idea was tiring our muscles, thus making us feel better when we finally relax. Sort of like regular sports. Also nice calming music was playing in the background and they used ASMR/hypnosis type thing in the end. So did it work? Absolutely fucking not. I got barely relaxed and was covered in sweat caused by extreme heat. I could barely take it, and I wanted to just give up and take off my hoodie mid-session. I was told that I was doing it wrong, which I probably was. Then I went to take my drugs. I notified the doctor about my druggedness episode yestersay, and she told me than we can try to change them later. When I went to recieve the drugs themselves, a neurologist came and checked me, after which I was directed to some electric therapy, which I’ll now have to visit. You know, I don’t even know if this shit even makes scientific sense, but why not. Then I was supposed to visit the 3 doctors. The social specialist type beat person just checked if I’m alive, and the psychologist gave me even more stupid paper games for 5th graders. I thought the therapist visit wouldn’t go too well considering how much she tortured me on the relaxation session, but it was alright I guess. Her main complaint to me was that I worry too much about the future and that I should focus on the present because it’s the only time I can actually do something in. She told me that I need to learn to enjoy the moment by tricking myself into doing hard things so I can enjoy something later. Well, pretty reasonable. I also showed her my diary, and she could even read it because she apparently knows English. That’s cool because it’d make it easy for me to communicate with her. She suggested me to try journaling in greater detail (like, with timestamps and more routine events), which I am gonna do but not here since it’d be boring for you, my dear reader, to read.

So while I was going there by bus, I found an interesting solution to the bug. I was extremely excited about it, and spent the whole time wanting to go back home and try it out. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. Well, it did improve the situation, but it turned out I was looking for the wrong solution all this time. Now I’m desperately trying to find a better one. I don’t think this is healthy.


Nothing interesting. I finished my fix, but the GNOME devs haven’t accepted it yet. Probably they need more time. Meanwhile, I have several more ways of fixing it, which I’m gonna try. Today I finally had an English class in the office. Nothing too exciting happened there either. After the class, I was supposed to go on a walk with my mom and my sister, but we couldn’t coordinate good enough, so I had to instead take a nice long walk back home alone. Right now I’m doing GNOME stuff, but I should really be doing my homework. Let’s just assume that I’m fucked.

By some miracle, I managed to find and implement a perfect solution to the bug, which is basically the exact thing the GNOME dev told me to do in the beginning but which I couldn’t do because I didn’t gather enough knowledge back then. Now the only thing I have to do is constantly check whether the MR is merged yet or not.


While not doing the best for myself, I’m still fine. Too bad the classes start in 2 days, and they’ll ruin everything. The only thing planned for today was a walk with my mom. We went to KFC by bus, then went to the river port on food, climbed up a hill, and went back home. That doesn’t sound like much, but we still walked over 13000 steps somehow. Other than that, nothing was supposed to happen today, and it didn’t happen. I’m still waiting for my bugfix to get merged. I guess it’s because it’s the weekend, or maybe I’m actually that bad at talking to people.


So we had another walk. We went to our relative who was reparing an apartment we’re gonna sell soon and then went back home with a stop at a KFC in a mall. All on foot, of course. It still didn’t feel like much but was still somehow 19000 steps. The mall visit was kinda sad, and we made an unfortunate mistake of discussing my life afterwards on our way home. As you can expect, I’m left with no choice but to write everything on my mind here. So let the rant begin. As I mentioned countless times, I feel like my life is meaningless because the situation I’m currently in is unrecoverable. My mom disagrees with me and tells me that everything’s gonna be okay, but I don’t trust her because she doesn’t operate on logic and blindly believes in me. She’s ready to put as much money as possible in me to make me succeed, but I don’t see a point in it because all her efforts are moot because of the fundamental unchangeabke problem with me of being a lazy asshole that makes me unworthy of being given mercy. In any case, back to the problems themselves. My first problem is that I’m never gonna be a real girl. My current doctor says that with a dossier like mine there’s no way I can be given hormones, and you know, I’m inclined to trust her. I have a mental illness, and it complicates the whole process quite a lot. Even if I didn’t have one, my chances wouldn’t be too great still because our country still uses ICD-10, and as far as I know, it operates on an outdated logic that all trans people must be heterosexual and conform to certain stereotypes. This is purely a technical problem, and there’s not much I can do here other than wait until (or more like if) they update. I say that I can just go DIY, but can I really? My mom doesn’t seem too enthusiastic about my transition. She doesn’t quite think that hormones are the best thing for me, and according to what she said to me today, considers a possibility that I’m actually not transgender and all my memories are fake and can be cured. This is absolute fucking bullshit and sounds completely ridiculous, but there’s not much I can do about it. So in the end, I can’t quite consider anyone as playing on my side. There’s barely any chance of me transitioning while I’m in this country, which is quite upsetting because I see absolutely no future as a male and would gladly kill myself if the chances were even smaller. Meanwhile, time is also playing against me, and I only have so much of it until I’m physically and mentally unable to transition as much as I would like. Even if I somehow immigrated, it’d happen a long time from now, and I’d have to continually traumatize myself in the meanwhile. So now we’re slowly getting into another problem - being stuck forever in this country. For obvious reasons, I don’t see a point in immigrating somewhere with conditions worse than here, but the countries I do want to get into (i.e. English-speaking ones) have too high requirements that I’ll never be able to achieve. Most of the immigration options such as investment and marriage are closed for me, so the only things I left with are education and work. According to my quick Google search, it costs about $20000 a year to study in a university in Canada. This is absolutely a mindboggling number - you can buy an apartment here for this price, so there’s absolutely no way we can handle it. In addition to that, you have to actually study there. Like, you know, do academic stuff, and the chances of me not getting kicked out instantly are also quite small. So the option - work is not much better. I need to somehow interest foreign employers, but I can’t even interest local ones. Because I’m not an absolutely genius and I don’t have years of outstanding work achievements, I need to have at least a university degree and, say, 5 or more years of experience. While it’s quite a challenge for most people, this is a solid brick wall for me that’s just impossible to jump over, no matter how much therapy I recieve. I’m doing quite a poor job at surviving a college, so I quite doubt that I’m capable of surviving a university, which is even harder. In addition to that, I still need to get those years of experience somehow. One option is to work while studying, but it’s completely unrealistic because I’ll burn out pretty quickly. I just wouldn’t be able to do those 2 very difficult things at the same time, especially considering what kind of person I am. But if I instead decide to get those experience after studying, it means that I’m gonna lose even more time. The minimum amount of 4 years of university and 5 years of work is already 9 years, which means I’d be 28 by the time I have even the slightest bit of chance, and that’s assuming everything goes alright, which it mostly likely won’t. I just can’t get over it. Even according to the most optimistic but still realistic prediction, I’d be stuck suffering here for quite a portion of my life. I’m already at my limit, and I won’t survive for this long unless some miracle happens. I see absolutely no reason to even try anymore. My life is fucked beyond repair, and there’s no way around it. Just fucking kill me.


Well, it was pretty much like I expected. Not quite a slap in the face but still uncomfortable. The classes started quite late, and I additionally skipped the first one since it was P.E. and I didn’t have enough patience to embarrass myself again by doing nothing 1.5 hours today. The first class I did attend was English. Nothing extraordinary happened except I got an idea of publishing all of the dialogs we’ve been making on the classes for 3 years. Thinking about it now, it’d be quite awkward since I’m only writing down my own lines and not the partner’s, but still why not. I’ve done a lot of weird shit in my life, and this wouldn’t be the weirdest. The next 2 classes were databases, and this is exactly where I lost patience again. The lecture was excruciatingly boring, so the exact shit I was thinking about yesterday was coming into my head because nothing else was. I was constantly waiting for the whole thing to end, so I can go home, fall asleep, and tomorrow I’ll “get fixed,” which is probably not what’s gonna happen since I still doubt how competent they are, considering how complicated my case is. On the second class, we were given another stupid task, which she didn’t explain again. I tried to do it but quickly came to a dead end because nothing worked despite me doing the same steps as everyone else. I gave up and, after some time, left the class because I couldn’t take any more of it. It wasn’t the smartest thing for me to do, but I kinda have an excuse for skipped classes now, so get fucked.


The day wasn’t exactly the “fix” I expected but it wasn’t shitty either. The therapy session today was so long that I could attend a single class, and it seems like it’s gonna be like this every time. Thankfully. It’s been like 3 days since I last washed my head, so of course, every single fucking doctor was reminding me that I’m an asshole. Thanks, I knew that without you. Will their efforts at making me less lazy succeed? We’ll see. In terms of body tests, we had an X-ray today, and we are supposed to have an examination by a surgeon tomorrow, but I was told that I can skip if I don’t have any complaints, which I don’t. The visit of the 3 doctors went as usual. I didn’t do anything my therapist told me to do, so she simplified the task for me even further. Now I’ll have to just record things I did that are benifitial for me like having a walk or throwing out the trash. I’ll try doing it tomorrow. In terms of exercises, we had a new thing today - therapeutic warm-ups (or whatever they’re called in English, who the fuck cares). In contrast to relaxation, which I thought would be today too but luckily wasn’t, it actually relaxed me. What a miracle! It’s almost as if physical activity is benifitial for your health. In any case, that was about it.

You won’t believe what happened. My mutter screencasting fix got merged. I couldn’t be happier. My own work actually improved someone else’s project. That’s so incredible. Now of course, a little win is no reason to stop, so I’ll continue annoying GNOME developers by submitting bug reports and merge requests. Specifically, my scrolling speed MR is ready, and I’m about to make one more for GNOME Settings.


A certain person from the Netherlands called me yesterday, and we had a nice long talk on Discord, which was an unusual thing because I’d never voice chatted with anyone other than people I know IRL before. We stopped chatting pretty late, so I had to speedrun taking a shower and felt asleep feeling drugged because of being too excited. Today was not as interesting as yesterday to say the least. We had 3 C# programming classes, on which I did absolutely nothing. They passed pretty quickly, which makes sense because my groupmates and I were trying our best to stay entertained. I played chess with my friend (and lost), and we also had a few rounds of Skribbl. After the classes ended, a usual summer day started - I got bored beyond belief. I had absolutely nothing to do and was unwilling to try anything new. You know, like usual. My head was filled with standard worries about the future mixed with the worries about the English exam that’s gonna happen in 2 days. I’m just having a period of barely being able to speak English, and it unfortunately aligned with the time I have an exam. I mean I’m still somehow able to put words into sentences, as you can see, but I feel as if my brain temporarily got hardware acceleration disabled for English. Like when I try to imagine talking to someone, it falls back to Russian instead of English as usual. But at least my internal monologue is still in English. Weird shit.


Not much happened, really. The clinic visit was pretty quick and uneventful. The therapist read the list of benifitial things I did and told me that it’s cool but I’m not doing enough psychical activity. Specifically, she told me that it’d be nice if I walked at least 10000 steps a day. Well, I can try to. I forgot to do the task the psychologist gave me, so she forced me to do it right there. Just like the previous time, I half-assed it, but who cares. After I came home, I wanted to watch anime for the rest of the day but decided not to because I have an English exam tomorrow and getting too excited is not the best idea. Instead I continued toying with GNOME, and I currently have a grand idea to improve screencasting even more.


Today I finally had the Camridge First exam, which, by the way, was apparently named after the B2 proficiency level. As I mentioned, I was worried that I wouldn’t pass it because I’m constantly degrading, but it was actually quite manageable. I expect to at least get the B2 level. The whole thing started at about 10 AM with reading and use of English, which should probably be named use of English and reading because they’re literally in the opposite order. The tasks weren’t too easy, but had an indescribably high level of confidence, so I did them pretty quickly and without much checking. I had to do nothing and wait for about 40 minutes, and after that we had writing. In the first task I had to write an essay about traditional museums being replaced by online counterparts. I disagreed with the sentiment that we should completely replace them, which gave me quite some things to elaborate. I didn’t do a great job at making the whole sound official - I used “you” and “I” a few times, but I guess it’s not too bad. In the second task I had 3 options - an article, a review, and a letter. I chose a review because I couldn’t think of much content for the other 2 options. I wrote about a local swimming pool, which I described as acceptable. Then we had listening, which was about the same as reading except instead of waiting, I had to speedrun the whole thing. Last, we had speaking, which also wasn’t too bad but could be better if I improvised more professionally. Also my turn was one of the last ones, so I had to wait a considerable amount of time here too. So now all I have to do is to wait a month I get my results back.


In our city the vast majority of swimming pools opens in June, but luckily we found one that opens in May. The weather today was perfect, so it was a great opportunity to visit it. I could barely wake up, and we almost canceled the whole trip because the pool would probably be crowded as hell, but decided to give it a try in the end in any case. To get there, we had to first go to the center of the city and then take a ride on an obscure bus that stops only like 2 times an hour. There were only 2 buses for the whole city, and they were quite hard to track because they were just vanishing from the map. Then we had go to right until the end stop of the bus, which is located in the forest, and then walk on foot. The whole trip there took about 2 hours. Just like we expected, there was a shitton of people, but we did manage to find space of ourselves. There were 2 pools for the whole complex, and they weren’t too big and didn’t have any depth variation. Alledgedly they also had heating, but it was still kinda cold. There were no pools and the restaurants only sold alcohol. We spent several hours swimming, but it wasn’t as fun as I expected. I somehow just stopped enjoying simple things like this. After the pool, we went to KFC and spent a ridiculous amount of money of food and then went to the grocery store and spent even more money.


Sorry for not updating the diary on time. I actually still write the entries but just forget to publish them. You know, I also haven’t been doing a great job at recording my dreams either. I just sonehow miss a chance at recording them before I forget everything. But regardless, today was as crappy as usual. The day began with a mess because I couldn’t wake up on time. I hadn’t taken a shit for 2 days, but I had absolutely no time to spare, so I had to with intestines full of shit. It was raining at night, so I decided to go out in a hoodie, which later turned out to be a mistake because it was hot as fuck in it. Because of all this shit, I was about 20 minutes late for the gymnastics class, but it’s better late than never. The therapist visit this time was kinda disappointing. We barely had any time because we were interrupted by the relaxation session that was right after the visit. We also didn’t make much process on my situation - the only advice she gave me was to try helping around the house more. She also told me that I think I’m trans not because it’s true but because of my unusual thinking, which is absolutely fucking ridiculous but to be expected. I guess I have no chance at being accepted here. In addition to that, she denied my worries of not ever being able to leave this country because they’re apparently “not real” despite countless evidence of this country being unliveable. I really don’t like the direction where this is going. After the relaxation, I was told to skip visiting psychologist because I’d have to wait for her for some ridiculous amount of time. Also they changed my drugs this time because the last time they gave me the wrong ones, and I was alright on them. So overall, I think I’m not gonna be helped with my problems at this place. The only person that does something that can actually help is the therapist, and I she already does nothing but feeds me normie stuff, which can’t possibly help. I’m losing more and more hope. You know what would help me? If I lived in a normal country. But to live in a normal country, I first need to get there, but I can’t do that if I don’t get helped first. What a nice circular dependency right here. I see no way out of this feedback loop other than just killing myself and fully avoiding any of the problems. So in any case, I’m not sure what to do now. I’m too lazy to use escapism by watching or playing something, so I guess I’ll just lie in the bed all day long. Food doesn’t seem to help much now as I ate a shitton of it in the last 3 days, so I have no choice but to do nothing but suffer.


Unfortunately, nothing interesting happened. I once again went out in a hoodie, which I regretted. We had 2 databases classes and 2 1C classes, the latter of which I skipped because I suddenly felt drugged. I’ll need to notify my doctor about it tomorrow. Currently I’m waiting for another one of my GNOME MRs to get reviewed.


Another boring day. Today was actually raining, so me taking a hoodie this time was finally actually justified. You know, the rain today was really nice. I really enjoyed walking back home while it was raining. Today’s session began with a gymnastics class. It was a bit messy because I guess they didn’t plan it thoroughly enough, and we had music playing in the background. The music was Russian pop, and it was kinda annoying, but I still sort of enjoyed the exercises. I was also told that I can play my own music next time, so I guess I’ll find a nice album for this occasion. I think Steely Dan would fit nicely. The psychologist session was a bit unusual this time. She actually asked me something instead of dismissing everything and just giving me the stupid tests for kids. Unfortunately, she didn’t ask anything meaningful and just complained about how everything is my own fault. What the fuck, ma’am, I’m here for this exact reason so you can help me solve my problem. Just what kind of bullshit is that? In any case, therapist this time actually had some time to look into my issues, so she drew a map of some sort, which describes my problems and what to do with them. Her basic idea was that I need to slowly adapt myself into doing unpleasant but still bearable things, which would give me the required skills and train my patience. Well, sounds good enough, so I guess I’ll try to. Nothing of particular interest happened after I came home until now.

I ate a shawarma today that was still hot, and now my tongue hurts. I shall never repeat this mistake. I played my mothnly dose of video games today and was also planning to watch my monthly dose of anime but decided to do it later (i.e. tomorrow). Also I finally updated the pedometer data. Currently I’m thinking of doing something interesting with my secret pages/Bruh, Ltd.


The day got fucked up right off the bat - I overslept. A lot. Waking up was unusually hard, so by the time I did wake up, the first class already started. I decided that the best decision would be to come to the second class. The classes themselves were unbearably boring. Like, possibly the most boring I’ve ever had. I couldn’t sit still and was checking time every 10 seconds. I think my clinic visits fucked up my bullshit classes tolerance. I didn’t feel such boredom in a while. Another thing they possibly fucked up is my motivation to do assignments. I’m so far behind everyone else, I don’t even know how I’m gonna recover. The weekend starts soon, so I guess I have a little bit of chance. Another thing to note here is that while I’m on classes, I want to get home, but there’s nothing to enjoy at home either, and it messes with my brain. The only thing I want to do is to sleep 24/7, which is the exact thing I can get by dying.


Finally, a day that isn’t interesting but not boring at the same time. The classes today were pretty fucked up, so thank you so much, my dear clinic, for letting me skip them. Now I only need to somehow force myself to do all of the skipped assignments. In any case, at the clinic itself I was allowed to skip the therapist because she was gonna be busy somewhere, but otherwise, it was as usual. After the clinic, I realized that I’d just spent 300 rubles on food, so decided to go home entirely on food as a punishment. And guess what, I actually did it. It only took 2 hours and 10 kilometers (18000 steps). I guess that compensates it enough. After coming home, I decided to finally watch my monthly dose of anime and movies, which I’m currently in the process of.


Literally nothing happened. I spent most of the day sleeping as my English class began only at 4 PM. On the class itself we were given a reading task but ended up talking about international etiquette differences. We discussed weird shit in Russia, Japan, the US, and most importantly, Germany. Our English teacher lived in Germany for quite a while, so she had quite some experience. She told us about many instances of embarassing herself and some wild things like stealing flowers and even commiting tax fraud. It was really interesting to hear. After the class, I had a walk back home and fuelled with an incredible amount of food.

Here are some nice videos I’ve seen today:


Nothing keeps happening. The only interesting thing for today was buying a big-ass shawarma, which was predicted by the dream. Other than the shawarma, I did eat a lot of other shit, and as you can expect, did no physical or mental work to compensate it. Additionaly, I feel drugged as hell and I also felt drugged yesterday before falling asleep, which means that lowering the dose of one drug was probably the wrong decision, and I should tell my doctor about that tomorrow.


Today was kinda weird. The clinic visit went as usual except I didn’t understand a single word my therapist was saying. She said something about trying to do things that are not only pleasant but also produce some result, I think? Again, I don’t know. I also showed her the rules I live by, and she said that they’re alright but don’t imply me putting real effort into it. Well, yeah. After the clinic, I went home on foot again but by a different route. It seemed like the distance was much shorter, but I actually walked 1000 steps more. Weird. While all of this was happening, I was contemplating the decision to write an alternative C standard library, and it seems like I’m giving up because I can’t wrap my head around implementing interfaces/multiple inheritance in C. I have no idea how Glib did it, but I certainly can’t do the same.


Today our social worker from the clinic invited me and other random people to go to the zoo. Considering going to college is the last thing I want to do, I accepted her offer. The zoo visit was pretty ordinary - not a single capybara in sight but a lot of birds and goats you can pet. I decided not to go home because it’s extremely hot outside and because I was recommended not to go home by the social worker because I was apparently “tired”, to which I somehow agreed. After getting back home, I spent the rest of the day GNOMEing myself.


Another day that is fine but not too interesting. The clinic visit went as usual, except this time I mentioned my idea to move out of my parents into a separate apartment we own, which was appreciated by my therapist. After the clinic, I went back home on foot, which I barely survived because it was unbearably hot. Overall, I walked over 26000 steps today. After coming back home, I continued GNOMEing myself while I really need to finally start doing assignments.


Today was the only day of this week I actually attended classes on, and I already managed to mess it up. Waking up was impossibly hard today, so I had to skip the first class. The first 2 classes were databases, and the next 2 were C# programming. Almost everyone decided to skip the last class, so I decided to do it as well. After the classes, I spent a shitton of money on food so I decided to go back home on foot to compensate it. I spent most of the way with my friend, with whom we were first trying to make a ranked list of how attractive to him our groupmates are but then gave up and started talking about whatever. This time I didn’t GNOME myself yet because I did it on the classes - a person with a similar issue pointed out that there is an existing extension that partially solves the problem, so my problem got much easier, and I only had to release a small subset of my extension. So the problem is sort of solved now.

I’ve recently been very self-concious about my weight. My tummy does look more promiment but I’m not sure how much. It’s messing with me.

Here’s some new stuff on this website:


Some interesting stuff happened in terms of my clinic visit. Today I was supposed to come at 10 AM, but the time was rescheduled for some reason to 9 AM. When I came there, it turned out they singed me up for so-called “art therapy” classes. Cool. The first class was alright - we were told to draw some geometric shit, and my drawing was pretty original compared to other ones. I can probably say I liked it. The psychologist was absent today and the therapist was busy doing stuff, so I visited neither of them. Once again, I came back home on foot, and now my feet really really hurt. I even think they were swollen when I came back home. I spent the rest of the day continuing to eliminate my todo list items in order to finally start doing the assignments.


Well, todo list item elimination continues. At the moment of writing, I have only 9 of them left. My mood has been pretty good recently, which is I guess because I actually have something to do and am making progress. Some other interesting things happened too. I posted my opinion on airplane food from one of my articles, and it did pretty well in terms of accumulating comments, and I’ve read almost all of them. Most of them were agreeing/disagreeing with me or telling that the food I eat is shit, which is completely true. There were also a couple of people who thought I’m trolling while I was completely genuine. You know, it’s impossible to please everyone on the Internet, so they’re free to think whatever they want. Also in one of my comments I mentioned that I eat microwave sandwiches, and it somehow made people really angry because alledgedly you can’t eat shit like this. This is a very interesting phenomena because everyone I know eats them and is completely alright with the taste. Maybe that’s because we live in a third world country.


The primary goal of today was to obtain a t-shirt with a Bruh, Ltd print. After waking up, I quickly prepared a PNG with a logo and a link to the website, and we went searching for a company that could print it. The first one we found didn’t print on black t-shirts, so we had to look for another one. The second one wasn’t even open despite being labeled as such on Google Maps. But to our luck, the third and the last one was both open and willing to print on a black t-shirt. It looked the best out of the 3 and was located in a good-looking area, and overall I got a good impression of them, so we might visit them in the future again. They told me that to print the bear on the logo, they’d have to use a separate piece of cloth, which would be sticked on the t-shirt, but I decided to go the easy way and I just told them to cut everything but the text from the image. It took only about 45 minutes and everything was already printed. Unfortunately, we bought a t-shirt separately before we started looking for printing companies, so we wasted some money, but we’ll know next time. According to them, the print can handle 50 washings, so considering I wash my clothes every 2 weeks, I can assume it’ll last at least 2 years. After getting the t-shirt, we planned to go to the zoo but decided not to because we already spent a lot of money. After coming home, I was going to try to transcribe my dialogues from English classes but gave up on 12 dialogues. Well, maybe I’ll be less lazy next time.


As I mentioned, I now have to attend the clinic only on Mondays and Fridays, and my schedule is a bit different now. Today I had to attend a bit earlier than specified in the schedule because I’d otherwise be late for electrotherapy. Other than the relaxation session, I once again had art therapy. This time the session began with them forcing me to sing songs for children in Russian while some rando was playing the accordion. It was cringy, but I managed to get through it. After that, we had to draw some shit with gouache, and it was unusual as usual. Now when I’m at home, I’m not sure what to do. I’ve done all of my college non-related stuff but I’m still too lazy to do the related stuff.