04 - April


Another productive day. Basically, the server of my project is ready. The only feature I that I planned left is attachments. Everything else just works™ and doesn’t seem to be too buggy. Also I finally switched all of my CSS shit to box-sizing: border-box; because why not.


Yup, one more productive day. I implemented attaching files for the chat. Now the whole thing is basically done because I did everything I planned. Some polishing is, of course, still required, but I guess it wouldn’t be too hard. What I’m currently afraid of is that now I won’t have anything to do again and will be even more bored that before. I guess it then will be the right time to start playing video games and watching anime.


The exact thing I was afraid of happened. The day was boring. I had absolutely nothing todo. Needless to say, I ate a lot of fast food again. Did it help? No. I haven’t started playing video games/watching anime yet because I’m too lazy to start, but I guess I will soon because there’s not much choice.

Oh great. After another update, my GRUB got fucked up and I wasn’t able to boot my sistem. This is extremely weird because I did the same update on my laptop and it didn’t break. I suspect my motherboard fucked up some EFI variable or something. In any case, all I had to do was sudo dnf reinstall grub2-efi-x64 shim-x64, and now everything works again. Also just before that, I found out about a bug in Mutter, which I, of course, reported. God, I report so many bugs, I might as well make a bug report journal.

Done, here’s the bug report journal.


It was a “meh” kind of day. Right after I woke up, my parents invited me to go shopping for building materials. I had absolutely nothing planned for the day, so I, of course, agreed. We ended up not bying a single building material and one laundry basket. Yeah, and also a shitton of food, which I ate. When I came home I was back into the state of boredom right until the moment I decided to do something about jamtext. I took me some time, but I finally fixed Unicode parsing there. I used a custom UTF-8 encoding function, which I stole from GitHub and, of course, credited. I planned to do the same thing for number parsing/printing too, but it turned out there are no good number printers that I can find. I decided to write one myself, and I think I was successful. I’ll just assume that it works perfectly until someone finds a bug.


We got the second dose of the COVID-19 vaccine. Just like I expected, something got fucked up again. The doctor that was filling my papers was barely alive and moved his fingers slower than sloth’s shit. He barely asked me any questions about my medical history, but luckily I don’t have anything harmful, and he did it so slow that my father that entered after I did got out faster. And if that wasn’t enough, he wrote the entry in my vaccination certificate in the wrong place and made a mistake in the date, and I had to go back so he corrected it. Sigh. I’m not even sure if the shit he wrote is valid and whether I’ll be allowed to go abroad with it. In any case, the best I can do now is hope.

The day was unexpectedly productive. A guy from discord suggested me to add link highlighting to my chat. It was a good idea, so I did it, but I didn’t stop there. I decided to also add deleting and editing messages. I had to rewrite the whole for it to work, but I did it. The app is now an order of magnitude more complex, but I believe it was worth it. Now when I’m at it, why don’t I implement more features like reactions from Discord? Well, we’ll see how long I’ll be able to keep it up.


Expectedly, I got sick. It wasn’t as bad as the last time but still annoying. In addition to that, I haven’t taken a shower in like a week, so I was really uncomfortable. I was trying my best to continue improving the chat. I made some architectural changes, and even attempted to add unlimited message history but failed. Well, I guess another time.


The day was disappointingly uneventful. We didn’t attend the previous 2 days but today started attending again. I didn’t do anything on the “classes.” One topic that I got to discuss with the groupmates is vaccination. They say they refuse to vaccinate because they think the government is lying to them. This is really bad news because if the government fucked up so badly that people don’t want to trust the science, we’re really in trouble. I’ll, of course, stay optimistic and hope that the vaccination campain goes well regardless and we as a species can properly recover. In any case, when I got home, still nothing happened. Even the English class got canceled. But at least I’m not bored yet.


I felt so meh I don’t even feel like writing this entry. To be fair, it wasn’t as bad as the last summer, but still. Just like expected, now I’m actually bored and extremely unwilling to do anything. I brought my laptop to the classes as usual but ended up not using it a single time. Apart from some actually fun conversations and games I’ve done with my friends, I spent the entire time scrolling through Reddit. In fact, I scrolled so far down that I was seeing posts with no upvotes. The thoughts that weren’t leaving my mind of my mind were about how pathetic I am. While I’m here at college managing to not get kicked out, everything’s probably gonna be fine, but what’s next? I’ve hit the roof in terms of education I can get because I’m absolutely terrible at getting through it, so chances are college education (which if you don’t know, is much different in Russia from what it is in the US and is valued much less) is what I’m gonna end up with for the rest of my life. Thus, it’s highly likely that I’m gonna be stuck in this shithole country that doesn’t care about me and doesn’t want me to be myself for the rest of my life, and I just can’t get over it. And if that wasn’t enough, as I mentioned countless times on this website, I’m really shitty at working, so I highly question my ability to get any job higher level than a McDonald’s cashier. So what’s the point of it all then? Why should I bother living this live if it’s gonna be nothing but suffering? This is the exact question I should ask to my psychologist, but I’m too lazy to even find time to schedule an appointment with them because I’m constantly forgetting about it. I mean come on, I’m too lazy to use escapism to my advantage by playing Minecraft or watching anime because I just can’t force myself to take my ass of the bed and do the simplest thing ever. God, I hate myself.


Sigh. So today the teacher was taking a final look at our works before they get presenting. My personal project worked just fine but the group one required some tweaking. More specifically, my friend forgot to put an error message in a place where it should be, leading me to beilieve that there’s a serious bug in the program. In the end, we’ve got eveything sorted and the teacher accepted it. We got our grades allegedly based on how good we performed our roles in the roles, and that was about it for the classes - we spent the rest of the time playing. Also he said that each one of us should make a report of both the personal and the portion they contributed for the group project by next Wednesday. And yeah, I forgot to mention, but the personal project and the thesis are treated as 2 different things despite not being them. That makes no sense, and we’ll have to just pretend, but I’m already used to things like this. The real question here is how the fuck was it even legal to assign us 2 works at once. I mean both of them would be really hard to do if we actually weren’t lazy and doing things, so I really don’t know. In any case, making a report doesn’t seem like a really big problem for me, and I’m also used to ignoring such logical problems, so I guess I shouldn’t worry too much. Well, I shouldn’t worry much about college, but I still do have the problem of boredom. So here’s a promise: right after writing this entry I’ll start playing a video game or watching anime.


Today I had the first class of preparation to the English exams. Somehow my English courses teacher wasn’t notified of it, so she lost me for some time. Unlike I expected, the classes took 160 minutes and not 80, but they weren’t actually boring. We talked about some quirks of the exam and practiced a bit on mock tasks. Overall, not bad. When I got home I continued my GNOME bug hunting. I provided some info on the DMA-BUF screensharing bug and now am looking for participating in its fix. I also recently had an idea to switch to X.org until Wayland is in a better shape but decided to play smart. I configured my Flatpak Qt apps and Firefox to properly work on both Wayland and X11 and also finally figured out how to do fractonal scaling on X.org. Now I can use both windowing systems and switcb between them whenever I want. Cool.


I spent most of the day being bored and scared of what’s gonna come tomorrow (more college suffering). But closer to the evening, I took a nice walk and played Minecraft with my friend. So overall, could be worse.


Nothing unexpected happened. Just like every other time, it was an excruciating day that only reminded me of why I hate this place. And guess what, I forgot to schedule an appointment with a psychologist again, which is the exact thing I need now. In any case, the classes were about as putrid as usual. First, we had English. The bitch didn’t teach us shit by using a prehistoric textbook and pretended that she’s a good teacher that does something. Like, you know, what she always does. Then, we had “life safety” or whatever the fuck it’s called in English. We wrote 2 practical works and were given 2 more to write at home. Of course I don’t want to do shit and it’s now only additional pain in the ass. After that, we had P.E. I didn’t even have my clothes with me, so I didn’t do shit the entire class.I was also forced to write a little test, to which I wrote everything by guessing. Who gives a shit. Last, we had 1C, on which I expected her to check my works I was supposed to do on the practice. Unfortunately, she gave us some technology quiz shit for grandmas, and we spent more than half of the class for it. Not only she didn’t check shit, but I also recieved a score of 7/10 of computer literacy, including 6/10 for cyber security. Are you fucking kidding me? I’m literally the most paranoid person in the group. Sigh. So in the end, now I’m left with 2 1C tasks to do until tomorrow, 1 bigass report to do until Wednesday, which I haven’t even started yet, and a terrible fucking mood. Perfect. That’s exactly what I expected from the first day of studying. Fuck you, life, and your terrible jokes.


Yesterday I got an idea to implement scrolling speed setting in Mutter by myself, and it made me constantly think about it for the rest of this day. Right when I came to college, I got the news that we don’t only need a report but also a presentation, but it later also turned out that the presentation has been postponed, so the things now are not that bad. On the 1C classes I got time to only present her 7 for 10 of my works, and it was quite far from perfect because I didn’t know shit about what I was talking about. After 1C we had databases, I was watching funny prank videos instead of actually doing anything, and in the end the teacher just told me to go home and not waste her time. Cool.

Okay so I took a deeper look into Mutter’s code base, and oh boy, it’s complicated. It seems like I’ll only be able to implement scrolling speed for touchpads and not mouses, but I guess that’s enough.

Okay, I give up. I implemented the setting itself but not a way to set it yet. I guess I’ll continue tomorrow.

My laptop’s up arrow button started getting suck, and I thought my monitor/GPU started dying because there was a random red line that somehow vanished. Cool. That’s the exact kind of thing I expected from my life.


Well, today I continued what I started yesterday and sort of succeded. I managed to make the setting work and even submitted a merge request. But to be fair, it sucks fucking balls, and there’s no way it can get accepted. I also tried to make the setting work with mice but failed because couldn’t figure out Glib bullshit. That certainly makes me feel like a failure as a programmer and an imposter (sus 😳). In any case, the classes were pretty good today. I managed to do everything I just described on the first class of programming and spent the other 2 classes of 1C doing nothing. She was supposed to check the rest of my works but somehow didn’t find time. Well, who gives a shit.


So a few days ago saint-images updated his website, which I’m a big fan of, and mentioned that he’d finished his website redesign and the only step that was left was mobile support. I decided to do the same thing as I did for jackomix - write a little CSS snippet that’d fix everything. Unfortutanely, it turned out that I couldn’t do in this case because he did everything using tables and iframes, and it’d be a good idea just to rewrite everything. While I could theoretically do it, I decided to just forget about it. Yesterday while wandering around Neocities, I stumbled upon his website and decided to do the first thing that was on my mind - politely comment that his markup fucking sucks, which is a pretty common thing for indie websites, and that while I’m not much better in this regard, I’m free to offer him help. As one comment nearly instantly pointed out, I was being a toxic asshole, which is perfectly understandable considering I’m a fucking sociopath, but it made me feel incredible shame. saint-images himself reacted normally to my comment, but I still felt guilt for just throwing shit at a person without actually helping him. I still was interested in the layout of his website, so I decided to recreate it using proper mobile-friendly, at least to the extent I’m capable of, HTML and CSS. I think it turned out pretty good, and he even thanked me for doing it, but I still feel bad for insulting him. I mean it’s just a comment I made on the Internet, so I shouldn’t give a shit, but my complete lack of any kind of life, both online and IRL, doesn’t let this issue slip off so easily. Today I checked Neocities again, and it seems like someone unsubscribed from me. I mean it’s not the first time it happens, and it’s most likely not related to the incident, but for fuck’s sake. My paranoia now won’t let me go for days. You know, I’m very self-concious about my follower count. I never get many followers on any service, which is perfectly reasonable because I’m an uninteresting person and 90% of the time I talk about my problems no one else needs, and whenever someone unsubscribes, I just die inside. Why do I even care about it? It’s just a number on the screen. It’s not like I had any relationship with them, they’re just random people that may or may not like my website. I myself like or not like websites of other people, and there’s nothing wrong with it, so why it be wrong in the opposite direction. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH. What is fucking wrong with me.

Today we had 6 classes. Well, we were supposed to, but the last 2 classes were databases, so I decided that the most rational decision would be to skip them since I’d likely get kicked out like the last time. Those 4 classes that I did have completely wasted me. It’s not like I really studied, but thinking about my recent fuckup completely exhausted me. I feel terrible. Only negative thoughts are coming into my head. I wish I could just die.

I seriously want to fucking kill myself. I see no point in continuing existing - a McDonald’s cashier is my career limit. In short term, I don’t know what to do either because I just want this day to finally end, but I know that tomorrow is not gonna be better. And did I mention, we’re studying on this Saturday. Fucking incredible. That’s some perfect timing right here.


Well, there’s not much I can say that I didn’t say yesterday. I’m absolutely devastated. If there was a gun near me, I’d absolutely shoot myself. The best I can do now is to wait until I can get a psychologist appointment.


Today we had another English exam preparation class, and it allowed me to skip college. The college classes were awful, and it’s good that I skipped them because I’d fucking implode because of sadness if even a little thing went wrong. On the classes we discussed the listening and writing parts of the exam. It seems like they’re really not that hard, but I’m still bad at them because I’m inattentive and make really stupid mistakes. On next Saturday we have a mock exam, so we’ll see how exactly stupid I really am. Other than the classes, I felt better today. The will to kill myself didn’t go away, but my mood wasn’t as bad as yersterday at least. I still couldn’t force myself to do anything though, so I guess I can try again tomorrow.


I felt about as good as yesterday (i.e. almost no suicidal thoughts), but the day was extremely fucking boring. I went shopping with my dad, and it was about the only interesting thing for the day. I also helped my friend with his website, which motivated me to help myself with my own website too. Long story short, I refactored some stuff, which I should’ve done a long time ago. I couldn’t force myself to do anything college-related though.


The day started pretty shitty. I was about as sad as usual, and it continued for quite some time. The first 2 classes were awfully boring, so the only choice my friend and I had is to start developing the game I saw in my dream, PToilet. Well, it only took us like 2 ours, and here it is. To be fair, it sucks, and it’d be great to rewrite it in JavaScript, but it’s better than nothing. On the last class, someone mentioned my LGBT people list, so we had quite a conversation about it. We identified one more LGBT person, found out that one cute boy is a transphobic troll, and laughed at how some of us are gay despite not looking like it. Also I got an interesting idea to write an app that identified your gender and sexuality based on your input, sort of like 8values. I’ll start coding it when I have time.


Yesterday we were told that we wouldn’t have the first class today due to the teacher doing some important business. Guess what, they were wrong - the teacher, who at the same time also governs some pretty important stuff in our college, managed to find time just for our class. As you can expect, no one told us about it, and we just didn’t attend. Right in your face, motherfucker. I guess she was furious, but I couldn’t care less because she’s a major asshole just like the P.E. teacher and the English teacher, the last of whom also does some important shit and additionally tortures me with “special treatment.” In any case, there’s not much I could do personally because when I heard the news, 20 minutes of the class already passed while I was on the shitter in the process of slowly laying turds. When dressing up to get out, I remembered that someone actually code reviewed my number printer thingy on Stack Exchange, so I just had to read it. From the first couple of lines, it was obvious that I severely fucked up and they were reasonably covering me in shit. I was anxious to read it, so it took me some time, but in the end, it wasn’t actually so bad because I just fucked up in a few corner cases, which mostly don’t affect my little library. Considering it was my first attempt and I’m jack shit of a real programmer that doesn’t know what she’s doing, I’d call that success. I’ll, of course, try to fix those issues in any case because I won’t be able to let it go until it’s as perfect as I can manage. So yeah, after getting to college we had a P.E. lesson, on which we were tortured with useless trivia quizzes. It was pretty bad but not as bad as actually doing any physical exercises. The next lesson was going to be English, so my friend and I had to quickly do the homework so our asses don’t get kicked. We tried to do it remotely but failed because it was really awkward. After English, we were supposed to have databases, but I guess the teacher just gave up and allowed us to leave. Good. Right now my mood is not so bad, and I feel like watching my monthly dose of anime. We don’t know when we’re supposed to present that shit that we were doing on the practice, so I guess I still have time to write a report.

Well, I spent the rest of the day playing Minecraft. Good enough, I guess.