03 - March


2021-03-01

The psychologist session didn’t go… at all. We spent about half an hour talking about what we’re supposed to talk about and made jack shit out of it. She accuses me of “having nothing to talk about,” but how the fuck am I supposed to know what to talk about? You’re the specialist here and not me, bitch. I was desperately trying to ask what I’m supposed to do now, but she just told me to “come back when I have something to talk about.” Are you fucking kidding me? How the hell do you expect to find something you need to me say? In the end, we just agreed that she isn’t compatible with me as a specialist and that I need to look for another psychologist. Fucking incredible. I just wasted a fucking month of my life just to end up with a shithead not understanding me. I won’t be surprised if a different therapist will give me another 600 question test and do nothing to actually help me. God, I fucking hate this country. Why can’t they just be straightforward and do what they’re supposed to?

The classes were about as crappy as usual. For the first time since forever I got a bad grade on English because I didn’t learn anything. The teacher was trying to mock me for that, but good luck I stopped giving a shit about my grades a long time ago. What however I didn’t stop giving a shit is the psychiatrist fiasco that happened today. In other words, my day was fucking ruined. I tried to fix it by overeating but did it too much - I ended up eating 3 hamburgers and 1 sandwich. My stomach is dying now.

2021-03-02

Yesterday had a pretty rough end. I was completely demoralized by how terrible the day was, so the only thing I was thinking about while in bed was how I’m never gonna be myself because none of those psychologists could possibly be competent. While I was doing that, I forgot to take the drugs, so I ended up barely sleeping again. I woke up feeling like a corpse that really wants to sleep but just can’t. The fact that we’d have 2 of horrible 1C classes and I wouldn’t be able to send my P.E. shit because the classes were going to start too late didn’t do me a favor. But to my surprise, the rest of the day was not that bad. I adapted to being sleepy and now even kinda enjoy it. It turned out that we were not having 1C classes but databases instead. This saved me quite some headache because I could allow myself not to do shit for the whole time. Specifically, I made a website for my another groupmate. It sucks, but it’s not my fault because I was just following his instructions. After the classes, we had a usual KFC visit, where I ate (this time, only) one burger.

2021-03-03

I finished watching One Punch Man yesterday, so the whole day I couldn’t get rid of the thoughts about it. Also I felt kinda week, which is probably because I was too excited yesterday. Today we had 5 classes, 1 of which was 1C and 4 of which was application programming. Who the fuck even makes up schedules like that? Is it even legal? In any case, I tried to hand my P.E. shit to the teacher, but it turned out I had to actually prepare for it, so now I’ll have to make up some questions to answer. Well, she already waited for 2 months, so she can wait another 2.

I added comments to some blogs entries. Well, kinda - they’re just links to Hacker News, Reddit, or wherever I published the shit. Now everything will hopefully be more engaging.

2021-03-04

The appointment went about as well as I expected. First, we talked about the side effects of the drugs, but I couldn’t explain it well enough, so the next time I’ll have to come with my mom. I mean it’s her who has complains about my grugged behavior, not me. Then I told her about the psychologist fiasco, and she gave me a token for another one. She told me to come to a specific psychologist, which is, as she says, the most skilled because she’s the main one. While I was waiting for her to finish lunch, I was told that my old psychologist already made some summary about me and that I should hand it over to the doctor that was replacing mine the previous time or something. In the end, it turned out to be just a mistake, and I didn’t have to do anything. When she finished lunch, we scheduled an appointment on March 18th. By her looks and the fact that she already managed to be rude in those 30 seconds that I’ve seen her, I don’t expect much from her. She’s reportedly more skilled, so I hope that our conversation will go a little bit further than with that one. In any case, I’m ready to accept that I’m losing month of my life again. Even if I don’t manage to get an HRT prescription from them, I always have an option to take the drugs ilegally. So, yeah, I’m currently not worrying too much about it.

I had an opportunity to skip all of the classes but decided not. There were 2 classes of damned 1C, the second of which I had time to attend. To my luck, we didn’t have to do anything practical. Nothing out of ordinary happened after the classes. I didn’t plan to do anything today and didn’t do anything in the end. Do I feel bad about it? Maybe.

2021-03-05

My birthday is tomorrow, but we decided to celebrate it today because it was much easier to meet each other. I invited 4 of my friends and my sister. The latter had problems with getting to the place, so I sort of regret inviting her. But on the bright side, we had a nice long walk because of that, so why not. The 6 of us went to KFC, where we spent about 2000 rubles in total. Not that much really, and we were all quite satisfied with it. After that my sister and I went to the cinema. Our father agreed to take us back home, but we forgot to tell him that we went to a different mall, so there were some problems with that. Oh well.

My todo list is not getting much smaller. Recently I finally fixed that one bug with libinput-config, but other than that I still have a lot of things to do. Most of them are college stuff, which I’m really lazy to do. It’s not like I have a choice not to do anything, so I guess everything will be done sometime.

In the morning I had a standard kind of negative thought I usually have. I’m already 19 and I haven’t even started hormones yet + the rest of my life is probably going to suck because I can’t even take a Russian college. But, you know, fuck those thoughts. It’s my damn birthday now, so I’m free to enjoy blissful ignorance while I can.

2021-03-06

Not much happened compared to yesterday. In the morning I had a usual English class, and it was better than usual. We had quite some talk, the tasks were actually interesting to do, and overall we had a lot of fun. When I got back home, some relatives came to us to celebrate my birthday. I didn’t stay there for to long though because my sister and I went to the cinema shortly after. Just like yesterday, we spent a shitton of money, but this time the movie was shittier and we could barely get our seats. But in the end, we still enjoyed it, so whatever.

2021-03-07

Even fewer things happened than yesterday. I spent half of the day sleeping or trying to fall back asleep. When I finally woke up my sister invited me to go shopping. I wanted to decline at first but agreed in the end because I had nothing to do today in any case. We bought some clothes for her and ate some KFC shit as usual. I also wanted to buy some girl clothes for me but she didn’t want to do that and I didn’t feel great because of not taking a shower for several days, so we decided to also go shopping tomorrow.

I just couldn’t resist and bought another domain - bruh.ltd. Paying for 3 domains is a little too much, so I decided to disable auto renewal on transbian.club, thus losing only 3 bucks overall. I already have an idea what to put there - a fake corporate website that’s comically unusable. I also wanted to make the root and the www versions of the website separate, but that turned out to be impossible with Neocities even using advanced hackery.

2021-03-08

It was the 4th day in a row of my birthday celebration. As promised, we did go shopping and ended up eating just as much food as yesterday. I bought myself new leggings and a nice hoodie, but I couldn’t find any skirts that go spinny and any sports bras that can fit my shoulders. Probably I’ll have to order them online. When I came back home I realized that I’m a fucking idiot and I put a CNAME on the root of my domain name, and that’s why it wasn’t working. I’m so angry at myself for not noticing it and just wasting time. After that, my friend and I decided to play Minecraft, but he couldn’t install the server nor he could connect to mine. Sad.

2021-03-09

The holidays are over, thus the nightmare is continued. The classes weren’t too unusual, but I still felt like shit. I was trying to force myself to work on the newly created website, on which I’m now also planning to put my secret pages, but failed. On the last class I was reminded that I still haven’t done the P.E. shit, and now I’ll have to attend the teacher tomorrow. I greatly question if I can actually do everything they need from me until tomorrow. So, yeah, my motivation is still as low as it can get, and P.E. is by far not the only thing I should worry about. Another problem I’ve recently been thinking about is my transition. I’m seeing countless cases of people being rejected HRT because of their sexuality or lack of stereotipical stuff, and considering how far behind this country is in terms of LGBT issues, I’m getting only more and more sure that I’ll have to do DIY.

Great, now I also feel drugged. Thanks, life, that’s exactly what I needed.

2021-03-10

Sigh. Yesterday I actually manged to finish P.E., so today I printed it and was actively preparing to present the shit to her. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t find a right moment to find her, so I once again didn’t hand her anything. When I arrived at the negotiated time she wasn’t there, 15 minutes later she still wasn’t there, and on the next break she already left. Like, what the fuck is even this luck? So the only choice I have now is to try to haunt her everyday until I finally catch her. Let’s hope it happens tomorrow.

The first class we had was programming. Once again, I wasn’t doing anything I supposed to do and was desperately trying to make something out of bruh.ltd. I didn’t feel creative, so the resulting mess I have now is really terrible even compared to the bare minimum I expected. I think it’d be a reasonable idea to just give up and use a Bootstrap template. The next 2 classes were 1C. First we had a little test, and like every other test we recently had, we just copied the answers. I made some mistakes on purpose so my ass doesn’t get kicked. After that, we were supposed to do practical works, but I couldn’t give a single shit about it because there was something much more fun - gamedev. My friend was trying to make a stock market simulator on Construct, so I decided why not to join him. I proposed him some really stupid design ideas + he can barely program, so the result is notoriously broken. I mean, like, Big Rigs level of broken. This was the only thing preventing my mood from hitting the rock bottom.

I can’t just accept the fact that my life sucks. The fact that I’m living this for nothing because I’ll never be able to experience true happiness while being stuck in this country messes with me. The thing is only made worse by my parents telling me to “fInD A pArTnEr.” What kind of solution to my problems is that? I mean, yeah, it’d be really cool if I had one, but come on, I’m the least dateable person out there. There’s not a single reason for anyone to date me. To demonstrate that, I think I’ll make up a dating profile or something and put it in my resume section in /about/.

Am I repeating myself? Probably. In any case, I need somewhere to vent.

2021-03-11

The shitshow continues. After 2 attemps, I’ve finally manged to hunt her, but my grave mistake was not preparing to this meeting. While talking about our previous meeting, I mentioned another teacher as “she,” and it made her go nuts. “You’re not referring to your friend, bitch. Until you learn her fucking name, get the hell out” she said, and I can’t even express how ridiculous it is. Why can’t I refer to her as “her?” Is she not a human being or something? Why does it even fucking matter to our conversation? Why do you want to me torture so much to make me run to you a billion times? When I went back to the classroom, I experienced indescribable levels of pain and rage. I wanted to suffocate her with my bare hands, tear apart her corpse, and defecate on it. After I calmed down, I asked her name from a groupmate and spent the rest of the class desperately trying to learn her name. On the next break I came to her, and things were going fine right until I started presenting the work itself. She started asking me questions unrelated to the ones I was actually preparing for, so I obviously failed. So now I’ll have another attempt after the classes. Fucking incredible. Brilliant. God, I hate this place so much. Every single motherfucking thing wants nothing but suffering from me. I can barely take it anyone. Please, someone, just end my misery.

So I made some more progress on Bruh, Ltd. The index page finally looks like shit, and due to large image sizes and purposefully inserted random scripts, barely loads. I also created the about page, on which I described the point of the project. Now the only step left is to transfer my secret pages there, but I’m not sure how to do it properly. To be precise, a lot of them use copyrighted material, and I’m not sure how to credit the original authors on every page in an optimal way.

2021-03-12

The P.E. shit went surprisingly well. Considering her previous reaction, I was actually trying to research the topic so I’m prepared to any kind of questionnare. Luckily, there wasn’t even one. She asked me a couple of questions and gave me a 3 in the end. Good. Now I’m finally free. The only step left is to not forget to hand over the piece of paper that she gave me today to the respective person on Monday.

https://web.bruh.ltd/ is done. Enjoy.

2021-03-13

Yeah, the day kinda sucked. The usual English class was pretty epic, but the rest of the day not so much. I became disenchanted with what I made Bruh, Ltd look like, but I’m not exactly sure what I can do about it. Other than that, I didn’t plan to do anything today. I couldn’t even managed to make myself waste time properly by watching anime or shit and resorted to eating food. In this aspect, even my dad does a much better job. He’s seen almost all low-quality Russian TV series, so how come I haven’t seen all 80s mecha anime?

2021-03-14

Right after writing yesterday’s entry I started watching anime and managed to handle 12 episodes in one sitting. Despite this season being a significant downgrade over the previous one, it still made me entertained and also got me interested in the manga it’d based on. Today, however, literally nothing happened. I wanted to force myself to watch the entirity of Kiss X Sis but decided to spare my brain from too much degeneracy at once. I’m not too sad now, but still doing nothing kinda makes me feel bad.

2021-03-15

This country has a free COVID-19 vaccination program, so our family decided to give it a try. My mom got vaccinated several days ago, and my dad, me, and both grandmas were today. My sister isn’t over 18 yet, so she couldn’t do it. Apparently the whole thing is done is 2 stages, and today was the first one, so we’ll have to come back 3 weeks later.

As my friend told me, the vaccine apparently has questionable reputation for being approved in Russia too early. However it’s currently in the late stages of being tested, and so far it appears to be effective and not having any serious side-effects. Probably I won’t die, but even if it turns out that the vaccine is not perfect, I’d still be okay with that since I’m a cutting edge person, and beta testing a vaccine sounds like the right job for me.

The classes were about as boring as usual. We had some English homework, which I managed to quickly do before the classes, but no one even checked it. On some class I remembered that now when I have things to do again, I need a todo list, so I made one.

2021-03-16

Holy shit. The side-effects I was warned about finally kicked in. Yesterday I was sort of alright until I got home and started preparing to sleep. I started feeling the exact feeling I have when I’m sick but without the actual effects of the illness like high temperature. I did sleep for, maybe, 2 hours and then everything went ape shit. I just couldn’t fall asleep again and felt terribly sick. When I tried to get up, I was pretty weak and had troubles moving around. Right now it’s, like, 6 AM, and I have no chances of falling asleep unless I take a sleeping pill. My body temperature is 38.5, but my mom gave some paracetamol. I also probably have diarrhea, but I haven’t tried shitting yet. My mom says everything is going exactly like it’s supposed to, so I’m not worrying too much.

So it turned out I didn’t have diarrhea (thank God), and I overall feel better now. I decided that don’t feel so well to actually attend classes, so here’s a nice weekend for me. Despite not going anywhere, I still tried to do the homework but failed. It’d be much better if I could just copy it, but I guess it’s too late. As I already mentioned, I still don’t have anything planned to do everyday, so what was I doing? Of course! Eating. I’m so ashamed of myself. I turned from a barely eating retard into a greedy machine fueled by KFC cheeseburgers. Which reminds me, I should probably make a food journal.

My life is so empty. I feel like I’m going fucking insane.

2021-03-17

I feel much better now but not as good as to attend P.E. skiing classes, 2 of which we had today. While the classes weren’t anything special, I still feel bad for accumulating so many undone 1C assignments. I’m not sure how I’m gonna do all of them, so I’ll probably end up in the situation similar to the one with math I had the last semester or the one with P.E. I had this semester. The things outside college are not much better. While bringing back my todo list helped me with categorizing my thoughts, I still ain’t doing shit despite being constantly bored.

One of my friends got interested in my secret writing project. Only if I wasn’t so lazy and could get back to writing.

2021-03-18

The appointment to the new psychologist went pretty much like the previous one, but this time I’m not disappointed. First, she asked my general info and how long I’ve been visiting their clinic. Second, she asked what my problem is, and at some point, even asked my pronouns. She was extremely polite to me, especially compared to the previous one. After a little bit of discussion, she came to the conclusion that I have no problem that can specifically be fixed by a psychologist and that I should seek an endocrinologist instead, which would direct me to all other doctors needed. Wow, it’s really that simple. Why the hell wasn’t I told that a month ago? Why did my therapist even send me to a psychologist? In any case, now I finally know what to do. Considering there’s a greater variety of endocrinologists in this city, I’m now also more hopeful that everything will go fine and I won’t have to do it illegally.

I don’t feel so good. Since waking up, I’ve been incredibly anxious about being so unproductive + was doubting myself as usual. My mom told me there are no tolerant doctors in this city, so I’m now also worrying about whether we’ll find a doctor because I found jack shit after countless Google searches. I really need to calm myself down.

2021-03-19

When I fell alseep yesterday, I was incredibly exhausted, but the things today weren’t much better. I didn’t worry as much, but my mood still wasn’t the best. Additionally, I started feeling drugged again after coming home. Lowering the drug dosage didn’t do shit, and I really need to change it. As my mom says, it makes me behave inappropriately, and I started noticing this effects myself. My productivity isn’t having the best time right now either. My groupmates already started developing their thesis projects while I’m not even sure yet if I can do the thing I promised. The situation with 1C is only getting worse - I already have 12 works undone, and the teacher demands me to do all of them in 2 weeks. That’s not a ridiculous timespan, but I highly doubt I can do it, considering how lazy I am. My friends are famous for doing things at the last moments while I’m famous for giving up before even starting. I seriously need help.

2021-03-20

Oh. Shit. I forgot to write a diary entry. This didn’t happen to me for like a year, and I hope it won’t repeat soon. In any case, not much happened this day. We had an English class, and once again, it was pretty good. I had some things planned for the day but ended up not doing anything again. Some weird shit was happening to Flatpak (half of the packages were failing to install), but the problem vanished after I reset my router. But before I did that, I already submitted a bug report. That’s pathetic because it was the second time in a row I submitted a bug report and closed it before anyone read it.

2021-03-21

The day was boring. Not as bad as the last summer but still boring. I made a new Bruh, Ltd page and added some forgotten updates to this website, but other than that I was doing nothing. I resorted to eating once again, and it sort of helped with improving my mood. I was also going to go to the cinema, but I thought about it too late, so I’ll probably do it tomorrow. We’re not studying the next 2 days for some reason, so I should probably consider myself lucky.

2021-03-22

The things do certainly remind me the last summer. Just like yesterday, I spent the day constantly feeling like I forgot to do something while I didn’t even plan anything. The things are not going to get better because on Wednesday we start doing some practical shit again, so I’m once again will be both dying of boredom and be tormented by the things I need to do but can’t force myself to. Sigh. If you think I at least keep myself entertained, you’re wrong since I decided not to go to the cinema while smelling like a dead skunk, and it took me quite some time to take a shower, so chances are I won’t see a movie today. I, of course, have an option to watch a movie at home, but I can’t even force myself to do that. I mean you have to actually put some effort into choosing a movie and finding it on torrent trackers. Other than movies, I don’t see many options to entertain myself. I don’t want to read anything, I’ve already watched everything possible on YouTube, and I’m out of imagination and will to do anything for Bruh, Ltd. So the only thing I can do now is suffer.

2021-03-23

Today’s my dad’s birthday. He’s a pretty shitty person but still my father. Happy birthday, I guess. In the morning I had to visit my English courses school to sign a contract for a Cambridge FIRST exam. Today was the last day possible to do it, and I skipped the demo exam, so you can guess how well I’m prepared for it. Most of the day was pretty boring as usual. I couldn’t stop thinking about my future as an unemployable and undateable person. To feel a little bit better, I decided to finally go to the cinema, and it sort of helped because the movie was great. Unfortunately, I got a terrible headache after getting home, so everything’s not as good as it could be.

I finally managed to install OBS. The stable Flatpak version indeed doesn’t work and the beta version didn’t work to me for some reason. It turns out it was because I made a shitty workaround for the old version and forgot about it, and it was preventing the new version from showing me the options. In any case, I can finally stream now.

2021-03-24

The things are getting ridiculous. Here are the things I currently need to do:

And if that wasn’t enough, I need to do them at the same time. There’s no way I can manage to pull everything off, so I’ll obviously have to ignore some stuff. Or probably just go back into depression because my motivation is very close to hitting the rock bottom.

In any case, the “classes” started at 8 AM, and there were 3 of them. We were discussing things related to the group task we were assigned. I mean other people were discussing while I was doing nothing as usual. Anyhow, their discussion didn’t help for shit because we still have no idea what to do. After the classes, I went to KFC as usual, where I ate 2 large burgers for the price of 1. My friend says I’m getting noticably fatter, but there’s not much I can do about it because food is my only escape from completely giving up on everything.

2021-03-25

We had another 3 classes today, and they flew by much faster. Thank God. We were still discussing our group project, and didn’t move much further. I have absolutely no hope that we’ll make something sensible. My friends forced me to start doing 1C tasks, for which I’m very grateful. I already have 4 out of 12 of them done.

Sigh. Another Reddit controversy. They hired a fucking pedophile sympathizer because of bad management, and everyone went apeshit about it. Unfortunately, she also happened to be trans, and now everyone’s blaming this fact for it and disrespecting other trans people for it. It’s awful. Why do I even hurt myself by looking into these kind of things? I seriously need to stop doing it.

GNOME 40 got released today at the same time as Fedora 34 Beta. I upgraded and everything, including GNOME and Pipewire, works flawlessly. Good.

2021-03-26

I made quite some progress. With the help of my dear friends, which for an unknown reason didn’t even attend today, I did 10 out of 12 works. If things continue at this rate, I may finish everything I need to do even if it’s gonna look like crap. But despite being hopeful, I still kinda feel like shit. Transphobic thoughts are still in my head, I’m still bored as fuck, and I still can’t get over the fact that killing myself is the most rational choice. I hope it just gets better soon.

2021-03-27

The day was fucking boring. That’s it. It’s almost like the summer came several months early.

It turns out someone reposted my ISO 8601 article on another subreddit and got a shitton of upvotes. Cool, I guess? I’ll now need to mention them in the article.

Ouch, people in the comments said some really mean things about me. They covered a much wider range than the Hacker News - claims I forgot something (when I actually didn’t), not noticing the simplification in the article and saying that I don’t know shit, and even a claim that I might’ve stolen the article. Oof. I knew Reddit was toxic, but this is just eye-opening. And, of course, how could I forgot about “the design of your website sucks”. I can’t help but laugh from that. I’m so fucking glad that I did so well in terms of making it look like a legit 90s site, that people actually unironically hate me for it. I’m so flattered.

2021-03-28

I’m getting only more and more miserable. Recently I got an idea to make a custom music player on my website to replace the default one. To do that, I needed to look at how it looked in Internet Explorer 4, and oh boy, it took me quite some time to do that. First, I had to somehow launch Internet Explorer on Linux, but obviously that wouldn’t be authentic enough, so I gave up and went to my parents to launch it on Windows. Then it turned out the UI of the music player depends not on the browser version but on the operating system, specifically on Windows Media Player. I couldn’t find a usable online Windows 98, so I decided to install it on a VM, but for some reason, it took me a lot of time. In the end, I did it, but the UI I got is too complicated for me, so I’ll have to design something myself. Oh well. While I was installing the OS on the VM, I discovered a nasty bug in GNOME Boxes, which made using non-SPICE clients pretty painful. As a good citizen, I reported it, but I’m now additionally sad because, guess what, the bug only occurs on Wayland and not X11 even over XWayland. I decided to look into the code of GNOME Boxes, which led to me discovering in detail how grabs work on Wayland, and how for some fucking reason GTK 4 removed them. Great, now I’m even more disappointed about Wayland. I mean there’s not much I can do here because it’s not even my bug and it’s not directly a flaw of Wayland, but still. Things like this make me wish I never discovered Linux and stayed on Windows forever. Unfortunately, I can’t just switch back because Linux still provides more cool stuff for me and I’m now very used to it. Another option I contemplated is switching back to X11, but nah. While it will fix some problems, I’ll lose fractional scaling and some perfomance. Also getting over my attitude of trying to be a cutting edge person is really difficult, and I don’t feel like even trying. Fuck me.

2021-03-29

I misremembered when the classes start, so I thought I was going to be late when I actually wasn’t. To my unluck, I suddenly got diarrhea, so I was late in the end. Yesterday I actually did the music player redesign, and today I decided to improve the style code quality by splitting 1997 into 2 styles - one abstract and one cursed. I did it all on a college Windows machine, and it took a surprisingly small amount of time. Everyone left the classes early but my friend, me, and a girl stayed and were talking with the teacher about stuff. Overall, a pretty cool day.

2021-03-30

A regular summer day, except there’s snow outside. I did so much in the last 2 days for my day for my website, but unfortunately, I couldn’t continue the streak because of no ideas. In any case, I resorted to eating a shitton of food as usual. I think it’d be a good idea to talk about this to a psychologist.

I finally started doing the thesis project. So far I implemented the frontend design, but considering how fast I did it, the rest shouldn’t be too hard, right?

2021-03-31

Today’s been quite a productive day. Instead of sleeping, I was making my contribution into the group project. It turned out I fucked up and had to partially rewrite it but still. On the classes I was implementing the frontend for my personal project. I did it completely blindly using only WebSocket netcat, but it seems like it’s good enough. I expect to start implementing the backend soon. The English classes are also going well - somehow our group turned out to be the best one in the whole organization, and now we’ll be rewarded with cinema tickets. Also I finally bought some anime stickers for my laptop. They were hella expensive, but who cares.