02 - February


2021-02-01

I was completely unprepared for the classes and expected the whole thing to be a disaster, but it luckily wasn’t one. Thank God.

I’ve been recently thinking about coming out to my class. I know that doing things regarding my gender identity is technically taking care of myself, but I still feel like I’d feel bad for doing it because there are more important issues in my life that also need to be taken care of. In any case, I’ll try. By the way, it’s been more than a month since I last tried to contact my doctor. She’s most likely back, so I’ll try to schedule an appointment tomorrow, and hopefully everything will go fine.

In any case, I need to come out on this website first. Here’s the blogpost.

2021-02-02

A very unexpected thing happened today. It all began when I came up to, let’s say, a person I live with to notify him that my phone’s battery is getting bloated again and I really need a new phone. What followed is amounts of screaming you can’t even imagine. First he told me to earn the money for the phone myself, which I denied because I have no job and no possibility to get one in near future. His reply was to sell my phone, but I denied this too because the only way this phone can be bought is if the buyer doesn’t know about the problem, and I couldn’t allow this because because this is against the principles I live by. He refused to acknowledge that, insisted on selling the phone in any case, and called my principles fake. After I once again told him that he’s not in the right here he went on a rant about how I’m leeching off him and that he’d gladly kick me the fuck out of the house despite knowing that I won’t be able to survive alone as I have no income and a lot of mental issues. My obvious reply was that I’d kill myself in that case because that would be my only thing to do, to which he replied with something along the lines of “Haha, yeah alright, sure you can, you pussy ;)” At this point the “discussion” became to heated and I even started crying. A little bit later I came up to him and politely offered him to go to the doctor because him screaming at me is a real problem that needs to be solved on his side. To this offer had a lot of excuses; according to him: I was the one causing this problem, so he won’t bother fixing it on his side; it wasn’t as serious to be actually solved by a doctor; he already went to a doctor a billion years ago and it didn’t help, so it wouldn’t help this time too; he just couldn’t go to the doctor because this would make him unable to work; and that apparently abuse like this happens in other families too, so I just deal with it. At some point he agreed to go to the doctor, but then something snapped and he offered to kill himself instead. After a little while he started threatening me more obviously by grabbing that one big-ass knife I cut myself with, putting it near his neck, and telling me that he’s gonna cut if I don’t convince him otherwise. What followed is the most intense mental breakdown I’ve ever had. After several minutes of intense screaming, he finally put down the knife and promised not to kill himself. The whole action was observed by 2 other people I live with, and they had to go outside and chill for a while to get out of the shock. Currently he still refuses to go to the doctor because apparently he’ll lose his driver license if he goes to a hospital, but I’m not so convinced. I hope it won’t escalate from here.

A therapist appointment was scheduled on February 4th. I’m kinda anxious because of the doubt and things like this.

2021-02-03

On this first two classes we had a new teacher introducing himself. He asked each one of us to introduce ourselves too, and even though the whole process was taking a lot of time as the guy really likes to talk about stuff, he had enough time to hear my introduction. I did of course brag about my shit 😎. I’m satisfied. On the next 2 classes we had the subject to which I was still unprepared, but everything luckily went fine. We’re having the same subject tomorrow, so the things still have time to go wrong.

I’m so scared of going to the therapist. I can’t stop thinking about the ways it can go wrong, and there’s a lot of them. But I can’t just give up because this is the only way I have.

2021-02-04

The therapist session went surprisingly fine. The doctor that is actually mine was still absent, so I decided to talk to the replacement one in any case. First we discussed the drugs I take. I told her that we lowered the dose of the drug that makes me feel drugged, and she told me to keep taking the lowered dose. Then we discussed the gender issues, which I introduced by saying “I have some gender identity issues” and “I’m experiencing a discomfort with the sex I was assigned at birth.” Her reaction was pretty reasonable - she just asked how I feel, what name would I like to go by, and what I’m gonna do about it. No tricky questions as you see. In the end she scheduled me a psychologist appointment on February 15th, and I hope this one is going to be fine too. I’m so happy that I finally have this thing off my chest.

So a while has passed, and I’m now no longer optimistic about the oncoming psychologist session. A lot of things can still go wrong. For example, one thing is that the session is only 40 minutes, so I’m not sure how she’s gonna assess me in so little time. Also aside of gender issues, I have motivation problems, so when are we supposed to talk about them? So yeah, the whole thing will still make awake at night.

The classes were fine. The disaster happened quietly, and half of the classes were spent with that guy who likes to talk too much. Also I once again had a chance to brag to him, this time about jamtext.

2021-02-05

I’m not doing too great in terms of studying. I have a shitton of undone assignments and absolutely zero motivation to do anything. Help is required. Another problem is that I still haven’t found a solution to boredom, and something is telling me this weekend won’t be too great in this regard.

I kinda want to kill myself. Not because I’m depressed but rather because it seems to be the most rational choice. If the things continue going in this direction, which is highly likely, I’ll end up stuck in this shithole being a minimum wage worker for the rest of my life. There’s absolutely no reason why I’d prefer eternal suffering over eternal nothing.

2021-02-06

Not much happened. I had a nice English class and a nice conversation on the Fedora Discord server. The day was wasted, but at least I’m satisfied.

2021-02-07

Yup, here’s the extremely boring day I was waiting for. God, I hate my life.

Okay, maybe it wasn’t that boring, but you get the point.

I decided to try to sell my broken phone. No one will obviously buy it, but why not.

2021-02-08

The day got fucked up right off the bat - my third in a row phone charger just died in the middle of the night and didn’t charge my phone for shit. I ended up wandering around without the phone for the rest of the day. The first 2 classes weren’t anything out of the ordinary - I didn’t prepare, but no one gave a shit. On the next 2 classes we were supposed to skiing, which is a quite questionable decision since none of us can ski and the best we can do is just bump into a bunch of trees. I was going to skip the whole thing, but 2 of my friends decided not to, convincing me to go with them. This was a mistake and I shouldn’t have trusted them, which later became obvious to one of the 2 friends. Regarding the skiing itself, I was expecting it to not happen because we’d be shoveling snow, instead but no, we actually went skiing. We were supposed to ski about 4 rounds but had time only for 2. I got really fucking tired after the first one and also nearly killed myself by bumping into a tree, so my friend and I decided to walk the second round on foot. So, yeah, the whole thing was pretty cursed. The only thing redeeming it is the nice shawarma I had afterwards. Unfortunately, the shawarma was so good, I started feeling drugged despite only having drunk a half of the pill. Oh well.

I created the r/desksurfaces subreddit to, well, let people post there their desk surfaces. It’s currently work in progress because I’m still figuring out all of the configuration options, so you can’t post there yet.

2021-02-09

The phone has been finally sold. Not quite for the price I wanted but still. I, however, made some mistakes that I was technically warned about. First, I didn’t know how bank transfers work (you just need the phone number) and told a complete stranger my credit card number. What the fuck is wrong with me? Second, I invited the fucker to my very house even though I wad explicitely told not to do so. Great! At least the guy itself didn’t look suspicious. Now that my phone is sold I have another problem - we suddenly have no Internet and with no phone I have no way to do basically anything. I even had to borrow my groupmate’s phone to write this entry.

Okay, now I do have Internet, kind of. The issue was caused not by our ISP fucking up but by our dad deciding that we longer need Wi-Fi at home and we’ll be fine using mobile Internet. This is absolutely ridiculous, but there’s nothing I can do about it since it was decided by him. Another thing is that we apparently agreed that instead of buying a new phone I’ll get my mom’s. It’s not like it’s not okay, but I’m still kind of unsatisfied by this decision. What if the battery issue is specific to this phone model. In any case, whatever.

Soooo, uhhhhhh, I now kinda have a Google account again. And I’m also thinking of using a regular Android and not LineageOS. I’m sorry, free software, but I have no choice. The modern world leaves me with no choice but to use proprietary garbage.

2021-02-10

Nothing happened that’s particularly worth describing. All of the classes were with that one guy who likes to talk too much. He spent most of his time describing some OOP concepts no one gives a shit about and then gave us a really vague and confusing task involving abstract classes. Somehow I managed to do what he wanted, and as far as I’m aware only 1 other person did the same. When I got home it was not quite as it always is. I’m still adapting to using proprietary garbage on my phone, so I hesitated a bit when watching YouTube videos and doing shit like this. Also I discovered a funny video of an old man dancing naked and flapping his dick around. I can’t stop watching it.

Okay, if there’s nothing worth describing, then how the fuck did I just shit out a whole paragraph of text? In any case, whatever.

2021-02-11

Today we had 4 classes of the same subject as yesterday. On the first class we had a little stupid test, nothing unusual. On the next class he was trying to teach us UI/UX basics, but no one gave a shit about it obviously. On the last 2 classes he was explaining the C++ basics to the people who don’t understand it. He also gave us a task to “write something in C++"; I decided to finally write a utility to convert jamtext to XML. I got a good grade.

My dad stopped bitching and finally brought back the Internet at home. He also bought me a new phone because mine is going to be given to my sister which recently drowned hers. The phone is some Xiaomi piece of shit, and the only reason why I chose it is because it supports LineageOS.

Overall, I think it was a pretty good day.

Never fucking mind. Apparently to upload a custom ROM on this Chinese piece of shit you have to wait whole 7 days. Now I’ll have to use this piece of crap called MiUI for the whole week. Great!

2021-02-12

Great, I now have one more thing to worry about. First, the fucking phone. It’s not like MiUI is a bad OS by itself, but I just don’t want to use it. I’d rather use clean proprietary malware by Google than one by Xiaomi. I really want to get rid of this shit, and it doesn’t leave my mind. Now I’ll be counting days left everyday, which there are currently 6 of. Also I’ll be constantly afraid of accidentally not controlling myself and pressing the wrong button, making me wait these excruciating 7 days again. Second, the therapist appointment. It’s really close, but I’m absolutely not in the right mind for it. I’m so overfilled with doubt. I know it’s supposed to be a natural thing for people like me, but I didn’t know it would be so much. I’m so scared to talk about it. What if I’m just faking it or there’s another reason for it? I hope for at least the doctor not being transphobic and helping me a bit in solving this situation.

It looks like I managed to convince another friend of mine to make a website. Brilliant! Maybe I should help him in improving the markup or try to convince one more.

2021-02-13

Aside from not being so boring, the day was pretty usual, especially in terms of calorie consumption. The English class today was canceled because the teacher is doing some business. My mom told me that despite having little money, we’re still going to Turkey in summer. Maybe I need to add it to the trip journal.

2021-02-14

The weekend passed by pretty quickly, but I think I did have some rest now.

I’ve recently had some success with talking to people, both online and IRL. Also my Reddit posts seem to accumulate more karma now, which I currently have 5000 of. Most of it was recieved from my political compass post. The subreddit I posted it on is of questionable quality, but it was the only place to publish a silly post like this.

I recently discovered Neocities Neighborhoods, so I may or may not join one soon.

2021-02-15

The psychologist appointment went about as fine as I would expect from this country. She was, of course, trying to scare me so I change my mind and accept suffering over being myself. No, lady, your tricks like this don’t work on me. There weren’t any stupid questions as she fully understood the transgender stuff, but there were poorly phrased ones, which I just couldn’t comprehed. For example, “If you start taking hormones but don’t have enough money for bottom surgery, does it mean you’d stop halfway? What would you feel about it?” Like, what the fuck is that even supposed to mean? In any case, she acknowledged the poor communication between us and said that she’ll try asking better questions. In the end I was given another 600 question quiz, and it took me about an hour to fill it in. Not sure if it was even different from the last one, but who cares. The next appointment is scheduled on 2021-03-01 10:00 and she says even more appointments with different kinds of doctors are coming. So far I’d say I’m satisfied because I feel like I’ve made some progress.

The only important class of the day got canceled, so I decided not to attend at all. They won’t be able to do anything to me in any case. The rest of the day was like usual as my mood dropped to shit shortly after getting home.

2021-02-16

It was a regular day of studying. We were supposed to have an extremely hard test that we absolutely wouldn’t be able to copy, but guess what, we did. Suck my dick, you fucking educational system 😎 After the classes ended, my friends and I decided to go eat something but ended up eating quite more than something - a large shawarma and an additional KFC cheeseburger. According to the calculations of one of my friends, I consumed 1500 calories. Impressive, what can I say. When I got home I recieved the concept of the website from the friend I got into Neocities, and now I’m supposed to code him the markup. I know it doesn’t sound cool doing it for free, but I’m really really bored, so why not.

2021-02-17

We keed having the same lessons everyday. This is very good because I fucking hate one lesson and we’re luckily not having it. On the classes my friend and I were working on polishing the website, the markup of which I made yesterday. Some really weird shit was happening with the fonts until I realized that you don’t need to put quotes around some fonts such as sans-serif while you need for the others. It looks like I made this mistake on my website too, so I need to fix it. After the classes we went to KFC again, where I ate a shitton of food again. I feel bad for spending so much money. Unfortunately, due to some drug experiments with my mom, I started feeling drugged again, but it seems like taking the rest of intended dose helped a bit. Right now I have an idea to write 2 blogposts about my controversial opinions, one of which will be about ISO 8601. Let’s hope it doesn’t take me too much time to write them.

2021-02-18

Disappointingly few things happened today. While I finally listed the main points I want to discuss in the 2 articles, I couldn’t force myself to start writing them. I hope that I at least write something by the end of this day. Also I can’t reflash my phone until it’s like 23:00 or something, so it’s another big sad.

2021-02-19

The day started with a little nasty surprise. Yesterday I rubbed my left too much, and when I woke up it got really swollen. I couldn’t allow myself to go study like this, so I skipped everything. My mom knew what to do in this case, so I initially didn’t go to the doctor, but when I did they were no available, so I’ll go to one tomorrow. The day itself was quite productive. I finally flashed my phone, and everything seems to be working except the front camera. Who gives a shit. I helped my friend with his website once more, and now his concrete slab is located just where it should be. I almost finished writing the first article, so I expect me to release it sometime today. I’ll start writing the second article shortly afterwards.

2021-02-20

I didn’t know that the English courses today would be remote, so I ended up going all the way to the office for no reason. Not much else happened except the first article being finally published.

2021-02-21

Yesterday I had a very good chat with Fedora people on Discord. In fact, I was so good that I didn’t fall asleep until 3 AM. There were some moments where I acted cringy because of my personality disorder and people reacted respectively, which will follow me for the rest of my life, but otherwise it was completely fine. When I woke up, I forgot to record the dream, which I still regret. The day itself was quite unsatisfying. I didn’t start writing the second article, nor I watched the anime I was planning to watch today, which was sent to me by weedeater from Neocities.

https://carrd.neocities.org

2021-02-22

The day began with another mysterious libinput-config bug report. Luckily, this time it didn’t prevent me from recording the dream. Yesterday I finally figured out GNOME’s screenshooter bug, and today I was figuring out the screencaster bug. As you can see, it’s been fixed only a couple of hours after I submitted it. Nice job, Red Hat! I also downloaded the anime weedeater recommended me, and I’m going to watch it soon.

2021-02-23

As my friend says, “nothing happened.” I was supposed to start writing the second article today, but I just couldn’t force myself to.

2021-02-24

Remember when I said that we weren’t having any subjects I can’t tolerate? Well, it seems like we finally are because one of the subjects I absolutely fucking hate, 1C programming, is back. I can’t express how little shit I give about programming in some proprietary Russian crap, so as you can expect, I have motivation issues here too. Luckily, no drama has happened so far, so I don’t worry too much about it. Also apparently when I was absent on Friday, we were assigned several works to do, but it seems like they’re really easy, so I guess I’m gonna do all of them at once.

2021-02-25

The classes flew by without any problem. After them my friend and I spent some time at KFC and then some more at Burger King after his friends joined us. Here’s what my TODO list looks like after all of this:

2021-02-26

We had 5 classes, so I didn’t have much free time at home. I managed to do the report for the practical shit but haven’t got any closer to the P.E. stuff. The second article has been published, and it did much better than I expected. While it failed miserably on Reddit, the Hacker News guys went insane over it. The article peaked at no. 2 in the top posts and so far accumulated over 170 points and 230 comments. That’s much more popularity than I could’ve ever expected, and I’m so happy. Also in the comments some real discussion was happening, so definitely check it out.

2021-02-27

The popularity my article managed to achieve still impresses me. Now it has over 330 points and almost 400 comments. Several people wrote me emails leaving their comments on it, and one even contacted me on Discord. I had quite a conversation with the latter, and he seems like a really interesting person.

It was a pretty lazy day. I didn’t do much other than eat and relax. I still didn’t start doing P.E., but I really hope I start soon.

2021-02-28

I spent the day constantly being disappointed and angry at myself because I felt like I knew that I just won’t do the P.E. shit. But guess what, I did it in the end. Well, kind of. I had to ask my mom for help + we stole everything from the Internet, so the end result looks incredibly dodgy, but I hope the teacher wouldn’t mind. In any case, it was more than 2 months since I was supposed to do it, so the things can’t get worse. Other than that, the day wasn’t much different from yesterday except for one case. My sister somehow managed to shove a coin deep in her nose, so she had to be taken to the hospital because my parents couldn’t take it out manually and she started bleeding. Oof, that must’ve a been an emotional rollercoaster for her. Good luck I’d never do such stupid thing because I have a panic fear of being suffocated.