01 - January


This was going to be another uneventful day, but I ended up taking a nap for too long and sleeping throughout the whole day. I hope it didn’t fuck up my sleeping schedule again.


I went to my grandma. That’s about it.


I spent the day watching weird YouTube videos. Notable examples include That Japanese Man Yuta (no I’m not slowly becoming a weeaboo, it’s just for scientific purposes) and NFKRZ. The second one is pretty interesting because he reminds me of how relatively good but still imperfect my English is and how I’m degrading day by day because of not enough practice. I mean whatever :)


I’m back from my grandma. That’s about it.

Today I finally managed to talk to some people, this time on the Neocities discord server. Feels good man. God, I’m so lonely.


I forgot to mention it, but we’re planning to move to the center of the city. We actually already bought an apartment and are going to sell this one when we’ve moved. Today we were bying things needed to repair the whole thing to a presentable state, including amazing BRICC wallpapers for my room. I visited the apartment for the first time today, and I have to say it currently looks like a bad soviet fever dream. Luckily, this time, we won’t have to put much effort into repairing it because we hired a bunch of guys to do things for us.


We bought some lighting equipment for out future home. That’s about it for the day, but it’s not like we had anything else planned.


We spent the day demolishing the insides of the apartment so it can be renovated later. In contrast to what I thought, it absolutely wasn’t fun, and we also barely made any progress. Most of the wooden stuff and wallpapers have already been destroyed, but everything else, including the old ass soviet floors, is still there. One funny thing that happened is how we had to lift 4 rolls of floor material via the window because it was too wide to fit the staircase. Unfortunately I couldn’t help them with that, so some random guy from the street did. I’m not sure how the guys we invited are going to unwrap the whole thing, but I guess it’s not our problem.


I decided to not to go the place today and leave my parents alone. They didn’t mind it, and I hope they did well today. Instead I did nothing as usual and also finally came up with a solution to my broken touchpad - libinput-touchpad-scroll-fix. I hope it’ll be useful to more than just me.

Update: nope, they didn’t do well. Not only the barely made any progress, it also turned out that the walls inside of the apartment are soviet cardboard crap, and now they’re going to destroy every single wall there. Holy shit.


Uhhh, not much happened. I had the first English class this year. It was alright (meaning I got another chance to talk in English to actual human beings) except the fact that I didn’t do the homework again. My parents were meanwhile continuing with wall destruction. I’m not sure how they’re dealing with the construction waste.


I was forced to go with them this time. It turned out destroying walls produces much more waste than I expected. We managed to get rid of 2 out of 3 piles of waste, but the last one is bigger than the other 2 combined. It seems reasonable to assume that we won’t be able to get rid of it on time, but my parents are very optimistic in this regard for some reason. Tomorrow 3 more walls are going to be destroyed, but I hope it won’t involve me this time as I’m tired as fuck.


Yup, I didn’t have to be there. Do I feel bad about doing so? Probably yes, but whatever, I had enough yesterday and they could manage everything, so I guess it’s not that bad. In any case, it was mostly another day of desperately trying to find something to do. As usual, I was falling back to watching YouTube videos. Maybe I need to finally program something.


The winter break is over; this was the first day of the torture continuation. As I expected, the subjects didn’t get any better, and we’re still learning God knows what. The phrase that kinda surprised me was from our new teacher - “only 30% of the students passed this exam last year, so the chances are you probably won’t pass.” What kind of bullshit is that? This is literally unmasked taking my hope of a better future away. Thank you, asshole, that was very inspiring. I want to kill myself.

Recently I started reading about the recent Mozilla controversy with their latest deplatforming blogpost. I’m not sure what opinion to have on it. I’m not too competent in politics, especially in US ones, which are messy as hell with both sides doing ridiculous shit. Only one thing is certain - this shit will be yet another hit to their reputation regardless of whether they’re right or not. Even though it hurts, I’ll continue reading about the topic, and hopefully I’ll form an opinion sometime.

I acknowledge that by doing so, I’ll be in a dangerous position, but I’ll attempt to write down my thoughts on this later in form of a list.

By the way, if you’re reading this and you want to talk to me about the thing, please mind that my email is open for you.

Okay, here we go:


The second day of torture. Even more useless subjects were introduced. As we were told, the exams are going to be even more insane than for that subject, and I seriously doubt that I can pass. I seriously need help.

Yesterday I had a little bit of a debate on a Discord server called Equality. We discussed the whole Mozilla situation, and here are my thoughts afterwards. The recent Twitter ban of Donald Trump can be justified because Twitter doesn’t qualify as an essential service, thus it can police its content as it pleases. The recent AWS ban of Parler is, however, not so simple. I’m not sure if a cloud service provider qualifies as an essential service like, for example, light and running water are, so their decision is ethically questionable. Also I’m still not sure if deplatforming is good solution after all.


Were were supposed to have 2 classes today, the latter of which would be P.E., but ended up having only the first one. That’s about the only thing stopping this day from being awful. I feel kinda dead inside. I know things are not going to ever get better, and it saddens me.

Another groupmate discovered my website. Here’s a hello in case you’re reading this.


The day wasn’t quite as good as I wanted. We had 4 classes today, and I felt pretty terrible on them. My studying abilities are getting only worse and worse each day, so I’m not sure how I’m going to survive this year. Thank god overeating helps a bit in terms of the mood.

So, yeah, I’m still not sure about that Mozilla thing. I need to talk to more people about the whole censorship thing.


Wow, a weekend and it wasn’t even boring? What a miracle!

Instead of worrying about politics, I now worry about whether the release of GNOME 40 is going to be a disaster. Great.

I decided that libinput-touchpad-scroll-fix is not enough and started developing libinput-config. It does exactly what you expect - configures libinput. It would be very cool if I didn’t have to develop it and the libinput guys just added a config themselves, but we have what we have.

Update: here you go.


If yesterday was okay, how come today was boring as fuck? Also where did my enjoyment of my accomplishment go? And in addition to all of that, why was I so fucking hungry? Come on, life, that’s not what I wanted from you.


It was a sort of rough start of the week - we had 4 classes. I spent most of them being hungry and thinking about food. I did get a chance to it in the end - I tried a vegan shawarma for the first time. Instead of chicken, it had mushrooms, and I have to say, I couldn’t even tell the difference. I’m pretty satisfied with it and I might even buy it from on now.

libinput-config seems to be doing really fine. I got 2.5 likes on my bug report comment, 2 GitLab stars, and even 1 fork. I also added a pointer speed setting, which I forgot to add before.

Update: I forgot to mention, but my grandma is selling her apartment and moving to us. Today we were transporting her stuff to our new apartment. By the way, apparently libinput-config also got 1 issue, where a guy couldn’t compile the thing because of the old meson version. Brilliant.


nigga i feel so drugged

i just can’t write down my thoughts

basically the things were better before because i could handle most of the days

like we only rarely had subjects on which i couldn’t literally understand shit but now they’re everyday

oh god please help me

i don’t know how to even describe this drugged feeling

like right i have problems concentrating but that’s not just it

i can barely put my thoughts into words

like my thoughts are falling apart

i don’t know if that even makes sense

in any case that’s it for the day i need to take a rest

okay fuck it here’s some more info

by concentrating i mean being able to focus visually

which i do have problems with

but i also have problems with focusing in terms of sounds

like i’m not able to understand what’s being said

and at the same time not being able to say something in response

sounds cool right

well it fucking isn’t


libinput-config started recieving a shitton of issues. I’m not sure if I should be happy or not. On one hand, it cool that someone is actually using my stuff, but on the other hand, now I also have to worry not only about my life but also my creations. I’m not sure what’s the proportion of people who successfully used my hack to ones who didn’t, but the latter ones have some really interesting stuff happening on their computers. I’m, of course, trying my best to help them, and I hope the issues will be resolved at some point.


Today we had 0 classes. What a blessing.

I made a bad mistake by deciding to debate date formats on a political Discord server. People certainly didn’t agree with my opinion, but since it was a fun light-hearted conversation rather than a proper debate (the channel was even called stupid debates), I don’t consider myself losing. But in any case, now this shit is stuck in my head. The effect is similar to one when I watch a really great anime and can’t stop thinking about it for the next several days. Why can’t my brain just get over the fact that people may have different opinions? Considering I’m transgender, I should’ve done it a long time ago. In any case, please help me.

I’ve recently got a really weird idea of ranking all of my groupmates in terms of sexual attractiveness in a list. By the time you see this entry on my website, I’ve probably already done it, but for obvious reasons, I can’t share it with you.


I felt pretty crappy. I just don’t feel like living anymore, and I don’t know what to do about it. The situation is additionally worsened by the fact that we’re studying tomorrow when we usually don’t. Apparently it’s because a protest will be taking place, and they want to prevent people from going there. That’s fucked up.


For one reason or another, most of people decided not to attend the classes, but I did. The protest did happen and I’ve even seen a bit of it out of the window. My dad had to deliver me home so the police doesn’t mistake me for a protester. Before he did, though, I was going to a shawarma shop by a different route, and luckily no one mistaked me. Also regarding shawarma, I think I spend too much money on it. I think I need a better diet.

libinput-config keeps accumulating issues and some popularity. Good.


I spent the day working on my Linux rice, or to be exact, eliminating as much of it as possible and falling back to the defaults. As an icing on the cake, I also decided to switch to GNOME from Sway, and I’m currently in progress of reinstalling the OS on my PC.


Switching to GNOME was a pretty interesting decision. In other words, I kinda regret doing it. I’ve detected several really unusual bugs involving hotkeys, one of which I didn’t document yet, the screenshooter, and the sound applet, which I also didn’t document yet. We’ll see how it goes on from here.


Should I switch back to Sway? Should I not? I don’t know. In any case, it was another day of mindless studying. The things are going well so far because we don’t have any assignments, but I guess, it’s gonna get fucked up soon.


Yup, my guess was pretty good, everything already started going ape shit. As you can guess, I’m not doing so well. While not being particularly sad, I just feel empty inside. The realization of the fact that I’m very likely not to survive this semester because of my complete inability to study and the resulting consequences of being useless in the society messes with my brain. I feel like I should just kill myself because this is the only way out of this misery. Right now it’d be very cool if things not related to studying (including antidepressants) actually helped me.

I managed to convince the circle of my friends to take the BDSM test. Very good. Here are my results. They’re probably not the most accurate, but sure the test tried its best.


I just don’t see a reason to be alive anymore. It’s incredibly obvious that I’ll never feel good, so why should I even bother living this life?

I forgot to mention, but I bought the transbian.club domain. I’m not sure why because I still haven’t found what to do with it.


While my problems didn’t go away, I do feel better. Probably overeating and having a nice chat with people helped. I hope it stays like this for a while.


Another person discovered my website - this time one from the English courses. If I understood her correctly, she’s also on Neocities, so that’s pretty cool. She was quite surprised by how personal the things I post here are, but that’s to be expected. In any case, here’s a hello in case you’re reading this.

Also regarding the courses, I wouldn’t say that I’m satisfied with them. It would be really cool if instead of or maybe in addition to them I had a group of foreign friends I could talk to. If only I had social skills for that.

Another interesting thing about the courses is the one of the girls. She looks pretty masculine and goes by a male name, so I’ve been wondering if she’s a transmasc. I could, of course, directly ask her this question, but that’d be extremely awkward.


I expected to have some rest today, but it didn’t happen. The day was uncomfortably boring, but it wasn’t the most boring day ever. I guess surviving the next week will be even harder than this one.