11 - November


The only interesting thing planned for today was going shopping with my mom. I was going to ask her to buy me some girl clothes but decided not to until I’m out to her, which I hope I will be soon. Currently I’m planning to do laser hair removal on my face.


The coming out is happening on Wednesday, and the laser hair removal is on Friday. Also it looks like we’re studying remotely from Wednesday until the end of the week. Very good.


An old friend of mine, which recently moved to a nearby bigger city, absolutely unexpected invited me to a walk. We ended up going all the way to the place I’m studying at, resulting with me walking over 19000 steps this day. The thing that surprised me the most was how much more masculine he is now. Thank god it didn’t happen to me :)


This was quite an eventful day. First, I came out to my mom, and surprisingly, she’s quite chill. We don’t agree on some points and she has doubts, but it’s much better than nothing. Second, while I was coming out, I sent the coming out file (which I’ll probably publish soon) to the second friend I came out to, and now he takes the whole thing seriously. Great. Third, I shaved my legs for the first time ever. I also bought an epilator but decided not to use it yet.

Now I’m not entire sure what to do with my transition, more specifically hormones. I couldn’t find information on if it’s legal and how to obtain E without a prescription, and it also seems like self-medicating in this case is not the best option. I’ll, of course, schedule an appointment with my therapist, but knowing where I live, I’m not sure if I’ll make any progress.


The appointment is scheduled on Monday. Currently I’m trying to battle doubt (what if I’m not trans enough) and my mom, which is not entirely sure that hormones is the best thing for me. I’m now kinda scared and unsure if I’ll succeed, but giving up is not an option.

Also, yeah, I’m back at my grandma’s.


For some reason I thought the laser would be today, but it’s actually tomorrow. I went home and was going to go back to grandma but decided not to. I’m not sure if I’ll attend the therapist because we’re studying on Monday and I’m not sure how to do it properly.


The laser was canceled because of the drugs I take. Fucking incredible. Also it was decided that it’s better not to go to the therapist on Monday because she’s being replaced by another person and there can be misunderstandings.


I forgot to mention, but I had planned to dye my hair today. My friend offered her service, but I decided that my mom is more experienced. That was probably a mistake. My hair in the end looks fine, but somehow she just forgot to wear gloves, which were right in her fucking face, and now her hands are black.


We had 6 classes (9 hours) today. I’m so fucking exhausted.


Our math teacher once again reminded me of how pathetic and not worth living my life is. Thank you, fucker, this is the exact thing I needed. Tomorrow we’re finally presenting that thing we did all the way back in September. As you can expect, I didn’t believe we would ever do it, so I didn’t do anything. Despite being extremely down, I’ll try my best to not give up and do it.


The presentation went fine - I stole someone else’s, but no one gave a shit. Now I’m finally free, at least for a while. Also guess what, my laptop is back. That’s so cool.


I went to my grandma one day early. We still have classes tomorrow, but they start pretty late, so it’s alright. The problem I have now is running out of things to do.


I forgot to mention, but since Monday we’ll be having 2 weeks of remote studying, and I’m going to stay at my grandma’s. But in any case, my mom offered me to go back home for the weekend, and I agreed.

2 interesting things happened to my rice today. First, it turned out an update just broke my microphone. Thanks to this post, I managed to fix it. Second, it turned out I didn’t fix TLP for shit and my USB ports still don’t work. I tried using TuneD, but it did the same, so I just uninstalled TLP. It didn’t give much battery time in any case.

This name is stuck in my head:

John Buttocks


My mom suddenly got sick, so I’m back at my grandma’s. It’s really hard not to stay bored, so I tried playing video games.


Rice fuckery continues. I decided to finally switch from my sway-autologin hack to greetd, but it turned out it refuses to use fish as my login shell while fish refuses to acknowledge ~/.profile, so I decided to use fish wrapped in bash as my shell using this hack. Also I replaced QEMU with GNOME Boxes because the latter is actually usable by me. I tried launching the point and click games I played as I child, but they refuse to work on Wayland, but luckily now I can access X11 via greetd. God, I’m so deep down this rabbit hole, I start to regret switching to Linux and not Hackintosh, for example.

By the way, as I promised, I made a web page where you can see how many steps a day I walk.


My grandma and I both decided to go to my house and stay there for 2 days. Nothing exciting happened yet.

I have an extremely ambitious idea to write a Swiss army knife utility for Wayland, but as you probably know, I know nearly nothing about how it works. I’m planning to read The Wayland Book to at least partially fix the problem.


I’m back at my grandma’s, where I eat as much as usual. We finally got the task we’re supposed to do on our 2 week “practice.” It was pretty easy, so I guess he’ll send us more tomorrow.


I wanted to schedule another therapist appointment, but she’s not back yet. I want to sign up for a gym, but it seems like I don’t have the right shoes, so I’ll have to buy them some day. Also I’m not entirely sure how to sign up for the one my mom recommends me. Why can’t it all happen online?


For some reason, I just can’t stop worrying too much about Wayland. It works completely fine for me, and I don’t see myself switching from it any time soon, but still the future doesn’t look that bright to me. I need to just stop thinking about it, but I don’t know how.

The gym called me, and now everything is sorted out. I’ll visit them on Saturday and buy a monthly subscription. Tomorrow I’ll go back home and get new shoes. Not sure if I’ll be able to exercise everyday, but we’ll see.


Yesterday instead of sleeping and today I had a great time trying to explain the wonders of the C++ programming language to my friend. He knows absolutely nothing, and I don’t know how he managed to solve anything before, but I guess I made a little bit of difference.

I tried once again to merge the designs of the 2 versions of my website (to eliminate the GitLab pages version) but failed. Maybe some day I’ll succeed.


My friend and my parents convinced me not to go to the gym and execrice at home. Not sure how successful I’ll be at it, but whatever.

The redesign problem was solved by just eliminating the GitLab Pages version without thinking. Along the way I made a few changes to the theme so it doesn’t look as awful. For an unknown reason, the redirect from the old URL doesn’t work, but I did all the things needed for it, so I guess it’ll get fixed by itself later.


Another day of playing video games. I had an idea to make a food journal, but then realized that I eat the same shit every day and there would be no reason to make it public. Well, maybe some day.


Shortly after writing the previous entry I decided to finally create a new email address and move my accounts to it. As you may know, ProtonMail was (unfairly) banned in my country, so now I use Outlook. I know it’s not the best option, but the only viable other option was Gmail.

I had to go back home because my new clothes arrived - more specifically a dysphoria hoodie. I was going to stay there but decided to go back to grandma because there was a lot of time.


Yesterday we recieved more practice tasks, and I was doing them today. Right now I’m the single person in the group who managed to do all of them, and it took me over 6 hours. As a part of this, I made the worst text editor in existence.

By the way, my SSH just broke suddenly and prevented me from uploading anything. I used this workaround to fix it + it should fix itself after a little bit of time when Fedora updates their shit.


I had to temporarily go back home once again because more clothes arrived. This time some sports pants. I hope I’ll never have to use them.


We have quite a lot of homework, so instead of doing it, I was, of course, playing video games. But, hey, at least I had fun.


Not much changed, except I didn’t play video games and I’m back home.

Here’s some cool music I’ve recently heard:


I forgot to take the drugs and ended up not sleeping the whole night. I felt like an absolute ass and didn’t do shit. We’re now supposed to do the report on that crap we’ve been doing for the past 2 weeks but the requirements are really vague and I don’t know what to do.


I didn’t forget to take the drugs this time but still didn’t sleep well. Somehow I managed to shit out a small and crappy but a report. We’ll also need a presentation, but I guess i still have time. I also did the task I was supposed to do a long time ago in a group with another person.


Today was fucking awful. We had 5 classes, and they left me with nothing but a literal headache. It turned out the report I made is a complete piece of ass, so I’ll have to redo most of it. The presentation of the whole thing, it turned out, is happening as early as tomorrow (but probably not), and I feel completely hopeless. But, hey, at least the other presentation from that one task I finally did went fine - no one gave enough shit.

Remember my plan to write a Swiss army knife Wayland utility? Guess what, I now have an even more ambitious one - a compositor similar to SurfaceFlinger. The chances of me even beginning this one, as you can expect, are even more nonexistent, but you know, miracles happen once in a while.