06 - June


Oof. This was quite a fucked up day. After writing the previous entry, I suddenly got really tired just like the day before and spent several hours lying in the bathtub thinking how much I’m digusted with my body, my thoughts, things I do, and my very existence. After waking up, I barely managed to get on time to the military comission because of some misplanning, but the commision itself, despite make me nervous as fuck, passed very quickly. The thing that didn’t pass quickly, however, was the fact that it made me think about how much fucked up my life is and spoiled the whole day. The day itself was boring as hell because of my complete lack of motivation to do anything, so I entertained myself my watching Mark Rober’s (another newly discovered by me YouTube channel’s) videos.

By the way, I decided to finally try out Discord, and this shit pulled out a Twitter-like “non-mandatory” phone verification card. I swear to Jesus, Allah, Cthulhu, Buddah, and the fucking Flying Spaghetti Monster that not a single goddamn service on this planet will have a luxury of having my phone number anymore. Depending on my mood, I’ll either register another account or purge both this garbage and Twitter with fire.


The intense sense of doom hasn’t gone anywhere, and I’m still constantly fantasizing about killing myself, but some good things did happen. My phone is finally back (well, kind of because it’s actually a different phone but of the same model), and the GPU hang fix seems to be already on its way to my PC with the 5.7 kernel update. Also I learned some cool things about Flatpak like the simplied (un)install syntax (flatpak install gimp instead of flatpak install flathub org.gimp.GIMP) and the fact that Netsurf and Neovim are on Flathub. Additionaly I decided to check out such a thing as Bedrock Linux, and it turned out it’s much more impressive than I thought, and I might even try it out in a VM some day.


God, just fucking kill me. Each day gets only worse and worse. I have absolutely no motivation and no reason to continue being alive. What am I even supposed to do?


Basically, everything’s still the same. The only exception is that I spent an enourmous amount of time experimenting with Flatpak packaging by (unsuccesfully) trying to port khansoul. I managed to package the app itself, which is cool, but it turned out making terminal emulators work across different process namespaces is kinda difficult due to a certain PTY bullshit, so I gave up for now. Also the whole thing is pretty hacky - the terminal child process (the shell) has to be spawned with flatpak-spawn --host or by doing some D-Bus magic on org.freedesktop.Flatpak. I wish Glib/VTE just provided this out of the box.


I woke up really late, so nothing managed to happen. I felt kinda happy when falling asleep, but today is averagely shitty. I did some minor work on the website and am probably going to do more after writing this entry. The thing that’s on my mind currently is, as you can see, Flatpak because I really like it and really want to do something interesting with it. Also I’ve been recently thinking about bying a Neocities Supporter subscription and my own domain, but I’m not sure how good this idea is, considering I don’t earn any money.


Yours truly now owns kevinson.org, which now hosts the GitLab Pages version of the website. This is the first domain name I’ve ever bought in my life. I spent the whole day configuring the shit so it works, and, despite every day still being torture and uncertainty about my future, I’m pleased. I’m not sure if I’m going to buy a Neocities Supporter subscription now because it’s expensive as fuck for me, but I swear I will sometime.


I fell asleep pretty early but still woke up late as fuck. As you can expect, I did nothing and spent the whole day watching talks on YouTube and other stuff.


For the most of the day, I just didn’t feel like being awake and was doing nothing except listening to the same 2 albums I listen to every day. Then I discovered the Extended Date Time Format, which forced me to rewrite every uncertain date on this website. It also forced me to finally finish and publish the device journal. Meanwhile, in terms of me studying, everything is getting only more and more fucked up, and I wish more and more that I just don’t wake up the next day.


I fucking can’t. Someone, please, just end my existence now. I can’t take a single fucking day more of being this person in this place. I’m just completely fucked for life, and there’s no one who will possibly help me. God, I hate myself so much. Writing this very text feels so awful because it’s my stupid words, generated by my useless goddamn brain, that I have to tolerate all the fucking time because I just can’t stop thinking and can’t stop speaking because I’m forced to participate in my terrible existence, which is a complete joke for both myself and everyone else. The only thing I want to do with this body and this mind is throw it into a volcano to be never seen by anyone again. What the fuck am I even supposed to do in this situation? While I sometimes manage ignore it, each day gets only worse and worse, and it’s only I who’s responsible for this shit, and I can’t fucking handle it. There’s absolutely no single reason for me to still be alive, but there’s also no escape, and it’s driving me insane.


I spent most of the day sleeping and the rest doing nothing, but who gives a shit if nothing interesting would happen in any case.


Another day of sleeping and nothing happening. I’m really unsure what to do with my life. Every year gets worse and worse, and I feel like I’m gonna break completely pretty soon. It seems like visiting a therapist would be a good idea, but how do I even do that? Also what am I supposed to do in case it turns out I’m completely fine and there’s no one for sure that can help me? The fact that I might be transgender also bothers me a lot. I need to do something until it’s too late, but I can’t because I’m really unsure about what these people can do to me if I come out and if I’ll be beaten up to death or something by people on the street. Also will I even be able to study and/or work at all? This sucks so much.


The day began with me discovering a conflict between DistroTube and the GNOME Foundation on the latter’s code of counduct. I did some research, and it seems like it was caused by GNOME using poor (complicated and easy to misunderstand) wording. I sent them an (I hope not annoying) email just in case.

Other than that, it was another quickly passing but exhausting day day, except… I’m now a Neocities Supporter. I’m not really sure how well I’ll be able to pull $5/mo, but who cares. I’m so glad to finally support a project I like. Also both versions of this website are now under kevinson.org, and I can update my website with WebDAV, which should cause me much less headache.


God, each day passes more and more quickly. Nothing interesting happened except the addition of the pet journal.


I finally redesigned the playlist and added the trip journal. Also I figured out how to make GitLab job artifacts self-destruct thanks to this GitLab docs entry and this script. Other than that, the fact that I’m doomed is becoming more and more painful for not only myself but also the people I live with.


This day passed so damn quickly, I nearly forgot to write this entry. Basically, I spent the whole day desperately trying to improve my studying situation, but some interesting things did happen. While going down the Wikipedia rabbit hole instead of falling asleep, I accidentally bumped into such thing as “googlewhacking”, which it turns out I’ve already kinda been doing without knowing the term, and it made me watch an excellent story called The Googlewhack Adventure made by Dave Gorman. Also the GNOME Foundation replied to my email (3 days ago :)), and the proposal to make the thing more understandable is currently being reviewed. Cool.


The fact that everything is so fucked up made the people I live with be asking me what the hell I’m going to even more than before. I don’t fucking know what to do; if I knew, I’d already do it, so stop asking. I also had to meet one of my teachers, and I hate him so fucking much. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good teacher but an awful person. He talked some shit about me after we met, and I want to ram his ugly motherfucking face into concrete for that. By the way, I’ve been offered a specific therapist by one of my relatives, and I’m making an appointment tomorrow. Cool, I guess? I doubt how good the one I’m going to is, but I guess there’s no way to find a decent one in this city in any case. I emailed him some links to this website, so I hope he has enough material to work with. Regarding the website itself, I added some soundtracks to the playlist and ran out of things to do by now. Obviously, I’m still going to do daily updates, but my website TODO is currently empty. If you’re a fellow Neocitizen, I don’t know, you recommend me something to add.


So I visited the therapist. According to him, my problem is just severe sociophobia and anger mismanagement. He also said that I can’t possibly be sure about my gender and sexuality because I haven’t tried anything yet, but that makes sense. Also I somehow forgot to mention my extreme procrastination problem. I’m still not sure how much I can trust him, but whatever. My brain doesn’t want to be fixed but left alone to let it die in any case, so I’ve gotta do something until it’s too late. The whole thing left me really tired for the rest of the day, so I didn’t do shit.


Not much happened today. My schedule is still fucked up, and I’m still wasting my time on random shit instead of improving my life. I made the website gateway, which I’m probably going to move into a separate project and display on the root of kevinson.org.


I have an exam tomorrow, which is really bad because my sleep schedule hasn’t got any better yet. Just like yesterday, I spent the whole day overeating but not doing anything else this time.


I took the exam, and it was really fucked up. We barely had any time, and I almost didn’t manage to send my shit. Also it turned out I have another completely unrelated exam tomorrow, about which I forgot a long time ago. Other than that, I did some minor accessibility work on the website.


Right after writing the previous entry, I discovered that Flexbox is fucked up, which made me fall asleep much later than I expected. And I still have one page (the credits), where I didn’t manage to fix the shit. In any case, I took the fucking exam, and it was awful. Not because the exam was bad, but because I felt like an absolute ass after only 5 hours of sleep and 3 hours of sitting in a mask being barely able to breathe. Also I didn’t prepare for shit, but it wasn’t that hard in any case. I spent the rest of the day sleeping because why not.


As I slept yesterday, I decided not to sleep at all. Instead I was diving deep into the Wikipedia rabbit hole. It turned out we had another exam today, which was even more fucked up than the previous one, and will have one tomorrow. 4 hours after today’s exam, I couldn’t help myself but fall asleep for the rest of the day again. It seems like I had 11 hours of sleep, and now I’m wondering how the fuck am I supposed to sleep again.


Basically, I was sleeping and wasting my time on nothing while feeling like lksjd hf asdilfhasdlkfjh slkdjf hlaskdjf hsilduf hsaldkadhoijAS LASKDH HLAKJhLKJhLKJHLJKHLKjh lkjhLKjHlkjh elkjhlkjHLKJhLKJhLKJH SLUSHASDFIUH ASDLIFSLA jLjhLKJjlk sdhflksjdf hlaskjdflk. God, I wish I just didn’t wake up. No work on the website has been done, but I’ve been thinking of separating the diary and the dream journal by months instead of years, but I’m not sure what to do with broken permalinks. Maybe I’ll just add a redirect or something. Or maybe I just won’t do anything. Also a new very secret page is coming, so watch out.


I decided not to separate anything, but I did something else - 2006 to 2018 dream journals are now merged into one, the yearbook is now the diary summary, and I tried to put into words the rules I live by. I have an exam tomorrow, the hardest one of them all, and I’ll most likely fail it. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do afterwards, but whatever.

By the way, I’ve finally found out the source of the walking Putin meme song - Song for Denise by Piano Fantasia. Holy fuck, it sounds amazing. The 80s vibes are so strong and hit you harder than a brick wall. Another cool song that I’ve heard recently (not actually, I was just a lazy piece of shit and not writing about it) is polyriddim by Phonon. It was quite a while since I’ve heard and liked a dubstep song, but this song seems to have changed it. I’m not sure what it exactly is cool about it, but it my ears really enjoy it.


So I took the exam. I already know how good (bad) I did, so I won’t even bother checking. We have the last one tomorrow, and I’ll finally be free for 2 months until I get mentally raped again. Other than the exam, it was a pretty boring day. Out of nothing to do, I watched the entire Stallman’s talk on 2019-08-27. He used the same slides as he did countless times before, but the talk itself was different, and the ending was kinda surprising. I also decided to experiment on my face in FaceApp, which I now regret doing. Not only Facebook has now seen my face, but I now also know that I’m so fucking ugly even for a robot.


The exam is done, but my suffering isn’t. I was sleeping for the most of the day and working on the website for the rest of it. I did some tweaks to the light theme and finally published a monthly blogpost.


Before falling asleep, I noticed that the light theme was still fucked up, so I fixed it again. The day itself was exhaustingly boring, and I’m not really sure what I’m going to do for the rest of the summer. Also I have an appointment with a different therapist on Monday, and I’m scared as fuck, but it’s for the better, I guess. By the way, I checked out other Piano Fantasia songs, and they’re great too.


Another kinda boring day but not as bad as yesterday. I still wasn’t sure if I made the right choice with the color, so I spent like 2 hours trying other ones. In the end I just gave up - this one looks good enough for my favorite. Additionaly I updated the list of my most/least favorite colors to include more accurate stuff. Also, as I said, I’m visiting a therapist romorrow, and I’m still scared of it. My mom swears they can’t involuntarily hospitalize me, but I’m still not 100% sure. My other concern is that the only way I can tell them what’s wrong is to show them this website, which would be extremely awkward, considering how much stuff there is. One more concern is my gender identity. I doubt I’m actually transgender, but I absolutely don’t want them to investigate that. Not considering where I fucking live.


The therapist visit was alright. The hospital was relatively a shithole, but the therapist themself was nice enough to me. Obviously, I couldn’t tell what’s going in with me (though I managed to mention this website), so my mom had to explain everything. She did that pretty accurately, so I guess everything’s gonna be fine. I spent the rest of the day doing weird shit like deepfrying images.

Here’s some music I’ve recently discovered:


My therapy officially started today. After being asked weird questions for several hours, they gave me a pill and said to come back in 2 days to tell if it had any effect on me. I’ll need to take it before falling asleep at night, and, according to them, it’ll sort out my thoughts. They also said they’ll give me antidepressants when my body adapts to the medication. I didn’t have much to do for the rest of the day, so I just fell asleep for like 5 hours. That was good because I only slept 3 hours at night, but I hope I’ll sleep better today.