05 - May


Nothing happened, but, at least, I was mostly successful at not giving a shit about anything. The email page is not done yet, and I’m also now planning to switch my home directory to systemd-homed, which is apparently available right out of the box in Fedora. Also I’ve been running out content lately, so I’ll probably watch some films or whatever tomorrow.


The email page is done, and it even has a dark theme. Its appearance was inspired by the scene from Super Mario 64, where mario recieves a letter from Pricess Peach. The systemd-homed migration hasn’t begun yet because I’m not sure if my display manager will properly handle it. Other than that, my mood was still okay, and the film I hope I’m going to watch after writing this entry is 2001: A Space Oddysey.


I still managed to not overthink too much and avoid fucking everything up again, but the day was sooooo boring. I tried moving to systemd-homed but failed because of a probable bug. I did watch 2001: A Space Oddysey in the end, and it was fucking amazing, but I feel so bad for pirating movies. I wish I had money for streaming services.


I woke up pretty late and didn’t have enough time to get bored. I did some work on a super secret writing project, and that’s about it.


Basically, the same as yesterday but without writing and with some panicking. Overall, could be worse. Also I discovered the details HTML tag, which basically does the same as my half-assed hack that I used on the home page of this website. Maybe I’ll replace it sometime.


Basically, I spent the whole day improving my rice - mainly scripts and configs. I also tried to move my GUI apps from dnf to flatpak, but ended up moving only non-GTK 3 ones. Some of the problems that arose were the ignored fontconfig (which also happened in non-GTK 3 apps), the ignored GTK config, and the missing GTK font anti-aliasing. I could only fix the first two, and I really already tried everything to fix the last one to no avail. I’ll try to solve the problem tomorrow, and probably more some more apps.


The anti-aliasing problem was successfully solved using extreme hackery, so I moved the GTK 3 apps to Flatpak too. I also tried moving Firefox, but the Flatpak version, for an uknown reason, is significantly slower, so I’ll keep using the Fedora version until it gets fixed. I’m not sure if I made the best decision by using Flatpak, and I also started questioning everything I know about sandboxing, software distribution, and hardware rendering acceleration. Thinking about that made me remember an insane idea I had in the past - writing a toy operating system. Considering how good my projects are at not surviving, and the fact that I now have another 2 insane ideas, it’s bold to think I’ll even attempt that. Other than that, my mood has recently been not too much crappy, and I’m thinking of reconnecting with the old friends I’ve left because of the 2018 bullshit.


Literally nothing happened. Reconnecting is still kinda in progress, and now I also have an idea to add credits (something like the End Poem) to the website.


I reconnected with one friend, and the website credits are finally here. And, oh boy, I’ve gotta tell you, they were hard as fuck to make, and I’m so satisfied with the result. I couldn’t be any happier.


I was going to add background music for the website credits but in the end did absolutely nothing. I’ll probably still add it later, but using Kevin MacLeod’s music or something because I can’t compose for shit. Also I experimented with the Flatpak version of Firefox a little bit, and it turns out turning off the hardware-accelerated compositing makes it run smooth (except scrolling). The dnf version of Firefox experiences the exact opposite, and it’s really weird, but I think I’ll be able to solve that mystery soon. It probably has something to do with the default config, and I don’t know yet how to properly compare them.


I caught myself not pushing the commit with a diary entry the day before again. Weird. In any case, the only interesting that happened is me launching the unpublished game I made 4 years ago and cringing because it’s complete shit and uses outdated and unfunny memes. Also I continued my Flatpak research, and I’m becoming more satisfied with my decision to switch. Currently I’m thinking of submitting bug reports to the repos of some applications that I use and that for some reason don’t use native file dialogs.


Almost right after writing yesterday’s entry, I discovered that TLauncher is on Flathub. Wow, that’s the last thing I expected to find there. In any case, now I use it instead of whatever I used before. Also I discovered that, when sandboxed, Glib uses plain text keyfiles to store GSettings, which is really cool. I now have them properly backed up, and I also made my home folder hierarchy a little bit less fucked up. I’m pretty interested in all of this cutting-edge stuff, and the next exciting thing for me will probably be when some useful Wayland protocol extensions finally become standard (you can track the progress on the wayland-protocols bugtracker).

Actually today, however, nothing almost happened. I made a Vistaserv.net home page for some reason, but I didn’t find much to put there. Also my sleep schedule is getting more and more fucked up and I still overeat a lot.


For the most of the day, I felt fucking awful, and nothing interesting happened. I tried to fix some Firefox stuff, but in the end discovered the WLR_DRM_NO_ATOMIC=1 wlroots parameter that somehow fixed multiple lags (including the cursor one) and, according to my educated guess, probably even the GPU hang. What an interestings stuff happens when you have shitty hardware. Afterwards, I finally got my hands on tweaking the Firefox smooth scrolling, and I think I was successful.

Update 2020-05-16: the hang is still here. God fucking dammit.


Once again, my phone is being repaired, and I’m left with my PC only. Goddammit. Basically, I spent most of the day sleeping and the rest feeling like shit. The only interesting thing that happened is me finding this article about the modern Web, with which I fully agree.


The website credits became even more spectacular. Yeah, that’s, basically, the only thing that happened except me annoying the Flathub maintainers.


The phone is no longer being repaired because it literally blew up. Thank god it didn’t happen at home. I guess I’ll have to buy another one. Other than that, they day was a little bit crappy. I recently discovered the album Cotton by Akira Jimbo, and it’s fucking amazing. It’s so catchy despite being so sad, and I can’t stop listening to it. I’ll add it to the playlist some day.


Yesterday I made my wallpaper change daily instead of daily and after each relaunch, and the whole day I was thinking about if used the right URL so it actually changes, but seems like it does. In any case, I started uploading the pre-2016 demo pages, and the work is currently extremely work in progress. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to obtain any actual HTML pages, but I will probably get at least screenshots. But even if I don’t, I’ll just recreate them by memory, like I did with the 2012 one. Also I did add Cotton to the playlist just like I promised yesterday.


I was bored beyond belief and felt like an absolute ass. Nothing happened at all. The only thing I want to do is to document the last bits of my life left and just stop existing.


The most fucked up thing that happened today is that I forgot how to type. Yes, I’m not kidding. I still can type somehow, but it’s now extremely uncomfortable, and I’m almost using my left hand only. It wasn’t so bad yesterday, and I don’t know how this could possibly happen. I guess I’ll have to relearn how to use the keyboard. Anyway, while I wasn’t looking (for 2 years), the AV1 video codec got much better support, and it even turned out it’s now able to synthesize film grain. God bless the people who added this feature and made it mandatory to implement. I’m so hyped. Other than that, I feel kinda better - I finally fixed a bug in ethmenu and obtained the screenshots of my pre-website demo pages, and, apparently, not all of them are form 2015.


Right after waking up, I got reminded that I need to study, which was the thing I needed the least. If you’ve read [The List], you know the deal. In any case, nothing I’d planned was done, and I’m now even more confused about why I forgot how to type. It seems like it has something to do with the posture of my hands, and I have no idea how to fix it. Right now I’m trying to type this entry using a more or less correct way of typing, and it’s uncomfortable and slow as fuck. Also using hotkeys, which I have to use a lot, is painful as hell. Maybe because it’s actually not correct, and I need to watch some videos on the topic. I’m so confused.


The thing I’ve been thinking about recently is that aren’t I supposed talk to someone about me questioning my gender? I mean, it’s a horrible idea, especially considering who I live with, but shouldn’t I? In any case, everything’s fucked up, but I’m trying to stay chill. I probably won’t be able to do that for a long period time, but I’m trying. Nothing interesting happened except me being still not knowing how to type and recreating 2 more pre-website demo pages.


I’m doomed. There’s absolutely no chance that in this place and with this people I won’t be left badly damaged for life and will have any oppurtunity to live a normal life. There’s no one that can possibly help me and no way I can kill myself get out of this misery, and it’s driving me fucking insane. I’m so pathetic, I can’t do anything other than temporarily distract myself from this nightmare just to realize later that the problem is still here and will be here no matter what I do.

That is exactly what I was thinking about after I woke up. As you can see, I managed to distract myself again. Cool. All pre-website demo pages are finally here, and I can finally die happily. Or maybe not yet. I have an idea to make a list of my dead and unlisted projects and also a kink list. For obvious reasons, I’ll have to hide the latter pretty deep. But if you’re reading this, you already know where to look.

By the way, another Neocitizen, Otaking (by the way, how do you even pronounce that? Otah-king, oh-taking? My brain uses the latter, but something tells me it’s incorrect) bookmarked me. His description of my website is mostly (I’m jackshit of an actual programmer) correct, and it’s pretty cool that someone liked my website. Big thanks to djbdev for doing the same.


Nothing noteworthy happened, except I (partially) did what I promised.


I fell asleep at 5 AM after several hours of discussion of kinks and some weird shit from r/isitnormalto and could barely wake up at 6 PM. I’m literally writing this entry 2 hours after waking up, and I feel barely alive. Help.


I got a little bit nicer sleep today but still didn’t do shit. I added the best anime openings page, and it’s probably a bit controversial, but who gives a shit. Some more additions to the website are planned, but I’m lazy as fuck to do anything.


The day began really roughly. One person decided that it’d be a good idea to scream at and threaten me to give me some motivation, so I expectedly blew up again and cut myself, but this time with the biggest knife I could find. Man, it was so much sharper than I expected - you can probably chop a person in half with it if you try. Luckily, I didn’t try to chop myself in half and just damaged my hand. Considering the cut was more than half a centimeter deep, it’s good that I didn’t touch any veins or something. Have I aimed better, I’d still be here but suffer even more. The aftermath of all this shit took quite some time to take care of, and, as you can expect, I didn’t do shit again. I’ve also recently been thinking of how cool it’d be to just be reborn as a better person in a better place because of how much time I’ve already wasted and how I’m probably never going to be truly satisfied even if I change anything.


Once again, I woke up and had no time to do anything but enough time to get extremely frustrated. Can I just please not wake up? Also it seems like the things in terms of studying are even more fucked up than I thought, but what can I do? In any case, I wasted the whole day watching videos from a newly discovered YouTube channel - Captain Disillusion and, as usual, overeating.

On top of that, instead of a song or a voice being stuck in my head, this shit was:



I’m so fucking tired. I’m barely able to do anything other than sleeping, which is really bad, considering how much shit I need to and how many ideas I have for new stuff for this website. Also I’m only getting more and more frustrated with my hardware, and I think I should start thinking about buying a new PC.


I tried to get some good sleep and, despite having difficulties falling asleep, was mostly successful. I spent the whole day doing assignments I was supposed to do a long time ago to not worsen the already fucked up situation even more. I, of course, am trying my best (or maybe not), but the sense of doom is still here, and is probably going to stay for a long time. Also I got another idea for a blogpost, which is going to be released… sometime.


Right after writing the previous entry, I decided to finally implement the project journal, which took me a lot of time and effort, but it looks cool in the end, I guess. Overall, not much happened today, except I finally managed to convince my parents to sort out the file mess on their PC and upgrade the OS. Many things for this website are still planned like, for example, the device journal, which I’m probably going to make soon. Also I’ve recently been thinking a lot about digital video and what drawbacks it has compared to film, but why have I even been doing that if that’s inevitable in any case? Meanwhile, the sense of doom is still kinda here, and I’m getting more and more sure that unless someone for some reason decides to help me, my life’s never gonna get better.


Even the dream I had today was more interesting than the day itself. I’m still in progress of helping my parents with their mess, and nothing new was added to the website except one secret document. There was an idea to update the playlist with some soundtracks, but fuck it. I have to attend that military commision shit tomorrow, and I’m, of course, nervous as fuck and don’t want to see a single person, but it’s not like there’s any choise.