04 - April


2020-04-01

I was mostly doing nothing. Finally I decided to try out hardware video acceleration again, and it turns out my piece of shit video card can handle 1080p60 videos (H.264 only and not yet in Firefox). I have a couple of movies to watch (that includes The Room and Interstellar), but I procrastinate so much I can’t even do that. I also did some other minor work on my rice like making Picture-in-Picture videos behave properly and fixing my folder hierarchy.

2020-04-02

I’m still questioning if I’m an egg or not. I think I should make a list of reasons why I might be or might be not and maybe publish it here. Also I’ve been listening to Casiopea quite a lot in the recent days. Their songs sound so fucking great - I can’t even count how many times I’ve already relistened Mint Jams. At the same time, Sway keeps freezing all the time, and it fucking infuriates me. The fault here is probably not even Sway’s and can lie anywhere in the graphics stack. I tried to capture its logs, but it just refused to crash when I wanted it to. Luckily, the 4th attempt was successful, but it didn’t help for shit because Sway said nothing when the freeze happened. In any case, I submitted the bug report directly to the Intel Linux DRM bugtracker, and now I can only pray it gets fixed. Other than that, my mood was kinda crappyish and I still have big problems with self-care.

2020-04-03

No list has been made yet. Also my sleep schedule keeps drifting and it gets more and more fucked up. I felt like shit and didn’t do shit.

2020-04-04

Okay, fuck the list, now I’m just confused. I’m just not sure who the fuck I am. I constantly keep questioning my gender and sexuality, and it coupled with a following sense of complete doom because of the unfixable suckage level of my life drives me crazy. Maybe it would be easier for me to get the answer if I was a normally functioning member of the society who could normally contact with people and not a complete disaster that destroys everything it touches for both myself and everyone else, but right now I don’t know what to do. But one thing is certain - I want to be dead. I deserve nothing, and I should get literally nothing. Forever.

In any case, to the good stuff. I made a video game journal, and the movie journal is kinda in progress. It wasn’t very hard because I don’t play shit, but isn’t that great to have one?

2020-04-05

The movie journal is done. It was kinda fun trying to recall every movie I’ve seen. Other than that, nothing happened. Also I think should make the list sometime.

2020-04-06

My sleep schedule is fucked up beyong recovery, and I’ve completely lost the sense of time. But, in any case, I don’t need to attend anything so I can give no shit for now. I did some work on the website today and managed to find the point and click games I played as a child. Also I feel guilty for not talking to one of my old friends for so long, so probably I should write him a letter or something.

2020-04-07

I hate my body. I hate myself. I hate my country. I hate the fact I can’t deal with the stupid people I have to be with. There’s no fucking escape out of this. I’m doomed for life. Please, please, someone, make it stop.

2020-04-08

My life became a nightmare. After I wrote the yesterday’s entry, one person decided to “cheer me up” by threatning me with physical abuse again. I don’t know what they expected, but it pushed me the closest to ending my life by all possible means yet, and now just a single thought about my further life makes me go nuts. Also I finally tried cutting myself. I didn’t do a great job at it, but I was very satisfied in any case. I could barely sleep and was falling apart the whole day, but it wasn’t as bad as yesterday’s evening. I wish they pushed me just a little bit farther, freeing me out of this shit.

2020-04-09

The shit is getting better, I guess? In any case, I’m still really fucking tired and now also slightly physically damaged. I’m trying my absolute best at not giving a shit but not always successfully. I think I need to finally watch or play something. Also I started obsessively questioning my gender identity once again, and I’m so tired of that. I wish my mom never gave me a reason to think about it.

2020-04-10

I finally started watching movies again, and this website now has secret pages. Other than that, the time passes too fucking quickly.

2020-04-11

The sleep schedule got even more fucked up, and I got even lazier. I’m just falling apart. I hope it gets better soon.

2020-04-12

Good things that happened:

Bad things that happened:

2020-04-13

I finally decided to use a cloud file storage for backing up my private shit. It happened because I suddenly remembered about rclone which apparently works with a fuckton of providers and even allows to mount folders. Other than that, everything’s getting worse. I wanted to die even more than yesterday and was going to try burning my skin to feel even more pain. I see absolutely no escape out of this doom. Maybe I should the list of problems with me and/or a suicide note just for in case.

2020-04-14

No list yet. I still want to kill myself, but at least I didn’t hurt myself today. I’m still not sure about my gender, but I do want to try out a feminine voice just for my interest’s sake. I’ll probably fail because my vocal abilities are virtually non-existent, and I’m lazy as fuck, but when have those reasons ever stopped me. (Actually, they always do.) Also it turned out there was an MFSB song I hadn’t heard before. Other than that, I was as unproductive as you can imagine.

2020-04-15

My schedule suddenly got fucked up again, and so did my mood. I just don’t feel alive at all. The only good thing that happened is me discovering colornames.org - the website where you can give name to any hex color. I did so for some of interesting ones. Also I got mistakingly IP-banned, but shit happens, I guess.

By the way, here’s a couple of funky songs I’ve discovered (or, actually, rediscovered because I’ve already heard future funk remixes of them) in the last days:

2020-04-16

I decided to move into another room, and it forced me to finally sort out the complete mess in the house. I’m tired as fuck now, but it’s better for me, I guess? I’m still questioning my decision, but I always do that. Pretty much nothing else happened, and I still wish I was dead.

2020-04-17

I updated some shit on this website. That’s it? Basically, I was doing nothing except overeating and overhydrating the whole day. I still keep questioning my decision, but now I’m also trying to make myself accept that changing things around sometimes is a never a bad idea. The same thing with my gender - I should just gradually try out feminine things and see how I feel, but I still can’t take my mind off obsessively thinking about it all the time. I won’t be able to go to the therapist (I’m scared and also fucked considering what country I live in) or come out to anyone (which will be really dangerous if I do) in any case, so why even bother. I’m still thinking of making the list, but this diary already sums up everything wrong with my life pretty good. Though, for the sake of being straightforward, I’ll still probably do that.

2020-04-18

The List has been made, and the GitLab Pages version of this website now has a 404 page too. Also it turned out I forgot to do the monthly Web Archive backup of this website, so I did it today. I should probably make a script to make the process a little bit easier. Other than that, nothing changed.

2020-04-19

I feel like I’m done for. I attached The List to my assignment in hopes of someone sometime helping me. I’m pretty sure no one will give a shit, but I’m not gonna stop hiding it everywhere until someone does.

2020-04-20

My life is a nightmare once again, and I see no escape.

2020-04-21

Still no escape, but I temorarily stopped giving a shit. It’ll make everything worse and won’t fix anything again, but I don’t have any other choice. Other than that, I did a little bit of work on the website and added a new secret page. Also I found out that Gunbuster March sounds similar to the French national anthem.

2020-04-22

The shit’s so boring, I wish I could end it. Also keeping myself from panicking is mostly successful for now. I did some work on the website and added one more secret page I’ve been thinking of adding for a long time.

2020-04-23

Everything got fucked up again, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to take it this time. On the bright side, I started watching Serial Experiments Lain, which is, for some reason, kind of popular on Neocities, and so far it’s been really damn good.

2020-04-24

It’s getting even more fucked up, and I don’t know what to do. But, in any case, I managed to get my mind of thinking about triggering topics and constantly panicking by working on the website. It now has a yearbook and even more custom backgrounds (on Neocities). Also I didn’t quite have time to watch Lain technically today, so I’ll probably deprive myself from sleep to do that.

2020-04-25

The only things I managed to do today are sleeping and watching anime.

2020-04-26

I was bored as fuck, and nothing interesting happened. The time passes too damn fast and too damn slow at the same time.

2020-04-27

Oh. God. I finally had enough balls to send The List to my mom, and we actually properly talked about it. I couldn’t be any happier. I now finally have a chance of talking about my problems with an actual specialist, though, I’m still extremely anxious about it. Maybe I should write the second list.

2020-04-28

I felt pretty happy. Other than that, the only thing I did is adding one more secret page.

2020-04-29

Even fewer things happened today, and I definitely felt much less happy. Also I’m getting more and more confused in myself on all fronts possible. Here’s another cool song I’ve recently been listening to: Grover Washington, Jr. - Just the Two of Us.

2020-04-30

Just by an accident, I happened to check my email, and it turned out someone had written me from a throwaway asking if I’m okay several days ago. Well, shit. Whoever they are, they greatly overestimated my ability to quickly reply to emails. I hope they recieved my reply, or else it’ll be kinda sad. Maybe I should write some guidelines for writing me emails, where I say that I’m a slow piece of fuck. In any case, I still felt kinda shitty, and recieving that letter introduced an indescribable surreal feeling. Also I spent a significant amount of time making the icons for the Neocities version of the website so the shit looks great.