03 - March


The theme has been mostly finished, and some new city pop has been discovered. The last thing I want to do now is to study.


Don’t want to live, don’t have any time, but do feel like shit.


It got much worse. I feel really hopeless and almost like I’m going insane. Some progress was made with Neocities, but not much, considering the aforementioned problem.


I felt even worse in the morning, but it got better after studying. The issues that caused me to feel so weren’t fixed though. The Neocities version of the website is complete, but some polishing is still needed. I added the background music, which I had to host on the Gitlab Pages version of the website because it turned out uploading audio files to Neocities is a bad idea. It was a kinda pain in the ass to exclude the audio folder from being uploaded (and rejected) each time, and I hope they won’t mistakingly ban me or something.


Pretty much nothing happened. I felt about as shitty as yesterday but had almost no time to do anything. Also I came up with a weird social media concept while studying, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever implement it.


My mood was shittier, and I definitely was thinking about killing myself more than yesterday. I was supposed to have time today, but I didn’t because I’m a lazy fucker. It’s finally the weekend, and I hope I’ll be able to do the work on my website I’d planned (polishing the Neocities version + adding more personal stuff) and watch some movies and anime I’ve wanted to watch for a long time.


I spent the whole day doing nothing and sometimes updating the website. That’s it.


The same as yesterday, except I spent even less time on the website and felt emptier inside. Also I finally followed the Neocities' websites that I like to not lose them.


Another cool song has been found. Other than that, everything’s like yesterday but worse.


Right after writing the previous entry, I had a sudden panic attack similar to one that happened on 2020-02-07. Or is it called a mental breakdown? I’ve always used these terms more or less interchangeably, and Wikipedia and other web resources doesn’t help much with understanding. Also my self-harm went a little bit too far this time, but I guess it’s okay. While all of this was happening, I was constantly relistening that song, and I suspect overall I spent like 7 hours listening to it.

In any case, I had barely any sleep and was more than an hour late to study. After studying, I finally decided to do something to my barely alive phone after procrastinating to do that for probably more than a month. Later I watched some videos and just fell asleep for the whole day, and that was it.


I woke up several times while sleeping and felt like shit, but the classes started later than usual, so I had time to fully wake up, and it got better. While the phone is still being repaired, I have to do everything on my PC, and it’s hard as fuck because I have to be outside sometimes and really want to just lie on the bed all the time. Also I’m so stupid, I forgot to save the data from it. This includes my playlist and YouTube subscriptions. I guess I’ll have to recreate them from scratch and might as well upload them here. After getting back home, I spent the whole time doing nothing and thinking about if I should use a cloud file storage and which one.


I’m back to having almost no sleep. Also a groupmate said something that made me excessively think about suicide and I almost blew up while trying to study. I have a lot of things that I want and/or need to do, but there’s barely any time, and I doubt there will be enough on the weekend.


I felt kinda shitty, and my Internet connection did too. Pretty much nothing else happened, except I came up with another insane project idea - a digital ID card. The chances of me implementing it are even lower than for that social network one.


As I expected, I neither did anything I’d planned nor enjoyed the weekend (yet). Also I spent a ridiculous amount of time thinking if I made the wrong choice by not using a copyleft license for my projects and how I can fix the situation. I even went as far as writing a email to a licensing organization. My head is full right now and I have barely any energy to even move.


When I woke up, I felt pretty happy, and it even escalated to an almost orgasmic feeling, but later I felt kinda empty inside and drained. The only thing I managed to do is to finally recover the YouTube subscriptions. Also I listened to other Idris Muhammad’s songs and found another nice one.


I was slightly happy when the last day ended and after I woke up, but I made a huge mistake by thinking about my life while (pretending to be) studying. In any case, my phone is back, and missing it for several days has taught me some important lessons:

It also reminded me of how poorly I was backing up my data and that some of the apps that I used are outdated.


I’m so fucking tired. My mood keeps changing between a very optimistic one and the “nothing makes sense; I’m doomed” one too much in the last days. Also the government of the 3rd world country I live in proposed a thing that’s gonna take away even more democracy, and I finally got my hands on checking the thing itself. We’re actually fucked. I’m losing the last bits of hope that my life is ever gonna get better.


We finally got told about the coronavirus and shit. Since yesterday, we even have soap in the restrooms, but I have no idea why it wasn’t there in the first place. Some people (in my observation) still don’t use it. What a nasty fuckers. The classes aren’t canceled though, so I’ll still have to suffer. Considering I’m not doing shit on them and am tired as fuck, I’m probably gonna fail and get kicked the hell out, which is bad news because I’m male, and this country has fucked up mandatory military service. Even if I serve (and, of course, get traumatized), I’ll have absolutely no opportunity to become anyone in my life. Overall, actively wishing to kill myself to end this misery, but not knowing a good way to do so sucks, and it’s been one of the main reasons of me being in panic all the time for a while now. I, of course, constantly give hints of this, sometimes not entirely voluntarily, but no one gives a shit about each other, so I don’t expect help to ever arrive. Or do I even need and/or deserve it? Will the help just introduce more problems?


Pretty much nothing happened, and I still feel like shit. I have some things to do on the weekend, but something tells me that not this time again.


I feel slightly happier. Also I finally added the 2018 dream journal and the playlist on this website. More stuff is planned, I hope at least some will me implemented.


Didn’t do anything yet except upgrading to Fedora 32 Beta. Some things, of course, broke (Python because of the version change and ALSA with PulseAudio because my audio card is a steaming pile of goat shit; both are fixed now), but, other than that, everything’s okay, and the updated Sway (also the kernel and possibly other things) is fast as shit and doesn’t have some graphical problems it had before. Some weird crap is still happening because of my CPU, but I’m still excited.


The only thing I managed to do is to write a blogpost about my PC. My mood stayed almost the same. Overall, I did very little of what I’d actually planned, but who cares about that if my desktop experince finally doesn’t suck that much, and I’ve finally written something for my blog. I have to attend a military comission (or whatever it’s called) tomorrow, and I hope everything goes fine. I pretty much expect to be anxious as fuck while the whole thing is happening, and my parents, of course, aren’t even trying to be supportive, but it’s not like there’s any escape. In any case, I wish I was dead.

Update: fucking amazing song. That’s it.


The commission was mostly fine because I didn’t have time to get as anxious as I expected. They just checked our health and told us to get lost. Their “checkup”, of course, is jack shit of a real one, and I’ve been thinking of going to an actual doctor, but what am I gonna tell them if I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. In any case, my mood wasn’t that bad at first, which is good, considering it really was after I wrote the yesterday’s entry, and I even had ridiculous thoughts like considering choking myself to death right at that moment. My mom then also impolitely asked if I’m questioning my gender identity (which is apparently bad in this country) following a certain sexist appearance stereotype. No, I fucking don’t. I’m pretty sure I’m male. OR AM I? (I am.) Right now my brain isn’t doing a great job at consistently feeling happy, and I really want to be hugged to death.


The thing that made my day much worse than I expected was a constant nuclear explosion in my stomach. It was, of course, caused by my awful diet - I don’t remember the last time I actually ate any vegetables before today. Also I had a sore throat, and it made everything almost fucking unbearable. My mind was really foggy and uncertain, and my study situation is probably about to get even worse.


Nothing happened. My TODO list has grown pretty large in the last days, but I hope I’ll be able to handle it on the weekend as usual. My mood slightly improved, but I could still barely think because my brain just didn’t want to.


I can think even less - I now find it even more difficult to not only construct sentences but also to think of the next word. Also suddenly the quarantine has been actually declared, so I guess I’ll finally have some time. Also I hope if I die, I’ll die quickly. I spent some time recreating that one website from my 2018 dream, but, other than that, nothing else happened.


I decided to recreate every album cover art on this website. That’s a ridiculous task, but so far it’s been fun. Except when my desktop crashes and I get so angry I’m ready to fucking kill myself. Other than that, the day sucked, and, like Bill Wurtz said,

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.


Except a very intense mental breakdown in the morning, nothing almost happened. I spend the whole day doing album cover arts again.


I’ve seen an amazing video by Tom Scott about the topic I’ve been recently pretty interested in - the copyright system. I absolutely agree with Tom and hope that the shit is gonna get fixed in my lifetime. Other than that, I still was doing those album art covers.


Fucking albums again. 5 more this time and 5 more left. All are of Mariya Takeuchi’s albums. My mood was not that bad actually, and I even felt pretty happy in the morning. Also I’ve been recently thinking more than usual about if I might be an egg or not. I’m pretty sure I’m not. But even if I am, my name (but not my legal one unfortunately) is already as gender-neutral as it can get.


Finally finished those albums + did some more minor shit for the website. The mood still wasn’t bad but not as happy as yesterday.