02 - February


The ridiculousness of the educational program I have to follow made me completety lose any will to live, and I had an insane panic attack in the evening.


Shitcoding in Python temporarily lifted my mood. Also I found a cool song.


I finally finished the website, which is great. Other than that, the whole day I was trying not to blow up again because the 5-day-long mental rape starts tomorrow, and I was mostly successful.


It actually wasn’t that bad, but I felt sick as shit the whole day.


Everything was alright, except still being sick and not having quite enough time to do all the stuff I’d planned. Also my website finally doesn’t suck as much and has an actual blog.


Still sick and still no time. Fuck.


Not as sick now; still keeping on being not in the shittiest mood. Still no time, though, but the weekend is close, and I hope I’ll finally be able to experiment with my rice and watch some anime.


I genuinely felt happy like I did most of the time 4 previous days. This is really unusual, but I hope it stays.


No anime, yes rice. In any case, I’ll also have time tomorrow.


I didn’t. Also no rice this time. I could barely find anything to enjoy today. Overall, my mood got about as shitty as usual. Also I started to think more about uploading this website to Neocities, but God knows how much time it’ll take to force myself to do that if things go as they always do.


shit fuck fuck fuck shit fuck fuck shit fuck fuck fuck shit shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit fuck shit fuck fuck fuck fuck shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit fuck shit shit fuck fuck fuck shit fuck shit shit shit shit fuck fuck fuck fuck shit shit shit shit fuck fuck shit shit fuck fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit shit fuck fuck fuck shit fuck


I spent really too much time thinking about the font size on my website for little reason. Luckily, it seems like I mostly fixed it. Other than that, the day fucking sucked, and I’m also now being forced by the place I’m studying in to participate in a completely ridiculous singing(!) competition, and I die inside every time I even think of it. I’ll, of course, try my absolute best to skip it because it’s a torture worse than almost any other one.


I nearly exploded in panic while studying, but I did it. It’ll probably cause me some trouble later, but I don’t care. After getting home, I somehow managed to lift my ass and take care of my projects, but not as much as actually writing any significant code. Overall, it could be worse, but I still wish I was dead.


No trouble yet. Except maybe having to listen to the rest of the group singing their shit the second time. Other than that, I could barely move and, of course, I didn’t do anything I’d planned.


I was so fucking tired both physically and mentally the whole day. Listening to city pop and mostly finishing ethmenu lifted my mood but not much.


The day began with nearly shitting my pants while still being in bed. After doing one study-related thing, I came back home and fell asleep at about 5 PM. I woke up at least 2 times and felt really really sick. I woke up at about 7 AM the next day, so I couldn’t actually write this entry on the stated date.


Less sick, also did some website and Python stuff. Overall, not that bad.


Everything got worse. A lot. I wish I wasn’t alive.


I finally managed to watch an anime, and it just happened to be one of the best I’ve ever seen. But it still couldn’t completely fix the fact that I feel like shit.


I kept thinking the whole day about what I’d watched, but it coupled with feeling sick created a very unpleasant surreal feeling that I’ve already experienced many times before. I hope it goes away soon. Also I planned to add bookmarks or shit to this website, but, fuck, there’s no time again.


The feeling is mostly gone, but it was replaced by suicidal thoughts. I mean, considering what a pathetic, lazy, useless, and miserable cunt I am, and what country I live in, there’s no way my life will ever get better, and it makes perfect sense to just end it all. Other than that, I still feel kinda sick and tired as fuck.


Though I feel a little bit better, nothing interesting happened except suddenly falling asleep for 6 hours.


I finally got my hands on Neocities and even almost made a cool 1990s styled theme for my website. I still feel like shit physically, but better mentally.