The List

My life is shit, and I want to kill myself. Thinking of the reasons why quite often makes me panic and/or hurt myself, so I decided to describe everything here in a simple and straightforward way. If you still didn’t close this article, you may also be interested in checking out my diary.

I’m a useless piece of shit

I can’t work anywhere

I don’t have any high-level skills, and I’m also absolute jackshit at doing unqualified work and even basic daily life stuff. I struggle a lot with anything, and literally anyone can handle simple tasks better than me. There’s virtually no reason to hire me other than to make me and the employer suffer.

I can’t teach myself to work anywhere

As I said, I can’t perform even simple tasks and, even considering someone, for some reason, gets an initiative to fix that (which they obviously won’t), it’ll be extremely difficult, painful, and very slow. It’s much easier to just give up.

I probably have some mental issues

I’m quite unsure about that, but, considering I haven’t noticed other people suffering as much as myself, me having a lot of personal issues and rarely enjoying anything, and my relatives and people and studied/were friends with being very rarely any supportive and really often abusive, that might be the case. There were several oppurtunities of getting actual professional help in the past, but I was and still am scared of using them.

I’m scared of going to the doctor

I’m not used to it

I go to doctor very, very rarely and never on my own initiative. I do that only when I’m forced to and/or have high risks of dying or being permanently damaged. I have no idea how to go to one on my own and what to do, especially with overwhelming anxiety. Also, considering I live in a small place of a 3rd world country, there’s a quite high chance of not finding a good doctor, and that makes me even more scared.

I can’t explain myself

I have no idea what’s wrong with me, and I can’t put into words what’s going on, especially when not given time to think about it, and the person I’m talking to doesn’t really give much shit. I also hate talking, especially in my native language. So, unless I pay someone to deal with all of this shit, which I can’t, I’m fucked.

The education I’m getting sucks

They don’t teach us anything

We’re taught neither any actual professional skills nor anything else important we can actually use in our lives. We’re just wasting our time and suffering instead of actually learning anything, and almost no one gives a slightest shit about that.

They don’t care about us

Absolutely nothing has been done to improve any aspect of the educational process, but a ton of things has been done to worsen it even more. We’re demanded a ridiculous amount of things and constrained beyond believable because of the completely idiotic bureaucratic bullshit, and, again, almost one one gives a shit.

I have no future

The best thing I can do after graduating (which I doubt I can do because the shit’s getting worse each year) is to go fuck myself. What the hell else am I supposed to do after 4 years of torture and no actual education, considering I’m not able to work anywhere? Also I can’t go anywhere else to study because there’s most likely no such place where I live, and I don’t have money and am scared to study where there are such places.

The country I live in sucks

It has mandatory military service

This is the elephant in the room, so let’s address it first. Just because I happened to be born with a certain set of genitals, I’ll have to waste a significant amount of my time being practically enslaved while being traumatized and potentially risking my life and given no additional oppurtunities afterwards. What kind of bullshit is that? This is completely ridiculous, and I’d actually rather be tortured to death; that’d be at least faster. The draft is unavoidable, and practically no one involved in this shit cares to be a decent human being.

It’s becoming more and more of a totalitarian shithole

This country has never been democratic and caring about people, but the situation gets worse each year. The government are taking more and more of people’s freedom and aren’t doing anything to improve the economy. The Internet, one of the most important things for me, is already very unfree, and the government is getting more invasive in people’s privacy here.

It’s full of intolerant scum

As most of other 3rd world countries, this one is as conserviative as you can imagine in the worst sense possible. The freedoms of speech, LGBT+, and religion are non-existent and there’s very little I can do about it. This is absolutely disgusting for the 21st century, and I doubt anything’s gonna change.

Doing business here is impossible

Even if the problems with me get fixed, I most likely won’t be working for an ethical company with a sense of respect to people because there are barely any, and there’s no way I can get into one. Also, as I mentioned, online privacy is not a thing for Russian companies, so I’m doomed in this aspect in any case.


Just fucking kill me.